Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Another Difficult Session

THAT MONDAY

I get up slightly earlier than I usually do on the days I have therapy, a nightmare leaving me irritated and upset about the events that caused the nightmare.  I take my medicine and eat breakfast.  I keep reliving and remembering what happened to me when I was little.  It was so terrifying and now I can't get it out of my head.  I grab my phone and go to the car.  This is the first time in a long time I haven't cut before going to therapy.  My emotions are going to be all over the place and I'm going to have this nightmare running through my mind.  

We pull in and I go in, leaving Suzanne to do whatever she wants, like usual.  I wish I was still a little kid and had everyone's support in getting better.  No one really supports me or supports being in therapy anymore.  It's kind of just a 'do whatever it takes to stay alive' type of thing.  They don't care.  I sign in and sit down.  I have a feeling Harper might be angry with me for not being able to stay within the set limit with my self harm.  I have thirty cuts on my right arm.  I was just so mad at myself and I kept having flashbacks, so I did what it took to feel better.  I can see why she said not to self harm when I was really upset.  Oh well, that was a lesson learned.

"Evelyn?" Harper calls.  I stand up and walk over to her.  "Hey." I say.  "Hey." she says, smiling contently.  I manage a weak smile, the nightmare causing me to be really unhappy.  I enter her office and sit down.  "Tired?" she asks.  "Not really.....I had a nightmare last night." I say.  "Oh, was it about the abuse?" she asks.  I nod, tears making my eyes sting out of nowhere.  Harper has a notebook in her hand, but she shakes her head and puts it back on her desk.  That was odd, even in the most emotionally intense sessions, Harper has always had a notebook and pen nearby or in her hands.  It almost seems like a security object for her, if something gets quiet or uncomfortable, she writes something down or something.

She sits beside me and seems to be lost in thought.  I let myself dissociate.  "No, Evelyn, don't let yourself disconnect from the discomfort of your problems." Harper says, bringing me out of my dissociation.  I groan.  "I know it's frustrating, but it's just like blocking out the memories and pretending it didn't happen.  Do you see the harm in it?" she asks.  I nod, even though I know how painful facing it will be.  "What's your mood today?" she asks.  "Anxious....avoidant." I say.  "What do you want to avoid?" she asks.  "Talking about what we talked about last week." I say.  

"Evelyn, I know that was hard on you, but I firmly believe that abuse is where your problems lie.  If we resolve that, everything would be more manageable.  I can't promise you won't have a flashback and I can't promise you won't get upset, but I can promise that I'll be here to help you through it." Harper says.  "I'm scared." I cry.  "That's natural; this is a very scary thing." she reassures me.  I take a trembling breath.  "Will it be okay?" I ask.  "Of course." she says, seeming confused as to why I asked that.  "Then, I trust you..........let's just.....figure this out." I say.  "Okay." she says, seeming prepared for me screaming at her or getting upset.  I don't plan on any of those things happening, but I don't know what will happen if we try to talk about this sort of thing.

"You said he would touch you as punishment?" she asks.  I nod.  "For what kinds of things?" she asks.  "Just not.....being perfect.  If I got an imperfect test score, had an 'attitude' with anyone, got in trouble at school, was upset about something.......sometimes if I 'misbehaved' when he touched me, he'd get mad and make it worse and make it hurt." I explain.  I fight back the tears and try to pretend I'm fine.  "Evelyn, stop trying not to cry.  You know you can express yourself around me." Harper says, gently rubbing my back.  I still try not to cry.