Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Stay To Stay Safe Part One

I look at my trembling hands and sigh. I'm trapped in this world, so I might as well try to stay safe long enough to get better. I smile slightly and shake my head. I should tell Elizabeth that and see what she thinks can be done. I have to go to 'therapy' soon anyway. Twenty minutes later, a nurse comes in and tells me to follow her. She takes me to a different part of the hospital. The walls are a different color here. Instead of the dull beige color, the walls are a cheery pale yellow. There are inspirational quotes everywhere and some art work hung up.
The nurse opens the door to an office with a key card on a lanyard around her neck. "Sit down; Elizabeth will come in soon." she says kindly. I step in and the door slams. I jump. I hear the lock click and the familiar feeling of panic creeps up on me. "No, I'm not going to panic. I'm not trapped here; I can leave." I tell myself aloud.
I jump when Elizabeth suddenly comes in, worried she heard everything. "That's kind of how we want you to think." she says, closing the door and sitting down. I roll my eyes. "What's your mood today?" she asks, tapping an ink pen against her clipboard. "I don't know." I answer, shrugging.
"Are you numb or are you just unable to figure out which emotion?" Elizabeth asks. "I'm feeling too much." I say, lightly scratching my arms. "Name one emotion." she says. I think, becoming irritated with everything going on. "I'm really irritated." I finally say. She writes that down on a peice of paper. "Why?" she asks. "I'm always getting trapped in situations and places. I'm locked into each room I go to and I'm just......trapped, in general. I mean, I can't die, so I'm trapped." I try to explain, growing more frustrated with myself. Elizabeth senses this and says "don't get frustrated; I understand what you're saying."
I sigh angrily and scratch my arm harder, digging my nails into my skin. The next thing I know Elizabeth's cool hands grab my hand and pull it away from my arm. I pull away from her touch and glare at her. "What?!" I demand angrily when she gives me a knowing look; I begin scratching my arm once again. "Stop, Evelyn. You need to stop before you make yourself bleed." she says gently, still holding me down. I try to pull away, but Elizabeth won't let me move. "Promise me you'll keep your hands right here." she says, holding my hands where they rest on my lap.
I nod, but a tear runs down my face. "The feeling of being trapped is normal when you fail a suicide attempt and you're put in a stabilization program." Elizabeth reassures me. "C-can I tell you something?" I ask, tears running down my face. She nods and looks at me patiently. "I was thinking earlier and I realized......I'm trapped in this world, so I might as well be kept safe, so things have the chance to get better." I say, my voice shaking as I try to stop crying. "Do you think you should go home at the end of the short stabilization program?" Elizabeth asks.
I think for a minute. I'm not really sure. I WANT to go home, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. "I don't think so." I answer sadly. She asks me 'why not'. I shrug and take a shaky breath. "I don't think I'll be well enough to go home. I'll be stable, maybe, but I won't stay that way long." I finally answer, still irritated with myself for not explaining this the way I think it. "I agree," Elizabeth says, "but what should we do?" I shrug. I don't know......I don't know my options.
"Do you think if you go to a rehab center you'll get further in your recovery?" she asks. "What's it like?" I ask nervously. Elizabeth smiles. "It will be like a hospital, but it will be more group focused. It will also be more relaxed and it's goal is successful reintegration to your normal life. The program I'm thinking of is a great program that many of my patients go through after being stabilized. If that's what you're doing, stabilization is very important because if you become even mildly suicidal you'll be back here." she explains gently.
I sigh. "What if I can't keep myself from being suicidal?" I ask sadly. Elizabeth smiles fondly and says, reassuringly, "you can. I will help you learn how to cope a little bit before you go to the rehabilitation center." I start crying quietly. "What if you can't help me?!!" I scream. "I can; I know I can help. I'm not one to give up easily." she says gently. "Whatever." I mumble. Elizabeth smiles patiently.
"Now, when was the last time you had the urge to cut?" she asks. I don't answer. I have the urge right now and it's a bit overwhelming. "Evelyn, please answer me.......and answer me honestly." she says, trying to coax me into answering. I take a shaky breath and say "I have the urge now." Tears sting my eyes and I feel like I'm going to completely break down. "Why?" Elizabeth asks, her voice calm.
"I-I don't know!!" I cry. "Try, when you go back to your room, which is in like two minutes, to distract yourself. If you can't distract yourself, find a nurse and tell them you have the urge to hurt yourself." Elizabeth advises. I sigh and allow a nurse to take me back to my room.