Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Lies and Pain

I roll off the small bed and hit my face on the floor. "Oh." I groan. I begin to panic suddenly. "Where am I?!" I yell, adrenaline pumping through my body. I breathe quickly and tremble all over. Caroline comes in quickly and pushes me back onto the bed. "Oh." I groan again, hitting the bed with quite a bit of force. "What the heck was that for?!!" I yell, sitting up and glaring at Caroline. "You were a danger to me." she shrugs, looking down at me. "Why am I here?" I ask, narrowing my eyes and preparing to attack her if she's rude. "Do you remember?" she asks, seeming genuinely concerned. I shake my head, I don't remember much of anything, except my name and age.
"Good. The medicine did what it was supposed to. You don't remember you tried to kill yourself or that your family was abusive." Caroline says, looking at a syringe laying on the counter. My roommate is still sleeping soundly. "Evelyn, I gave you a powerful sedative-memory eraser combination. Your memory will return in around a day or two." Caroline says. I am angry that she took my memories. "Make me remember, now." I order. "No. You're not allowed to remember until you can handle the memories." she replies. "That's stupid!!" I scream, pushing Caroline as hard as I can.
She stumbles backward and looks at me, stunned. She pushes me back onto the bed and straps me to it so tight it's hard to breathe. I try to breathe, but because I'm already hyperventilating, I can't. She leaves the room after stabbing something into my arm. I cry out and suddenly feel dizzy. I black out.
I wake up to my roommate's empty bed and no restraints. I have a tube in my arm and a heavy cap on my head. A machine nearby sounds loudly. I sit up, causing the cap to fall off. I scream in horror as the door opens and an unfamiliar woman enters. "Shh....I'm not like the others; I want to help you." she whispers, quickly closing the door and approaching me.
"Stay away." I whimper. She takes the tube out of my arm and sits across from me. "Evelyn, I can give you your memories, but you can't let anyone know you have them. I think how people here act is cruel. Just stay calm and tell me what they've done to you so far." she says, her voice low. "Umm......Caroline talked to me the night I came in. I woke up to a panic attack. She pushed me back onto the bed and told me I was a danger to her. She asked me if I remembered why I was here and I said no. She said the medicine did what it was supposed to and I'll get my memories back in a day or two, when I can handle them. She said I tried to kill myself. I told her to make me remember, but she wouldn't. I got mad and pushed her. She pushed me onto the bed and strapped me down so tight I couldn't breathe. She left after stabbing something in my arm that made me feel dizzy and caused me to black out. I woke up to this cap on my head and that tube in my arm." I list off. The woman nods and gets something out of a cabinet.
I look at it and see it's a huge shot. "Don't." I cry. "This won't hurt, I promise. It will tickle for a second and then you'll remember everything." she says comfortingly. I nod and let her inject me. I remember my whole life, it all flashing by quickly. I gasp and look at her. "I remember." I whisper. She nods and holds a finger to her lips. I smile as she leaves.
I lay back down and pretend to still be unconscious. Caroline comes in and looks at me. She sighs and says "good, Riley didn't ruin everything." So that woman was Riley. How could giving me my memories have ruined everything? She leaves and I sit up. I still have my phone in my pocket. I text Harper.
"You're such a liar." I send. "How?" she replies. "You said two days. I want to leave." I reply. "You're coming home soon." she promises. "This place is horrible. They took my memories away, but one of the nurses, Riley, I think, gave me something that brought them back. I've been pushed around and strapped down. Please let me leave." I send. "I'll have you released and put somewhere that isn't detrimental." she finally replies. I sit on my bed and stay quiet.
About five hours later, I'm taken out of the room and put in an ambulance. They speed away and I'm put into another hospital. "You're not admitted, stay here and wait." an older man says to me, pointing at a seat. I sit down and watch the chaos all around me. "Evelyn?" a woman calls from a room connected to the waiting room. I stand and walk across the waiting room, feeling everyone's eyes on me. "Have a seat." the woman, who is extremely tan with light blue eyes and light blonde, pink streaked hair says. I sit down and look at the nameplate on the desk. Her name is Elizabeth. "So, why are you here?" she asks.
"A suicide attempt." I say, shrugging. "Oh. Why'd you try to kill yourself?" she asks. "I have depression and many anxiety disorders......I couldn't handle it anymore." I answer. Why is it so easy to talk to her? This is really weird. "Okay, what anxiety disorders do you have?" Elizabeth asks.
"Panic disorder and social anxiety disorder, I think." I say. She nods and writes that down. "Any medication?" she asks. "Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medicine, and a sleeping pill." I say. She writes that down and asks about my situation at home. "I'm in foster care because my family was abusive." I answer. "Any self harm or previous attempts?" she asks. "Yes to both questions." I say. "Cutting?" she asks. I nod. "How many attempts before?" she asks. "One." I say. "How last time? How this time?" she asks.
"Cutting the first time, jumping in front of a car this time." I answer. "How do you feel now?" she asks. "Numb." I answer. "No emotions?" she asks. I nod. "That's a part of
depression. What do you usually do when you feel numb or stressed or anything negative?" Elizabeth asks. "I cut." I say honestly.
"Okay, well now I need you to undress so I can mark any cuts or marks on you and take your personal items." she says. I slowly undress, feeling more and more uncomfortable. I stand in front of her in my underwear as she marks all my cuts and scars on a printed page. "Okay, you can keep your panties on, just remove your bra and put on this sports bra and this t-shirt and sweatpants." she says, handing me clothes and putting all my stuff in a bag and documenting it. I quickly put on the clothes and sit back down, feeling anxious suddenly. "Good." Elizabeth says, sitting back down across from me. "I hope you adjust well, the program here is a stabilization program. You'll go home in about three days." she says before picking up her phone and calling someone. "A nurse will show you to your room." she says. I nod and start picking at the clothes I'm wearing anxiously. "It'll be fine." she says, seeing my anxiety.
The nurse enters and motions for me to follow her.  I do, falling silent.  She takes me to my room and leaves.  I sit down on the bed and hug my legs, feeling really anxious.  "I hate my life." I mumble sadly.  "Why's that?" someone a bit older than me asks, coming in and sitting on the other bed.  I gulp silently.  My anxiety rises into my throat.  I dry my hands on the pants I'm wearing and look down.  "Oh, you're one of the fearfuls." she mumbles, rolling her eyes and opening a sketch pad.  I run from the room, unable to think clearly.  I run into someone and fall to the floor.  My head, sadly, doesn't hit the floor.  "Are you okay?" an older man asks, helping me up.  I look around frantically.  I need to kill myself right now.  I've embarrassed myself and my roommate hates me.  I pull away and run into the bathroom.  There isn't a tub to drown myself in or a razor to cut with.  "I'm trapped!!!" I sob, sinking to my knees at the mercy of my anxiety and suicidal thoughts.  The man enters and helps me up.  I pull away and fall against the wall.  I cry out as my chest hurts suddenly.
"Evelyn, what's wrong?" he asks, crouching down to me.  I shake my head and press myself into a corner.  "You're safe here." he promises.  LIES!!!!  I AM NOT SAFE HERE, THEY'RE MAKING IT WORSE!!!!!!  I shake my head again and hide my face in my knees.  He calls for a psychiatrist.  "Evelyn....." a familiar voice says.  I look up.  It's Elizabeth....the woman who talked to me when I first got here.  I cry harder, completely breaking down.  She extends her hand to me.  I shake my head, but try to stand up.  I follow her to a room away from all the other people. 
"Take a deep  breath." she advises.  I take a shaky breath as tears continuously run down my face.  "Is this a panic attack?" she asks.  I nod.  "I'll get you some ativan." she says, leaving the room and returning with a small pill.  "Put this under your tongue and let it disolve." she instructs, giving me the pil.  I let it disolve and wait for the effect. 
Minutes later, I feel sleepy and calm.  I yawn, barely able to keep my eyes open.  Elizabeth laughs and helps me to my room.  I lay down in bed and quickly fall asleep.