Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

I Just Realized.

A FEW HOURS LATER

My phone vibrates with a text message.  I look at my phone and roll my eyes when I see Harper texted me.  "Chloe told me how things went earlier.  Are you alright?" she sent.  I sigh, tears burning my eyes suddenly.  "I don't know.  Chloe is so frustrating and she is constantly looking 'for a deeper reason' behind things and she acts like she doesn't even care!  She challenges everything I say." I reply.  "What did you expect?  She works specifically with resistant teens who have not responded to treatment by the rest of the staff.  She's going to challenge you and try to find the reason behind everything.  She's doing that because she cares about you and wants to help." Harper responds.  "She can be so mean at times.  She wants me to give her all of my blades.  I don't trust her enough....yet.  She's so expectant and she wants me to be able to express my emotions and seem vulnerable around her even though it's the first time I've spoken to her." I send.  "Evelyn, she's going to be hard on you.  She's really....challenging when she needs to be, but she's also really nice and reassuring when she needs to be.  You'll grow to trust her soon."she said.  I send her a frowny face.  

I can't believe Chloe is so expectant and....difficult!  I really don't like her.  I can't express my feelings around her and she doesn't understand that.  I don't want to go back, but at the same time I do.  That doesn't make any sense, but nothing does anymore.  I know one thing certainly though, she is not getting my blades.  She can fight me on that as much as she wants, but I'm not ready to do that.  She has to respect that boundary and give me time to stop.  If I just randomly can't do it anymore, I'm not sure what I would do.  It would be a disaster.

THREE DAYS LATER 

I sit in my room, worrying about going to therapy today.  My stomach is in knots and I truly don't want to go.  It will end badly.  Should I give her my blades?  What will happen if I don't?  What will happen if I do?  I shake my head; I can't do it.  I'm not ready and she can't make me be ready for such a huge step.  It took me years to trust Harper enough to give her my blades last time.  I can't just do that the second time I'm even talking to them.  It's impossible!  I have a feeling she isn't going to understand, but I have to try to explain it to her.  

I decide to text Harper.  "Harper, Chloe wants me to give her all of my blades and I'm not ready to.  If I don't, how will she react?" I send, my anxiety really high.  My phone vibrates with her response.  "She'll probably try to figure out the reason behind it and might come across as frustrated or frustrating in the process of that.  I suggest giving her the blades." she said.  I sigh.  I can't!  Why doesn't anyone understand that?  It's not possible!!  "I can't!  I don't trust her enough and I'm not ready for such a big step.  I don't know what I'll do if I can't cut.  It would end horribly." I reply.  "Evelyn, it's your choice.  I'm just warning you that it's a good idea to comply with Chloe.  She is very.......demanding at times and she will do what she feels is best, even if it's against your wishes." Harper responds.  I sigh.  "I can't." I reply.  "Alright, let me know how things go......well, she already does tell me how things go, but I prefer hearing it from you." she sends, with a smiley emoticon at the end.  

"Evelyn, it's time to go!" Suzanne says, coming in my room.  I'm as dressed as I'm going to be; I don't feel like doing my hair and stuff.......sweat pants and a hoodie is what's going to have to do today.  "Pull your hair off your face; it's really messy." she says.  "I don't want to.  I like my curls in my face." I say.  "At least pin them back a little." she says, picking up a few bobby pins from my nightstand.  "Nope." I say.  "Throw it in a bun." she says.  I grab a hair bow and put my hair in a messy bun, leaving my long bangs down.  "That's pretty." she says.  I roll my eyes and slip on my sandals.  We walk out to the car.