Kenopsia

-Lost-

"Mmmm...."

I blinked awake and sat up, hands on the ground behind me and leaning back on my arms.

"Hmm." I said looking around, what a mess...

I flopped back on my back, I spent a whole night out like this.... I guess the booze kept me warm, I remember the story of a man surviving the sinking of the Titanic and swimming through the freezing water without dying as there was just sooo much alcohol in his blood that it couldn't freeze.

I laid on my side and sat up, okay I take it back, the parts not already touching the ground are freezing when they do.

I got sitting on my ankles and looked around.

"I could have rolled into these." I picked up a shard of glass before throwing it over my shoulder with a sigh. "Not that I don't deserve it since I am part of humanity."

I passed a hand through my hair and stopped, pulling a strand down in front of my face. 

It took my a moment to focus my eyes on it, head pounding and feeling groggy. The hair that had once been quite short was the length of my finger.... Time flies.... 

I turned to the small radio and shook it, pressing the button to turn it on, doing the same with the phone but I know music was gone again... I don't know, there is something with music, something human, it entertains.... Do I really need to find a portable keyboard now? I only know the piano... I could learn, I have time and I don't care who the fuck hears.

I stood up and stumbled to the bin of water I had filled with disinfectant once and washed my arms and face off, not taking risks.

 I made my way to the door, around one of the five type-D husk's that had gotten in here and died again.

I finally got something on, a short sleeved graphic T-shirt, it was white and had a red Chinese dragon drawn on the front of it, I pulled on a thick turtleneck and brown pullover on it and then a black hoodie on top of that.

I walked back outside while pulling on the plastic gloves and a mask, I should be amused that I thought it was Covid that locked me in my apartment but honestly I feel flat, the glass spilt over, the camel with it's back broken from the mountain of straws.... I am so tired no matter how much I sleep.

"Why do I even live?" I flicked a lighter on and set fire to the clothes on the first body and soon the husk was burning.... Hmmm.... Highly flammable.... Good, easy to dispose of, I might burn the other bodies outside, they stink up everything even if I myself am a mess of dirt, dried snot at times or blood, corpses always attracts unwanted visitors of the animal kingdom.

I lit the next body.

"Why do I want to live so much? I just want to sleep and have this be over with... Jesus." I passed between the DIY pyres as all the five bodies were lit and I leaned my back against the wall before sliding down, sitting.

One of my legs was out and the other bent up with my arm out and elbows resting on it as my head was left hanging and resting on my shoulder, staring at the fire and at nothing at the same time.

"Why live?" I sighed and closed my eyes.

"God I hate you!!" I yelled at my father, one of our many fights since mom passed from cancer even if it was years ago. "I am fifteen!! Not a child!!"

"You will do what I tell you!!" He screamed at me, towering over me. Nervous sweat dripped down my back but I didn't let it show. "You will listen!!" He threw his arm up and I lifted mine to cover myself.

Nothing came.

Not even another shout.

I looked between my arms and I think for once I managed to truly strike my father where it hurts as I saw a look I never seen on his face since mom died and he had it now, staring at his hand.... Distress.

"Dad I..." I tried apologizing, we fight on everything but he never struck me no matter how hard it got so why did I feel so scared? He would not hurt me.... Even if at times I would deserve it...

"Shut up." I did as he hissed, I rubbing my arm, not looking at him.

"I...." I sighed, not knowing how to do this so I said nothing.

"Look I don't care, you are not going to that party."

"But why?! Nothing will happen!!"

"Something can always happen!! I seen those boys and girls you are friends with!! Not a good influence!! You could get kidnapped! Killed!"

"And?!" I yelled. "You'd get me out of your hair!! Able to start a new life!! I'll just walk away from your life!! Let me perish and be free!!!"

He grabbed me by my shoulders.

"I will not let, not on your mother's grave, you will leave if that's the last thing I tell you too!! You need to survive this world, you are not weak, you are strong!"

"But you can't control others and make them do what you want!"

"No but I can advise and hope something sticks to their stubborn mind. I know there is a drift, we both know, this chasm between us but don't feel like you need to go and do this to have us talk!!"

"Last time I left I only got lost and you never looked for me! I was ten!!!"

"Stupid child!! I did!! If anything happens stay in one fucking place!! You always watch those 'Lost in wilderness' series and what is their common mistake?! They all leave the area they were lost in!! Making the rescuers not find them!! You should know you should always stay in the same area if anything stuck from those stupid documentaries in your head! Find water because tr--" And I toned out the rest, did he actually watch them? Did he actually listened to my rants about them?

I scoffed to myself.

"I stayed in the same place...." I whispered. "So where are you?"