Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

"You Don't Care!"

"Therapy, Evelyn." my mom calls one morning when I'm having a panic attack in my room at the idea of having to speak to Harper. My heart pounds and my palms sweat. I haven't taken my anxiety medicine in three days and my anxiety has gotten a lot stronger since it got used to the medicine in my system. I sit against the door, crying silently. I throw up in the trash can and lay down weakly. "Come on, Evelyn." my mom says, grabbing my arm. I throw up again and try to breathe. "Fine, you'll go tomorrow!" she snaps, letting me go. I cry harder and try not to be sick. I'm sweating all over and I feel dizzy. I'm going to die! My chest hurts and my stomach churns. This is one of the worst panic attacks ever! My mom throws the phone at me saying "Harper wants to speak to you." My feeling of panic increases as I shakily put the phone to my ear.
"Evelyn, is everything okay?" Harper asks, her voice like honey. I try to breathe, but I'm hyperventilating. "Evelyn...." Harper says, trying to get my attention. I put the phone on speaker phone and lay against the wall. I shiver, my body shaking painfully. I cry out suddenly, a horrible twinge of pain and panic hitting me. "Sweetie, calm down." she says. I gasp for air and choke painfully. "Have you taken your medicine?" she asks. I don't answer. I crawl to the phone and hang up, needing to be alone. I need to cut.....I need to escape.....I have to die........right now!! I go to the bathroom and I dig the blade into my wrist, hoping I die. I begin pouring blood from the ten cuts on my wrist. My mom comes into the bathroom and she sees me black out. She screams and calls for an ambulance.
I wake up in an ambulance, rushing to the hospital. There's a lot of pressure on my arm, but I don't feel pain, I feel fear. I scream and start thrashing around. Two people forcibly hold me in place. I try to hit them with both arms as my panic attack gets worse. I sob in submission, just wanting to die, which is what these people are trying to do. My vision is spotty and I feel sick, sicker than I usually do when I have a panic attack. They stop the ambulance and open the doors. I hear two male voices talking with a female one, but I can't understand what is being said. Then, I hear my mom's voice.
"I'll call her psychologist." she says before her voice disappearing. Then, I realize she's calling Harper. I blink a few times and look around with wide, wild eyes. My vision is mostly clear and I realize I'm in the pediatric hospital near my school. I start crying, my heart racing. "What's her name?" the female voice asks. "Evelyn." one of the male voices answers before two sets of foot steps begins walking in the other direction. "Evelyn, what happened?" she asks. I don't answer, I don't know who I'm talking to or why I'm being asked all these questions. I don't remember what happened or what was going on, but I know it has to end now. I see a syringe laying on the table beside the stretcher I'm strapped to.
I grab it and uncap it, my hand shaking. I hold it in front of my chest, trying to steady my hand. "I'll do it." I whisper. "No!" the woman exclaims, grabbing my hand. I try to stab myself, but the syringe is wrestled away from me.
"You don't want to do that." she says softly as she recaps the syringe. I nod and try to focus. "Evelyn!" Harper's voice resonates though out the floor. I hear her heels clicking as she rushes across the floor. "What happened?" she asks. My mom replies "she tried to kill herself." Harper gasps. "Why would she do that?" she asks. "I don't know, ask her." my mom replies, her tone very condescending.
"Why?" Harper asks. The world spins and I feel a sharp pain in my arm. I look at the cuts and see that someone just stabbed me with something. "Just numbing." the woman that stopped me from killing myself earlier says, smiling. I gasp for air and look at Harper. "Answer me." she orders. I shake my head, unintentionally making the dizziness worse. I faint suddenly, I'm scared, but I hope I don't wake up. I feel something placed on my face and a sense of heat and tugging on my arm.
I wake up what feels like a few moments later, feeling sad that I didn't die. My arm is bandaged and I'm in a different room. My mom is sleeping on the chair by the bed. I stay quiet, I can't deal with all of her questions right now. I look out the window and see it's dark outside. There's a beeping sound nearby, which helps me understand where I am. I look at a screen near me and see a bunch of squiggly lines going up and down. There's a piece of plastic in my arm connected to another machine and there's a bunch of sticky tabs on my chest. I touch my face to find a plastic dome covering my nose and mouth. What's going on? I bite my lip and try to place all of the things I've noticed. Something tightens around my upper arm, but it doesn't hurt. It beeps moments later and loosens.
Someone comes into my room. "Oh, you're awake." a woman says. I nod. "Do you know where you are?" she asks. I shake my head. "Do you know who you are?" she asks. I nod, I'm not stupid. "What's your name?" she asks as she puts something into the machine connected to the plastic in my arm. "Evelyn." I whisper. She nods. "Evelyn, you're in the hospital, in the I.C.U. for a suicide attempt. You lost a lot of blood and it's a miracle you're awake right now. How do you feel?" she asks. "Fine." I answer as I sit up.
My mom wakes up and she looks relieved. "She's awake." she whispers. The woman nods as she looks at a paper read out from another machine. "Her blood pressure and heart rate got a little high when she woke up. She needs to take it easy and avoid stress." she says as she notices something on the paper. "Let's sedate her for a while longer and give her more time to get her strength up. She has all the time in the world to get physically better." she says to my mom, who nods in agreement.
"Sweetie, I'm just going to put some medicine in your I.V. to let you sleep for a while." she says as she pushes something into the plastic in my arm. It stings and I feel lightheaded suddenly and goofy. I giggle and look around. "She'll be silly for about ten minutes until she falls asleep." she warns before leaving. Slowly, I become sleepier and sleepier until I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep, finally able to think things through. I tried to kill myself.........I almost succeeded............my mom found me.........she called Harper..........I'm in the hospital...............everyone knows I lost a lot of blood and might die.............the school probably knows I'm here and why I'm here............people might come see me.........why did I do this?!
I wake up suddenly, sitting up, in a frenzy. I scream in fear and try to rip the tubes out of me. My mom hits a button on the remote on the table before forcibly holding me still. I try to hit her, I have to leave, now!! People can't find me here! I'm held down by a group of people as cuffs are attached to the bed and then to my limbs. They release me and I stare up at them through my hair. "She's so young......how does she know to do these things?" a woman asks. "Her mind is very dark, she can't just have anxiety disorders.....she probably has a personality disorder or schizophrenia or something." another woman answers.
Then, a familiar voice speaks "I'll evaluate her, but all of you have to get out!" My heart races, Harper's here. The group of people leave, including my mom. Harper sits down across from me. "Hi, Evelyn." she says, forcing herself to smile. I don't answer. "Evelyn, you have to talk to me.....just this once. I'm going to ask you some questions, the first few you can nod or shake your head, the others you have to verbally answer and explain your actions. Do you hear voices?" she asks. I shake my head. "Do you seem to have two or more split characters or personalities?" she asks. I shake my head. "Do you want to kill or hurt someone else?" she asks. I shake my head again. "Do you feel sad?" she asks. I nod. "Do you just want to lay down and do nothing?" she asks. I shrug. "Do you fear gaining weight?" she asks. I shake my head. "Do you fear talking?" she asks, knowing the answer. I nod. "Do you have intense periods of fear and panic?" she asks. I nod. "Are you happy one week then sad the next?" she asks. I shake my head again, I'm almost always sad and afraid. "Do you want to hurt yourself?" she asks. I nod again. "Do you want to die?" she asks. I nod once more.
"Okay, why did you try to kill yourself?" she asks after she finishes writing something down. I lick my lips, I know I have to answer her, but I'm afraid to. I suddenly feel angry. "You don't care." I whisper. Harper hums inquisitively. "You don't care!" I repeat myself, louder than before. "Evelyn...." Harper sighs.