Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Intensely Emotional

THREE DAYS LATER

I go to Harper's office, knowing I can't keep skipping my internship like I have been.  I haven't intentionally been avoiding it...I've just been worried about Hannah too much to do anything.  It hurts that I had to hospitalize her and it hurts more having seen just how hard it was on her.  A tear falls as I pull in and park.  I wipe it away before I grab my purse, making sure to silence my phone.  I go to Harper's office and sit down, sighing.  "How are you doing today, hon?" Harper asks me as she looks at the file in front of her.  "I miss my sister." I tell her.  "I know you do...you must be so worried." she says, still not looking up.  

"I need to talk to you." I say, feeling a little frustrated with her absentmindedness and preoccupation.  She finally looks at me.  "What about?" she asks, seeming distant and still preoccupied.  "Is it a good idea for me to be back in treatment?" I ask her.  "I don't know, Evelyn...is it?" she asks me.  "I think so..." I say, looking away.  "Why do you think it's a good idea?" Harper asks me.  "I'm self harming again, having flashbacks and nightmares, having panic attacks, I feel really depressed, and there are times I have thoughts of dying." I tell her.  "Okay...do you think you need me to refer you to someone able to help you?" she asks, tapping a pen against her hand.  

"Actually....I was thinking you could start helping me...more formally..." I tell her.  She looks at me.  "Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asks, sounding skeptical.  I nod.  "Would you actually cooperate and not be resistant?" she asks, laughing.  I nod again, feeling stupid for even bringing this up.  "Never mind...I'm just being stupid." I mumble.  "Evelyn, I'm not trying to make you feel bad for reaching out.  You're just sort of out of the age range I usually treat and I want you to get better...I'm not sure I can help." Harper tells me, genuine concern and compassion in her voice for the first time today.

"You're the only person I trust...and the only person who knows my past.  If I had to completely start over, I would not go through treatment again...I'd rather suffer." I tell her.  "Evelyn...I'll help you...but you have to know that if you don't make improvement...I'll transfer you to someone better with your age group." Harper tells me.  "Okay." I say.  "I have an hour of unscheduled time this afternoon I'll have scheduled for an evaluation...just to see where you are right now." she says.  "Okay." I say.

THAT AFTERNOON

"Okay, we're all caught up on notes and stuff, so let's get this over with." Harper tells me with a calm smile.  I ignore my anxiety and smile too.  She hands me a bunch of intake forms that I fill out quickly.  "Okay, let's just start with basic questions...do you have any physical problems you're concerned about?" she asks.  I shake my head.  "Do you feel depressed, sad, or burned out?" she asks.  I nod.  "Have you ever had feelings of wanting to harm yourself?" she asks.  "Have you ever tried to harm yourself?" she asks.  I nod.  "How?" she asks.  "Cutting...past suicide attempts." I tell her.  I hate this whole evaluation process.  She already knows the answer to all these questions.  

"Do you have a problem with anger, like having a temper?" she asks.  I shake my head.  "Do you have more of a temper if you drink or use drugs?" she questions me.  "I don't drink or use drugs." I tell her.  "Do you resent being given advice?" she asks.  "Not really." I tell her.  "What do you like to do in your free time?" Harper asks.  "Spend time with Hannah." I say, feeling near tears at the thought of not being around my sister for a few months.  "Do you think people are basically not very trustworthy and they'll take advantage of you if you let them?" she asks.  "That's a weird way to word it, but yeah." I say, starting to feel bored and irritated.  "Are you sensitive to what others think of you?" she asks.  I nod.  "Do you feel like it's you against the world?" she asks.  I nod.  "Are  you uncomfortable in social situations?" she asks.  "Some." I admit.