Evelyn's Lesson In Recovery

Abandoned?

"Get up." Lahni says, standing in the doorway.  I sit up and she leaves.  That's strange.  Why is she acting so distant?  My arm screams in pain as I get up.  I sigh.  I don't want to get up today.  I don't even want to move.  I lay back down and fall asleep.

"Evelyn, you were supposed to be in my office five minutes ago!" Kellie says, waking me up.  "Let's just talk in here.  I don't want to leave my room." I say.  "Why not?" she asks, sitting down.  "I always have trouble getting up." I say.  "I've never known that." she replies.  "Because Lahni usually helps me want to get up and face the world.  Today.....she just seems distant." I say.  "She hasn't told you." Kellie mumbles.  

"Told me what?" I ask.  "What she decides to tell you is her choice, Evelyn.  I'm not going to tell you anything she hasn't already told you." Kellie says, shaking her head.  I sigh.  "Why don't you get up easily?" she asks after I don't reply.  "I think it's my depression." I say.  "Oh, so it's hard for you to actually get up and have the energy for the day?" she asks.  I nod.  "Well, how do you deal with that at home?" she asks.  "Coffee." I say.  "Doesn't that raise your anxiety?" she asks.  "Not really." I say.  "Oh." Kellie says.

"Who would you say your biggest supporter in this hospital is?" she asks a few minutes later.  I hesitate.  "Lahni?" I say, a questioning inflection in my voice.  Kellie looks like a deer caught in headlights momentarily.  "Oh." she says.  "What are you hiding?  Tell me, Kellie, or I will never speak to you again." I say.  "Lahni should be the one to tell you!" she exclaims.  "Tell me what!?" I impatiently ask.  "I can't tell you." she says, trying to be patient with me.

I roll my eyes.  "Sorry?" she offers.  I shrug.  "Why did you cut right in front of me yesterday?" Kellie asks.  "I was frustrated." I say.  "The frustration and depression you felt weren't relieved by snapping a rubber band against your wrist?" she asks.  I shake my head.  "Okay, well what does help?" she asks.  "Nothing really........I guess I have to wait for it to pass." I say.  

"Wait!  Drawing helps." I say.  "Great, but you're not allowed access to art supplies." she replies.  I sigh.  "I'm sorry.  I know art really helps you.  The way you tried to commit suicide raised too many red flags to allow it." she says.  I start tuning her out.  I don't want to talk to her or anyone really.  "Evelyn, why are you and Lahni so close?" Kellie asks, interrupting my train of thought.  "She's really understanding and it's clear she cares about me." I say.  "Oh." she replies.

"I do care about you, which makes this a bit harder." Lahni says, standing in the doorway.  "That's my cue to leave." Kellie says.  Lahni comes in and closes the door behind her.  "How are you doing?" she asks, seeming oddly cautious.  "What does it look like?" I ask.  "Okay?" she guesses.  "I guess." I say.  "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately." she says.

"About?" I ask.  "Just thinking in general." she says.  "What are you and Kellie trying to keep from me?" I ask, deciding to be straight-forward for once.  "I've made a decision that is what's best for both me and my patients." she says, trying to stall.  "It has nothing to do with anything that has happened with you...." she says.

"Get to the point!" I snap, feeling really impatient.  "I'm going to take a break from nursing.  I need to get myself back on track before I can help anyone else get on track." Lahni says.  I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  "This has to do with last night!" I say, hurt filling my voice.  "No, it doesn't." she says.  I look at her.  "It kind of does." she says.  I turn away from her.  "Evelyn...." she says, putting her hand on my arm.  I look at her.

"It's more than that.  You're right; I'm hypocritical and I don't want to be.  I need to do the responsible thing and get help for my problems before they spiral out of control.  Work is only going to be a distraction.  You know I'm a workaholic and I use work to distract myself from my depression.  I can't do that anymore.  I have to really get better." she says.  I pull away.  She looks hurt.  "I'm sorry." she quietly says.  I wipe my face and feel the wetness of tears.

"I have to do this.....you know that." Lahni says.  "You're the only one here who understands." I say.  "You might be surprised with who else understands here.  Kellie is here to help you, Loretta is here to help you, and, even though he's a total jerkface, Jesse is here to help you." she replies, pushing my curls off my face.  "I'm not close to any of them the way I'm close to you." I say.  "I know, but you have to form a bond with them.  You didn't like or trust me when I first started trying to help you, but now we're extremely close.  It will all be okay." she says.  

"Why would you do this?!  You don't even care about me!!" I cry.  "Evelyn, you're channeling the hurt you're feeling into lashing out at me." she points out.  "I am not!!!  Just leave me alone!!" I scream.  "I wanted you to understand this, but you're just not going to!!!  You don't see that this is the hardest choice I've ever made and I've done it because you look to me to do the right thing.  Now, I'm doing the right thing and you're screaming at me!" Lahni says.  "I don't want you to do the right thing if it means I'm being abandoned!!" I cry.

"You're not being abandoned.  I could never do anything that horrible to you.  I'm just taking care of myself." she says.  I don't respond.  "Are you okay?" she quietly asks.  "No, just leave me alone." I say.  She reaches to rub my arm, but I hit her.  She looks hurt.  "Evelyn..." she says.  "Get out!!" I scream, tears running down my face.

Lahni quickly leaves, slamming the door behind her.  I can't believe I ever thought she'd be there for me.  I should have known she'd just abandon me.  I hate her so much!  I'm tired of always being abandoned and put second.  No one cares about me and, today, that really shows.