"What's up good lookin?" I take a seat beside Zayn on the step outside the house. Harry is in his room, Liam is in the kitchen, Louis is playing playstation in the living room and Niall is in the same room on his phone. I noticed that the two weren't engaging in conversation despite being metres away from one another.
It reminds me of a couple years ago. When they would ask to stay in the same accomodation instead of separate hotels. Now they would like anything other than to be in the same household. They don't hate each other, but they appreciate their own space.
The holiday where we all went to Hamilton Island in the end of 2013. That was our last group holiday with the five of them. It saddens me that it may not ever happen again. Those holidays are times I will never forget. It's where Harry and I first fell in love with each other.
It's sad it has come to this. I don't know if it is because they've got older, grown apart or because they have spent so much time together these past four and a half years, that they just want space.
When they're on stage, you'd have no idea they would be like this. But the second they get off stage, they don't sit around and have drinks together or go back to the hotel and watch a film. They disperse and have time to themselves.
"How'd you know I was out here?"
I look at his lap and being the nosey human I am, I see that he is writing something on the notes app. He slowly angles the phone away from me so I cannot see the screen. Whatever he is writing is personal and I respect that.
"I could see you from the balcony."
He looks up at the balcony and smiles to himself. Zayn leans into me, giving me a gentle nudge. "Stalker."
"Is this how it always is now?"
He locks his phone and places it on the pavement beside him. "What do you mean?" He squints one eye shut as the sun beams into his eyes. I hold up my hand to block the sun from his eyes. "A little to the left- yep, that's it. Thank you."
I laugh at him and hold my hand there. I can't guarantee it'll be for long because my arm is already starting to ache.
"Do you always keep your distance?"
"Usually we are in our own hotel rooms so we have excuses not to see each other. When we are in a home together, that's when it becomes more noticeable." Zayn shrugs his shoulders and holds his hands out to the side. Clearly I brought up an uncomfortable topic for him. "So to answer your question, yeah probably."
"That's really sad."
He sighs. "It is what it is, Hailey."
"I know. I just wish it wasn't like this."
"Your boyfriend smiled at me today."
I raise my eyebrows. "That's progress. Things are looking up from here."
Zayn shakes his head. "No, he only smiled because I tripped up the step."
"Oh, anybody would have laughed at that."
He rolls his dark brown eyes. Man I would kill to have his eyelashes. They're so long and thick. "Shut up."
The baby starts kicking my stomach and I adjust my body by leaning back and placing my hand on the ground behind me to support my weight. I place my other hand on my stomach and smile. I'll never get tired of this feeling. I still can't find words to describe it.
"Is she kicking?" Zayn asks me and I nod. "May I?"
"Yeah, go ahead." I move my hand away so he can place his hand on my stomach. His right hand hovers over my stomach for a moment as he is hesitant about touching my stomach. I grab his hand and place it over the spot where the movement is coming from.
"Oh my god" he smiles and leans forwards so he can keep his hand there comfortably. "This is incredible."
"I know right."
"Does it feel weird?"
I shake my head. "No, it feels comforting. I know somebody kicking you doesn't sound pleasant, but I love feeling her move. It's my only form of communication with her right now."
"The kicks are stronger than I had imagined."
"You've never felt a baby kick before?"
He shakes his head. "No, baby Styles is the first."
"Obviously I have to run it by Harry, but how would you feel about being her Godfather?" I keep thinking of the godparent's for our daughter. The female will be either Gemma or Rachel but the godfather is something I haven't been as sure of. Zayn's name keeps popping into my head though. He would be my first choice as the godfather of our baby girl.
Zayn's eyes widen and he stares at me blankly for a moment before looking back at my stomach. "Shit, I don't know Hailey. That's huge."
"You were the first person that came to mind."
He smiles at me with so much light in his eyes. He looks genuinely happy to hear that. I haven't seen him look this way in months.
"Does that mean I have to change nappies and stuff?"
I laugh. "Only the shitty one's."
He shakes his head in disagreement. "That can be Harry's job."
"Please tell him that."
"I appreciate you asking me that Hailey, you have no idea how much that means to me. I just don't know if I'd be good enough. This little girl is so special and I don't think I'm good enough. I always fuck shit up."
I shake my head. "No you don't."
He scoffs. "I do."
"Why do you think you would stuff her up?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know. Knowing me I would miss her first birthday because I'm having a fucking mental breakdown or something fucked up along those lines."
I place my hand on top of his. "Zayn, being her godfather isn't going to put pressure on you. Yeah, I would love for you to be there on her first birthday and I would love for you to see her grow up because I think you would be a great role model for her. But I don't want you to feel like there are expectations you need to live up to."
"How am I a great role model? I am covered in tattoos, smoke, am high half the time, I drink a lot and I'm a depressed son of a bitch."
"You have always been so good to your sisters. You've been a fatherly figure for them. You wanted to become a professional singer to earn enough money so that you could buy your family a home. Your heart is so big, you have no idea how much love is inside of it. You give the best advice. Whenever I have felt down, you will do everything in your power to cheer me up. You have always been there for me, no matter what. You have so much kindness in you, you just don't see it. You always see the good in people and you are a person I want to be around. I want my daughter to experience what I have experienced with you. Your kindness is so pure."
Zayn opens his arms and I lean into him whilst he hugs me. "I love you Hailey, you're a very special person to me."
"I love you too, never forget that."
"Can I show you something?"
We end our embrace and I lean away from him. "Yeah, what is it?"
He stands up and holds his hands out to me. "Are you able to come for a walk?"
"Yes Zayn, I'm pregnant, not paraplegic."
"Okay, good."
I take his hands and he pulls me up, trying to hide the fact that he is slightly struggling.
"That's a struggle now, wait until I'm full term. I already feel like a fat sloth."
"You're not fat, you're small as."
I laugh at him and place my hand on his shoulder. "See what I mean about being kind. You're a terrible liar, Z."
"My mother told me never to call a pregnant woman big." That's exactly what Harry said to me yesterday.
"Well I'll say it for the both of us. I'm fucking big."
He bites down on his lip to stop himself from laughing at me. "Come on, let's walk."
We walk out the back gate and walk along the lake which is at the back of the house. We are silent as we walk along the grass which is a few metres away from the man made lake. I am slightly nervous because whatever Zayn is going to show me, needs to be done away from the house where the others or more specifically, where Harry is.
"You're not planning on pushing me in the lake, are you? Because I'll have you know, I'm a great swimmer."
"No I'm not. Whilst you are a great swimmer, I cannot swim."
"So don't tell me that you're leaving the band again or I'll push you in the lake." I say sarcastically but instantly regret it because that is not something I should be joking about. The main reason being, Zayn could quite frankly be about to tell me that he is leaving the band for good this time.
"Not quite."
Thank god. Relief washes through me.
We walk over to the small wooden platform that is build above the water. Zayn helps me sit down and we sit with our legs hanging over the edge. Despite this being a man made lake, I can't help but be frightened that a shark is going to jump out of the water and eat me. I'm going to become a mother in a few months and I still fear this stuff. Lord help my child if they think there's monsters under the bed. If Harry's not around, I'll probably pack our things and stay the night at my parent's place.
Zayn pulls out his phone and goes back onto the notes app. This is what he was working on before I interrupted him. Zayn hands his phone to me and I hold it tightly, fearful that I'll drop it into the lake.
The first words that are written in bold.
Good Years.
I'd rather be anywhere
Anywhere but here
I'd rather be anywhere
Anywhere but here
I look over at Zayn and he is looking ahead at the water. I stare at him for a moment longer, waiting for him to look at me but he purposely avoids my gaze so I continue reading.
I close my eyes and see a crowd of a thousand tears
I pray to God I didn't waste all my good years
All my good years
All my good years
The voices screaming loud as hell
We don't care 'bout no one else
Nothing in the world could bring us down
Now we're so high among the stars without a worry
And neither one, one of us wants to say we're sorry
Holy shit, this is heartbreaking. I can't guarantee I'll be able to finish reading the lyrics to this song without crying by the time I get to the end.
Repeat Chorus.
Too much drugs and alcohol
What the hell were we fighting for?
'Cause now the whole damn world will know
That we're too numb and just too dumb to change the story
Neither one, one of us wants to say we're sorry
Could that part be about Harry? Or about the entire band in general? It makes sense if it is about he and Harry. Their relationship has the most strain out of them all and I feel like I am to blame. There was already so much tension and everything got worse when Zayn told me he wanted to leave the band and I kept it a secret from Harry.
Repeat Chorus.
Need a chance just to breathe, feel alive
And when the day meets the night, show me the light
Feel the wind and the fire hold the pain deep inside
It's in my eyes
In my eyes
I read over the chorus once more, really taking in what he is saying. Zayn is worried that he wasted his teenage years and early twenties whilst being in this band. I thought these were the best years of his life. So much has happened. Five years ago they were all in completely different places. I feel so sad for Zayn that he feels this way.
The worst part is, there's nothing I can do to help him. I can't change the way he feels. I've tried to, but I failed. He told me he would stay in the band, but I'm not so sure of that anymore. How long can he keep fighting this for, before giving in and finally leaving?
I don't want him to leave.
"I don't know what to say" I say honestly and hold the phone out to him. He takes it from me, still refusing to look at me. He kicks his legs as they dangle over the edge. "I'm just sorry you feel that way. I never thought these years scarred you that badly."
He slowly nods his head. "That's the way I feel. I've felt that way ever since I can remember."
"But it wasn't always bad. Even two years ago, sure things got hard at times but you told me how much you loved doing what you were doing and you didn't want to do anything else."
"I was lying to you and to myself. The truth has always been that I was miserable. Ever since the beginning."
"No, you don't mean that."
"I fucking hate it Hailey. I hate my life. Every morning I wake up and fucking wish I was somewhere else, someone else."
"Oh my god, Zayn." I hug him from the side. "Is there anything I can do?"
"No. The only thing that can help me is to fucking leave."
I don't want to stop hugging him. I want to keep hugging him to let him know that I'm here for him. I want to keep hugging him until all the pain is gone from his body and he is happy again. But that's impossible. His feelings are too strong. His hope is too far gone. There's no coming back from this.
"Are you going to leave the band?"
"I'm not going to answer that because I know this time you won't keep it a secret from Harry."
He's right and I appreciate him not putting me in that position. But I still feel like shit because even with baby brain, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that he's going to leave.
Zayn is going to quit One Direction.
The question is, when?