Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Goodbye

I still can't believe Lahni is quitting.  How could she do this to me?!  I shouldn't have ever trusted her.  I can't trust anybody, just like I feared.  She lied to me when she said that she was doing the right thing.  I will never speak to anyone ever again!  I can't trust anyone to stay by my side!  It's wrong of me to think I could.

I hear a knock on my door.  I know who's on the other side, so I don't say anything.  The door opens and Lahni comes in.  "Hey, honey." she says, closing the door behind her.  I don't say anything; I'm so mad at her.  "I know you're mad at me, but we really need to talk before my shift ends......which is in an hour.  You don't want anger and resentment to be the last thing you remember between us." she says.  I sigh.  "What?" I ask.

I know she's just going to make me feel worse, so it would be better if she just left me alone.  "I think we need to talk about why I'm taking a break from nursing.  You seemed really angry earlier and I thought it would be a good idea to spend some time with you and see if we can see eye to eye." she says.  I glare at her, not in the mood to 'see eye to eye', especially not on something like this.  "I'm taking a break from nursing because it's the right thing to do.  We were talking last night and I stupidly told you when I hurt myself last.  You asked me how I could tell you to get better and stop when I was still doing it and you said I was a hypocrite.  You were right and that was a major eye opener.  You made me realize I needed to take my own advice and recover from my depression and self injurious behavior.  I know this is hard for you, but you know this is just as hard, if not harder, for me." Lahni explains.  

"That's not good reasoning!" I snap.  "I know it doesn't seem like it is to you, but I promise you I'm doing the right thing." she says.  "What makes this the right thing to do?" I ask her.  "Evelyn, we've always been honest with each other, right?" she says.  I open mouth to answer, but she interrupts me.  "My self harm has gotten a lot worse and I might do something really bad if I don't get help now.  It's the same principle as every who is here.  They're getting help for their self harm and suicidal actions.  I have to be a good role model and take care of myself because if I don't, Evelyn, I will die." she explains.

I guess she is doing the right thing.  Tears burn my eyes; how could I have been so insensitive and rude?!  "I care very much about you, Evelyn.  I'm so sorry." Lahni says.  I look into her eyes and see she's almost crying.  "I don't understand why you can't work and recover at the same time." I say.  "Evelyn, I use work as means of distraction from dealing with things.  I use it to mask my problems and pretend I'm okay.  I can't work because I do that and it's not healthy.  It will keep me from recovering." she explains.  "You're the only person I'm close to here." I cry.

"I know, honey.  I understand how upsetting this is for you.  I feel horrible for hurting you and making you feel abandoned, but you said it yourself.....you look to me to do the right thing and if you were in this situation, I'd want you to do the same thing I'm doing." she says.  "Who knows when I'll be back?  It might be in a few months; it might not happen at all.  We don't know if this is goodbye forever." Lahni says after I'm quiet a few moments.  "I never thought this would happen." I say.  

"I didn't either.  Thi wasn't exactly on my to-do list." she says, laughing.  I laugh too.  "I'm going to miss that." I say.  "I am too." Lahni says, a tear hitting her cheek.  I hug her and wipe my own tears.  "Thank you for inspiring me to recover when no one else did." I say.  "You just have to actually recover, Evelyn." she says.

"I don't think I can do that." I reply.  "You have to!!  You can't let your time on Earth go to waste or end short.  You need to get better and change people's lives........that's what will make this whole thing worthwhile.  I mean, I feel my depression and self harm has been worthwhile because it's given you hope.  Don't  you want to do that?" she says.  I nod.  "Then, please get better." she quietly says.  "I will." I say.  She gently squeezes my hand.  I smile tearfully.

"Evelyn, this is goodbye." she says.  I try not to cry.  "I......don't want to say goodbye." I say, crying.  "I know, sweetie." she says, playing with my hair.  I take a shaky breath.  "Bye, honey." she says, hugging me.  "Bye." I say, hugging her back.  She smoothes my hair and pulls away.  She smiles and leaves.  I sigh.  I guess this......had to happen.  I wipe my tears and sigh again.  I wish this didn't have to happen; it's so hard to have to say goodbye to someone who has helped me through so much.