Kenopsia

-But I am only human-

(The song up top fits doesn't it?.... Oh how horrid I am....)

Screaming.

That's all I could do.

Screaming through the tears.

Screaming through the lack of breath.

Screaming through the pain.

I screamed even as I coughed droplets of blood hit the ground.

I was bent over, head in hands, hands tearing into my hair and screamed.

I screamed until I could no longer.

I woke up, feeling drained of everything, I had no strength to move or just exist currently.

My eyes burnt from the shed tears, my throat felt swollen, my head hurt from the grip I had had on it and I was so cold.

All I could do it watch the stillness of the horror in front of me.

And suddenly I had strength.

I didn't know where it came from but I uncurled myself and sat up.

I don't know why I suddenly got this strength but I stood up.

Despite my numb fingers, the type of painfully cold numbness that you get from cold, I grabbed the stool and stood it up.

I reached up, grasping at the rope.

I hoped off and left, coming back with an unused wooden book and stood the stool on that, finally climbing high enough to untie the rope.

I watched her body fall like the thing it was now.... A dead weight....

I hoped off and kneeled near her head.

There were no scratch marks on her neck.... People always said there would be marks when a victim realizes their mistake and tries to change their fate.... There was no other marks then the bruising left by the rope...

More tears fell from my eyes, intensifying the burning, it was unbearable but it was the only thing that made me feel alive.

I carefully freed her from the rope, laying her head down gently.

I took a shaky breath, wiping my nose on my sleeve, I know, disgusting but I don't care....

She was much lighter then my father.... 

I carried her out, uncaring the snow was falling again, the cold is the least of my worries currently....

The walk to the bridge.... Each of the three times.... Felt longer and longer.

I felt like the world was weighing on my shoulder when it was just her body on my back in a piggy back ride...

I walked to the still single grave-mark that would need to be joined by two more now, instead of just one.

I laid her on the railing, face so painful from the cold on my tears.

"Why?" My voice was hoarse and broken and yet I still felt like screaming.

I brushed the hair the wind blew in her face, wanting to see her.

"Why did you do this?" I asked the useless answer. "Hope wouldn't have wanted you to do this, I didn't want you to do this...." I muttered.

A soundless sob shook my shoulders as I dropped my head, forehead resting on her unmoving chest.

"I didn't save you so that you'd kill yourself.... I could have helped you.... Somehow.... Share your pain.... I lost my father dammit.... I lost Hope too, it was not only your pain, it was shared.... We could have been there for each other..... We could have helped each other..."

I lifted my head, tear stains on the mantel she was wearing.

I shook my head, eyes closed.

I shoved her off the railing, knowing I wouldn't have the strength otherwise.

I collapsed into the snow, my legs just refusing to obey.

I sobbed loudly as I heard the splash, laying on my side with my legs but my torso was aimed at the ground, arms crossed under my head forehead and cryings like that.

Why? Why, why, why? I could have helped, we could have helped each other... Why did you do this?

This is unfair.

THIS IS UNFAIR!!!!

I beat a fist against the ground.

"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!!?" I screamed through my broken voice. "Why.... Why did you leave my alone..... Why couldn't you stay for me? Why do I need to be alone... I don't want to be alone again.... Why?.... WHYYYYYYY?!!!"

I didn't even realize I had gotten home and how I did until I almost tripped on Whiskers.

I fell down, reaching for him but he ran in fear, also leaving me alone.

I grabbed my head again, laying on the padded floor of the office.

I kicked the door in behind me.... 

I laid there for a long time.

Eyes long zeroed in on the handgun resting near.

My finger tapping along the surface of it.

The cold metal feeling welcoming under my fingers.

If I just wrapped my hand around the handle.

I was sitting, looking at the barrel of the gun.

If I just aimed it up.

The metal tasted of dust in my mouth.

If I put the finger on the trigger.

I felt the pressure under my finger.

If I just.... Pulled the trigger.

But that part of my wish never became true.

I slowly pulled the barrel of it from the roof of my mouth, turning my hand as little.

This one was a revolver.... That's not how you use a revolver...

I did the movement my dad taught me, taking out one bullet.

I spun it and snapped it closed without looking at it.

If I die I'll see them again.

I put the barrel back in my mouth and too roof of it, this had a better chance to be fatal and I would die anything if it wasn't instantly.

If.... I live.... Then I live....

I took a deep breath.

Closed my eyes.

Click

I screamed in anger and threw the gun away, throwing myself down and hugging the remaining blankets in my face and screaming into them full force.