Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Tension Is High

"Evelyn.....can I talk to you?" Lahni says, coming into my room.  I can tell she's been crying by her voice.  "Just so you can agree with my psychologist, scream at me, overreact to everything I say, then run out of the room?  Yeah, no thanks." I say.  Lahni sits down in a chair beside my bed anyway.  "Great, you're sitting down anyway." I say sarcastically.  "Evelyn, I didn't mean to get so upset with you.  Please don't push me away." she says, playing with her hair in a nervous manner.  

"Too bad." I tell her, turning away from her to face the wall.  I feel her hand on my shoulder.  "I'm here for you.  That's why I'm so emotionally invested.  I don't want you to hurt yourself and hearing how you almost died terrified me.  I couldn't sit there and listen to that.  It hurt my heart.  I want to help you, but you don't want to let me in even though I'm doing the best I can to get to you." Lahni says.  I hear the emotion and worry in her voice.  "Please leave me alone." I whisper, pulling away from her.  "You know me better than that.  You know I'm not going to leave you alone until you tell me what's on your mind." she replies, forcing herself to laugh.  I don't respond.

"Leave me alone to die.......if you leave me here, that's what will happen." I say after a few silent moments.  "You're not going to die.  There's nothing wrong with you; you were physically cleared.  Seriously, what are you talking about?" Lahni says.  "I'm not going to eat or drink until you let me go home.  I'm going on a hunger strike until you let me out of here." I say.  "Evelyn, you need to eat and drink.  What makes you think that's a good idea?" she asks.  I don't answer her.  "Please answer me." she says after it becomes clear I'm not going to speak.

"Lahni, leave me alone!" I snap.  "Evelyn," Lahni says, laughing slightly.  "I'm not going to give up or leave you alone.  We know each other extremely well and you know me better than that." she finishes her sentence.  "Yeah, well let's get to know each other all over again!  Get out and never speak to me again." I say, hostility in my voice.  "No, I'm going to help you figure this out." she replies.  

"I don't need help from you or from anyone else!  I need to be left alone....I have it figured out and I know what I'm doing." I say, shutting down any of her thoughts of helping me or of letting anyone else help me.  "Evelyn, no.  I will not give up on you!  I can't lose anyone else!" Lahni says, sounding near tears all over again.  "Too bad!" I say.  "Give it up already." I quickly add.

"No.......why are you acting like this all of a sudden?  It's so unlike you to be so hostile and to keep pushing me away." she says.  I debate trusting her for a moment.  I can't......I won't.  "You're just another person.  You're no different.  When I was forced to come here, I promised myself I wouldn't open up to anyone.  I'm keeping that promise." I say.  "Why?" Lahni asks.  "None of your business." I harshly say before going back to silently staring at the wall.

"You know what I think?" she says.  "I frankly don't care." I respond.  "I think you're just angry at everyone trying to help you because you don't want help.  You want to dig yourself deeper and deeper into this hole until there's not a way for anyone to pull you out." she says.  "I said I don't care and you couldn't have been more wrong." I say.  She sighs and says "Evelyn, I'm just going to leave you alone a little while.  Maybe you'll feel like talking later."  She leaves and I'm left alone with my thoughts, which get scarier as time passes.  

Lahni comes back into my room about three hours later.  "Kat said we should finish our team meeting." she says.  I don't move from the bed; I hate 'team meetings' and they all frustrate me, especially when they all talk at the same, exact time.  Lahni grabs my arm and pulls them both behind my back before guiding/pushing me  to Kat's office.  "Let go." I say, pulling away from her as soon as we're in Kat's office.