Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Forest Disaster

I look at the calendar on the wall. I've been here for twenty days. I'm adjusted to my stupid schedule and to being stuck here, but the only thing I'm left with is a numb feeling that leaves me craving an escape. I haven't cut since that one relapse twelve days ago, but I think about it all day, every day. I'm no longer constantly anxious, but I would rather have panic attacks. I hate not feeling anything; it scares me.

Jas meets me outside under our favorite tree for breakfast. She already has her bottle of water in her hand and my bowl of oatmeal beside her. "Hey." I say, sitting down. She nods to me as she takes a sip of water. I take a bite of oatmeal and sigh. "You okay?" Jas asks. "Just really numb." I answer. "I've been there......I wish I could still be there." she says with a slight frown. "What do you feel now?" I ask curiously. "Terror, total sadness, anger." she answers.

"That sounds easier than this." I say, finishing my oatmeal quickly. "It's not." she says.

I throw away the empty bowl and see someone new. I shrug, new people come here every day, it's nothing new. I follow my usual schedule and when asked how I am in each I answer 'numb'. They all give me different advice, but none of it sounds as good as self harming.

When I have individual therapy, Zoe already knows what's going on. "So, you're really numb. What do you think you should do?" she asks. I bite my lip. I don't want to admit I want to cut because she'd get mad and send me away. "Do you have the urge to cut?" she asks. I nod, being honest with her. "Use the coping mechanisms you've learned." she suggests.

"There's nothing to cope with!! I'm completely numb!! I feel nothing!!!!!" I snap, becoming very irritated suddenly. Zoe is surprised that I lashed out, but I've felt the numbness and frustration building and I knew I would lash at someone soon. "Better?" she asks, giggling slightly. I shake my head and start pacing. "This is just one of those things you need to deal with. How about you skip the anti-depressants this afternoon?" Zoey suggests. I nod.

"Okay, go to lunch." she says. I decide to take lunch outside again. I take my tray and sit under the same tree I always do. I wait for Jas. When she doesn't show up, I begin to get worried.

I know what room she's in, so I decide to check up on her. I put my tray in the cafeteria and walk to Jas' room. When I hear screams coming from her room, I quickly run to her. "Jas?" I ask, fear in my voice. Zoe and a nurse are restraining Jas to her bed while someone else tries to put a feeding tube in. Jas is fighting them and screaming. "Stop." I say, pushing them away from her. "Let me talk to her." I say, shaking all over. "What're you doing in here?" Zoe asks. "Standing up for my best friend." I say with a slight smile. Zoe sighs and says I have twenty minutes to convince her to eat. Jas starts crying as soon as I sit beside her. I hold her close and wait for her to stop crying. "How much weight have you lost?" I ask innocently. "Thirty pounds overall." she answers. I gasp. That's a lot of weight, no wonder they want to put a feeding tube in her. "You really need to eat." I say. She shakes her head and says "I can't." I ask her why she can't.

"The anorexia won't let me. I'm too fat to eat. I need to lose a lot more weight before I can increase my calories to one hundred calories a day." Jas explains. "No. You need to increase your calories to at least three thousand, now!" I say. The idea of that clearly frightens Jas. "I can't." she snaps, pulling away from me. I groan in frustration. Zoe and her nurses come back in.

"Jas, will you eat or do we have to put the tube and IV in?" Zoe asks. "I can't eat." Jas admits, her voice trembling. "Then, we have to put the feeding tube and IV in." Zoe says, keeping her voice strangely calm. "Evelyn, please go out." she says. I sigh and leave, not feeling like fighting them for more time. "Wait!!!" Jas calls. I stop in my tracks and go back in. "I'll eat." she whispers. I smile proudly. "Come on then." I say, hoping we'll be excused from the rest of the day's activities. "You have an hour." Zoe sighs. "Evelyn, if she doesn't eat, bring her to my office." she says. I nod and take Jas to the cafeteria. She gets a tray and we go outside.

I sit beside her under our tree and wait for her to eat. She stares at the plate and sighs sadly. "I thought I could do it, but I can't." she says. "Yes, you can. Pick up the fork and take a bite of corn." I say. Her hand hovers over the fork. I put it in her hand and watch her take a small bite of corn. I cheer as she swallows it. "That's the first bite of food I've had in about three and a half weeks." she says. "Eat more." I say happily. She shakes her head. "I ate. They didn't specify how much. I ate." Jas says manipulatively. I groan and decide to just tell Zoe. "I'll be right back; try to eat more." I say.

I walk to Zoe's office and go in without knocking. "Jas ate one bite of corn and is refusing to eat more." I say, feeling more and more exasperated as time goes on.

"Just sit with her; she might eat more." Zoe says. I groan and walk out, slamming the door. I plop down beside Jas and see she's eaten probably three more bites of corn. "You're doing great." I praise, hoping she'll eat more. She doesn't. She throws the tray across the lawn and runs into the woods behind the recreation building. I follow her, unsure of where I'm going.

"Jas!!?" I call, trying to stick to the trail. I hear a scream in the distance. I follow the sound, ignoring the trail. I end up facing a cliff. I stumble back, having almost stepped over the edge. "Jas!!" I call, becoming more and more worried. She screams again, from somewhere below me. I look over the edge of the cliff and see she's dangling by a branch that looks close to snapping.

I look for anything to pull her up, but there's nothing around. "Help!!!!" I scream. "Hold on tight!" I call to Jas before turning and running back to the center. "Help!!!! Jas is cliff dangling!!" I scream, my heart racing and tears involuntarily pouring down my face. People follow me to where I last saw Jas. I don't know if we've made it in time. What if she let go? What if the branch broke?

I hear another scream and I stop dead in my tracks. Everyone that was following me runs into me, making me fall and hit my head on a log. The world goes black and the last thing I hear is another shrill scream.