Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

It's Complicated

Harper looks into my eyes and sighs.  "Evelyn, you're stronger than this...please don't give up...I'm sorry I frustrate you by trying to fix things, but I'm not going to stop trying to fix things just because it angers you.  Fixing things is what I do and I only try to fix things for the people I truly care about.  I would be devastated if you were to die.  I would never be able to live with myself." she says, tears running down her face.  "Harper, I can't do this anymore!  It hurts too much!" I angrily exclaim.  "Shh....you're in control of your life and the world around you, Evelyn.  You're in charge.  You can overcome your past because the past isn't as strong as you feel...please...don't give up.  You're going to be in an inpatient treatment program for a little while and then, you're going to start seeing a new psychologist and psychiatrist on an outpatient basis.  You will overcome your past.  You're so strong and amazing.  Recovery will happen sooner than you think." Harper says to me.  I cry silently as Harper gently hugs me.  

Someone knocks on the door.  "Come in!" Harper calls, wiping away her tears.  The doctor walks in.  "We have decided, after talking to her family, that she's going to be transferred to a psychiatric hospital specializing in treating adolescents, which describes ages 13-19.  She'll stay there until she has met all her treatment goals." he says.  "All of them?!" I exclaim.  "All of them...since your history shows this is something that has happened a lot." he tells me.  My stomach drops.  I'll be in the hospital a long time.  "What about my internship?  What about school?!" I demand.  "You're already on leave, Evelyn...it won't make much of a difference...just take another semester off, so when you're out of the hospital, you can complete your internship with me." Harper says, trying to reassure me.  

I sigh quietly.  I know this is probably best for me...and is something I should do...but that doesn't take away the fear.  "She'll be transferred whenever a spot opens up." he states.  "What hospital is she being sent to?" Harper asks him.  "Peaceful rest adolescent psychiatric hospital." he replies.  Harper seems to breathe a sigh of relief, but anxiety prickles through me.  This should be...interesting, in a bad way.  

The doctor leaves and my family comes in.  "Hey, Evelyn..." Suzanne says.  Mark and Hannah stand in the door way.  Tears are running down Hannah's face.  Harper crosses the room and hugs her.  "I'll talk to you later.." she quietly says.  Hannah shakes her head and pulls away.  "I'm sorry that I didn't notice the signs this was going to happen sooner...I'm sorry I was being so horrible to you...I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me." Suzanne cries, hugging me.  All of a sudden, a surge of anger hits me and I push her away from me.  "I hate you!" I scream.  Mark's mouth opens in shock and Suzanne storms out.  Mark sighs quietly.  "I'll give you three time to talk...I have to go calm her down.." he says before leaving me alone with Hannah and Harper.

"Hannah, is there something you want to say to Evelyn?" Harper asks.  I look at her, trying to push back my anger.  "I can't believe you did this...you promised you wouldn't leave or hurt me." Hannah says.  "Hannah, it's more complicated than that." Harper says as I open my mouth to speak.  "No!  It's not a matter of being complicated or uncomplicated!  She tried to leave me!  First she tried to kill me in a car wreck, now she's trying to kill herself to get away from me!  I hate all of you!!  Maybe I should die so she'd have a reason to live!!  Just leave me alone!!" she cries before also leaving the room, letting the door slam.

Tears run down my face involuntarily as pain and anger runs through me.  I'm a bad person.  I should have died.  The doctor walks in.  "A spot has opened up.  Since she's such high risk, we're transferring her now by ambulance." he says.  Three nurses come in.  The restraints around my wrists are released and I'm moved over onto a stretcher before I'm restrained again and a sheet is laid over me before a nurse fastens a safety belt and moves me into the hallway.  Two men are waiting in the hallway and I'm wheeled outside and into an ambulance.  

Anxiety fills me and I begin struggling against the restraints.  "No!!  Let me out!!  This can't happen to me!  Not again!" I exclaim, trying to pull free.  I can't handle being in a moving vehicle without being in control.  I can't do this!  I'm not safe.  I pull one hand free of the restraints and try to undo the other and the safety belt.  One of the men tightly hold my arm and put it back in the restraint.  "Stop!!" I scream, trying to kick him.  The other man holds my legs.  "Get away from me!" I scream, becoming louder.  He's going to hurt me.  They're going to rape me like my mom's boyfriend raped me.

The man that was holding my arm stabs a syringe into my upper arm and then goes back to restraining me further than the restrains do.  I begin to feel dizzy and light headed.  Tears run down my face as I continue to fight.  Then, I feel my muscles relax and the world becomes distant and I feel really sleepy.  I try to keep my eyes open, tears still falling, strangled cries still escaping my mouth.  My eyes then shut and the world goes completely black.