Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Opening Up And Running Away

I roll over in my bed, feeling alone and sad. It's noon, I have therapy at one-thirty. I don't want to go, Harper can see right through my act and it's so annoying!! My mom is already arguing with her boyfriend and I just wish today was over already. I get out of bed and get ready, making sure I look okay. I meet my mom at the car, feeling sad and lost. I lock it away during the drive and finally manage to put the facade of happiness back up.
The receptionist tells me to go to Harper's office. I walk back and close the door. "Hey." Harper says sweetly. "Hey." I say, pretending to be happy. She frowns, looking at me. "So, how are things at home?" she asks. I shrug. "Good, bad, in between?" she asks. "They're fine!" I snap, sitting down and pulling my legs up. "Okay, honey, no reason to get frustrated." she says. I roll my eyes and try to keep my facade up, but I don't know if I can.
I don't want to just open up and have everything said and done, but it hurts so much right now and there's nothing for me to do. "Is everything okay?" she asks gently. I shrug, tears in my eyes. I wipe them away as soon as they fall. "Evelyn," Harper begins. "What!?" I snap angrily. Why am I angry? What is there to be angry about? "What's wrong?" she asks. "I don't know." I cry.
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?" she asks. "It means I have no idea why in so depressed and irritated!!" I say as I try to stop crying. "It's because you have clinical depression. It makes you feel depressed and irritable. Don't worry, I promise things will get better." Harper explains. "When?" I ask, my voice cracking. "I don't know." she answers honestly.
I tuck my head under my arm and cry, completely falling apart. There's nothing I can do to lock how I feel away now because I've, obviously, broken down. "Evelyn, what happened at home?" Harper asks. "My mom and her boyfriend are arguing again." I whisper, my voice shaking. "Oh. That must be hard." she says. I cry harder. "Are you just feeling sad?" she asks. I nod. "Oh, well, how does it feel?" she asks.
"Horrible." I snap, sitting up. "I mean, what emotions are overwhelming you?" she asks. "Sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness." I answer, finally opening up and being honest with Harper. "So, your anxiety is a bit high even with the medicine?" she asks. I nod. "Well, there's nothing we can do except teach you how to cope." she says, sighing to herself.
"I can't handle it." I say, completely discouraged. "Yes, you can. You've survived a suicide attempt, you've been depressed and anxiety ridden since fourth grade, you're overcoming your self harm urges, and you're going to be a much stronger person when this is over." Harper says, smiling gently. I shake my head, I really think I should just kill myself and be done.
"Yes." she says. "I can't do anything anymore, no strength is left, I just need to die." I say. Harper seems alarmed. "Are you thinking about killing yourself?" she asks, trying to get me to be straight forward. I shrug and say "I guess." "Evelyn, that is very bad and worrisome. I need to report that to your mom because you have to be kept safe." Harper says, her voice worry filled.
"No." I say forcibly. "I have to." Harper says, shrugging. "This is so unfair." I snap before storming out, tears running down my face. "Evelyn!" Harper calls after me. I ignore her. "Can we go?" I ask my mom. She nods and we leave. I relax as soon as I'm in the car.
Then, a sudden, horrible feeling hits me. My heart races and my lungs ache for air as fear overwhelms me. "Stop the car!!" I cry, the world spinning and my thoughts swirling around. "What?!" my mom asks impatiently. "P-p........pa.......pan......" I try to speak, but give up, needing to breathe more than I need to speak. "Panic attack?" she suggests. I nod as I hide my face.
"I'm calling Harper." my mom says. I shake my head, fear growing. I hear her on the phone, but I try really hard to block it out. My mom hands me the phone. I put it to my ear and try to say something. "Evelyn, you know you're okay. It is just a panic attack. It is your anxiety getting to you. Take a deep breath through your nose and let it out slowly." Harper says soothingly. "I......I....c-ca.....can't." I stutter as I begin to hyperventilate. I feel more dizzy and it feels like pins pricking my lips and limps. "Stop hyperventilating. Breathe slowly. You're safe, nothing bad will happen. You won't die, you won't embarrass yourself. Close your eyes and take yourself somewhere safe." Harper says, realizing what's going on. My heart thuds painfully as I slowly take a shaky breath.
"I'm scared." I whisper as tears hit my lap. "Evelyn, I know you are. Just know it's not real and it will pass soon." she says sympathetically. I cry quietly. "What are you afraid of?" she asks. "I....don't know." I cry. "Okay, what was happening?" she asks. "You were going to talk to my mom and I left the situation." I say. "Your attack was caused by leaving a stressful situation too quickly without transitioning." Harper says. "When will it stop?" I ask, my voice cracking. My chest explodes in pain as fresh fear and anxiety hits me. I cry out and fold over onto myself.
"Soon, baby." Harper says. "Let me talk to your mom now." she says gently. I hand my mom the phone and I try to calm down. I see the look of disappointment on her face when she finds out about my suicidal thoughts. I hide my face and cry, hoping she won't talk about it. I lock myself in my room once I get home, still panicking. "Make it stop." I begin to rhythmically chant. I rock, pressing myself into a corner.
I finally calm down a little, but the anxiety doesn't go away. I throw up a few times as I try to fall asleep. Once I pass out, I feel free and calm. Finally!!