Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Forgiveness

"Evelyn." Lahni says, standing in the doorway.  I don't answer; I'm still trying to sleep.  I hear her cross the room and she gently shakes me.  I open my eyes and look at her.  "Good morning." she says.  "Good morning." I say, sitting up and stretching as I finally accept I have to wake up.  Lahni sits on the edge of the bed and looks at me, clearly thinking about something.  

"I've noticed you haven't really been eating much." she cautiously says.  I roll my eyes.  "Is that on purpose or have you just not been hungry?" she asks.  I roll my eyes and sigh. "Lahni, I'm not in the mood for this." I say, shaking my head.  "Just answer that and I'll leave you alone." she says, trying to be patient with me.  "Both." I say before going to the bathroom and brushing my hair and teeth.  I get dressed and force myself to smile.

I hate myself so much right now, but I can't do anything about it.  I decide to leave my hair down in it's natural, frizzy form.  I go to Lahni and ask her if she has a few bobby pins I can use to keep my hair out of my eyes.  She sighs.  "Evelyn, after I had to force a bobby pin out of your hand, do you really think that's a good idea?" she asks.  "Lahni, I'm not going to try to hurt myself and I'll give them back to you right after dinner." I say.  "Evelyn, I'm not sure...." she says, hesitating.

"I'm not going to hurt myself!" I say, stomping my foot in frustration.  "They're not allowed...." she says.  "Just put your hair in a ponytail or braid or bun or something." she suggests.  "I always wear my hair in a ponytail or braid.  I want it down or in a bun, but I don't have any bobby pins." I say impatiently.  "Are we really fighting over bobby pins?" Lahni asks, moments from laughing.  I almost start laughing.

"No, we're fighting over the lack of trust you have in me." I respond.  She sighs.  "I can do a really pretty bun without bobby pins.  Let me do it." she says with a small smile.  "Okay." I say, walking back into the bathroom.

"How many hair bows do you have?" she asks me.  I  hand her my four hair bows and watch in the mirror as she brushes my frizzy hair.  She french braids my hair until the braid reaches where a high ponytail would be placed.  She pulls my hair into a tight ponytail right there, securing the braid.  She then twists my hair tightly and rolls it into a tight bun.  She tucks a few loose hairs in and adds the other three hair bows, so the bun is tight.  

I check it in the mirror, making sure it looks perfect.  "Wow.  You're pretty good at hair." I say with a sweet smile.  She laughs and says "I've had plenty of practice."  I roll my eyes.  "Now, I know I said I would leave you alone, but why have you been eating less?" she asks me, concern and comfort in her eyes.  I remember all the text messages Julio sent me when we were together.  I take a deep breath.  

"I'm not perfect.  I don't look perfect, I don't act perfect, I'm just.....not perfect." I say.  Lahni nods, trying to get me to explain more.  "It has to do with what Julio, my ex-boyfriend, used to tell me.  He'd convince me everyone would like me better if I skipped some meals and lost weight.  He told me if I looked skinnier he'd love me more and the beatings would stop and he wouldn't be so embarrassed to have me as his girlfriend.  So, lately, his words have really stuck, I guess, and I haven't been able to bring myself to eat." I explain.

Lahni's expression softens and she pulls me into a hug.  I'm not going to start crying.....I'm not going to start crying......I'm not that weak.  I feel tears hit my cheeks and I finally completely breakdown.  "Evelyn, listen to me.  I've been where you are.  I was severely depressed my junior and senior year of high school and my first two years of college because of the abusive relationship I was in.  You can't let his words continue to get to you because if you do, you'll never be happy.  You'll keep replaying them over and over until the day you die.  Trust me." she says, holding me at arm's length as I continue crying.