Mdzs Oneshots

kisses and tears (Until I found you END)

How's A-Yuan? Wei Ying fiddled with the corner of his robe, half wishing he had Chenqing back so he could play with the tassels. Anything to keep my mind off that topic.

"Same as usual. He misses you terribly, though. He's doing great with his lessons, and he's started learning the guqin." Hearing that, Wei Wuxian smiled, though not without a hint of pain. It had been a while since he'd visited A-Yuan, and the guilt was eating him up.

No matter what Wangji said, he couldn't help but feel like he abandoned him somehow.

"You didn't have a choice," Lan Zhan whispered softly, his voice like lilting music to Wei Ying's ears. For a moment Wei Wuxian imagined it running through his mind, soothing it. Imagined fingers running through his hair, pulling him close. Stop it, he told himself. Stop thinking like this. It only made it worse, the growing uncertainty of what was between them. Soulmates, he'd said once. But over the years, he found himself growing more and more unsure, and more and more worried. What if Lan Zhan didn't feel the same way? What if he fell in love with someone else? The questions came in troves, but one thing was always the same. He loved Wangji, that much he knew. But sometimes the wanting hurts like hell. Not because of anything, but because he thought he was falling in love with the idea of something that would never happen. He knew he loved Lan Zhan, there was no question about it. The question was what would he do about it?

"You did what you could to save him. Don't blame yourself, Wei Ying. He doesn't hold it against you, either. He knows you didn't have a choice. You did what you could." Wangji felt like a broken recorder, but he couldn't help himself.

Not Wei Ying's fault. It hurt to see him feel so bad about things that were beyond his control, and that were not under his jurisdiction. He did his best. And however hard it was to hear, your best wasn't always enough to save a situation. But your best was your best, and that meant something. Means you've done enough and tried to do whatever you could.

But that's just it. If I didn't go chasing after ideals, didn't go around bothering with what people said...would this have ever happened? Wei Wuxian felt his fingers freeze just thinking about it, guilt crossing his eyes. Tonight, the moon was a grey sliver, its glow haunting his eyes.

"We both know that the Elders would have never let you live peacefully. And as for what people say...as long as we have each other and A-Yuan, who cares what people say?" Gilt eyes met with silver, burning with passion. If only I could touch you, Wangji thought. He wanted to thread his fingers through his and pull him close, let his fingers roam around him if only he'd let him.

If only they could.

"There are so many people on this Earth, if we care about what each and everybody thinks about us, we'd have wasted countless lifetimes caring."

A wistful smile crossed Wei Wuxian's features, the red of his ribbon casting a gash-like shadow on his face. I suppose you're right. There isn't much I can do now, anyway. He kicked his legs up, swinging them, the way he'd done so many years ago in Lotus Pier. It was times like this that made Wangji wish he'd taken up Wei Ying's offer to go with Jim to Lotus Pier, at least once.

How are you doing, anyway? With that, they slipped back into familiar conversation and banter, the moon casting a warm glow over both of them, encasing them in shadow and light. Though the idea weighed on Wei Ying, dragging him down.

But just before they were about to go, Wei Ying whispered, There is a way. But it's darker than both of us know. But if I ever disappear, just know one thing: it's likely someone's done the spell. The deities won't let me go so soon.