forelsket | alec lightwood

30

Water.

That was all I saw when I was back at Lake Lyn.

Except, I couldn't save myself this time.

I was as deep as I was before, the familiar surroundings engraved in my mind.

My lungs were closing up with the lack of oxygen that was going to them, and the minute I couldn't hold my breath any longer, I could feel myself choke on the water, the familiar feeling engraved in my body.

My legs and arms moved around quickly as I tried my best to swim up to the surface, except no matter how hard I tried, I didn't move from the spot I was in.

Then, for some reason I saw Alec, and he was smiling.

But, he disappeared, vanished into nothing in the water I was so desperately trying to swim ashore in.

I froze, bubbles leaving my mouth as my vision became blurry, watching as Isabelle, Jace, Clary, Magnus, even my mother- anyone I had ever loved or cared about slowly vanished right after Alec.

I then saw myself.

It was like I was looking at a mirror.

I was alone.

"No!" The scream I let out muffled due to being underwater, trying harder and harder to reach the surface.

Except everything I had just saw kept repeating, and I ended up staring at myself every single time.

I was losing everyone and everything, and I was left, drowning repetitively, trapped with no way up to the surface.

I felt a strong intensifying fear and pain in my chest with every flash, as it felt more real and real by the second, another scream leaving my lips, "Alec-"

"Zee!" Alec's voice tears me away from the nightmare, feeling a jerk at my body, his large hands on my arms, "Wake up!"

I threw myself up into a sitting position, covered in a sheet of sweat, breathing heavily, my hair a mess, my head snapping towards him, my eyes wide with fear.

Alec was already seated up, his hair was sticking up in all different kinds of directions due to being woken, his eyes now alert and concerned as he stared at me with them, masking the exhaustion from the day before.

It was still dark outside and the only light that shone in the room was the moonlight.

"Come here-" Alec pulled me into his bare chest, holding me, rubbing my back to calm me down, "You're burning up-"

"You're okay- you're here- you're-" I couldn't catch my breath, holding onto him as tightly as I could, tears filling my eyes.

I don't think I'd ever been this scared.

"I'm fine-" Alec rubbed my back, holding me as long as I wanted him to, trying to talk me down, "It was all just a dream."

Then I notice the small clock on his nightstand that read 3:02 am.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry-" I pulled away, guilt washing over me as I thought about how tired he was, "I woke you up- I'm fine- just, go back to sleep-"

"Zee, stop, it's okay-" Alec stops me, "What happened- are you all right?"

I sigh, running a hand through my hair, "I was- back at Lake Lyn. I was drowning and then I saw you- and Izzy- and Jace- just everyone I've ever loved, vanish into the water like nothing was ever there and I was alone, staring at my own reflection. And it happened, again, and again- and again-"

"Hey," Alec grabs my hand, "Everything's all right now."

I stare at our hands, "I can't get what happened at Lake Lyn out of my head, Alec- I don't know what it is."

"I guess we can cross that off the honeymoon list?" Alec's words made me look up and smile.

"As much as I'd love to talk about our insubstantial upcoming engagement, we have a serious crisis at our hands." I grabbed his other hand and held both, "My brother's alive- somewhere out there, Jonathan exists."

"I understand that it's a lot to process." Alec caresses my hand with his thumb.

I looked at Alec, "He was a child."

"With demon blood." Alec added right away.

"How does that make him any different than me?" I asked, not letting go of his hands, "I once had demon blood- and I was raised by Valentine. Just like him."

"Except, you have the purest heart even for someone who was raised and manipulated by a monster." Alec squeezes my hands, "You get that from your mother."

I stare at him, a small smile forming on my lips, "You know- my mom loved you."

Alec softly smiled, "Really?"

"Yeah, she's liked you since the wedding." I looked down, reminiscing about the conversation I had with my mother before she died, "She said that you're good for me and she likes how I am around you."

Alec lets go of one of my hands and wraps his arm around me, rubbing my arm in comfort.

I missed her so much.

And that's why I couldn't let whatever family I had left fall under Valentine's control.

"I'm sorry that I keep mentioning Jonathan, but-" I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh in insecurity, "If he's out there, I want to find him."

Alec leans his cheek against my head, "We will, don't worry."

"Wait-" I realize something, "The box."

Alec looks down at me, "What?"

"The box!-" I slipped away from his suddenly, rushing towards the door.

"Zee, you have nothing but my shirt on!" Alec calls out after me, as I put my hair behind my ears.

"I don't care!" I shot back at him and ran out of the room, feeling a cool breeze suddenly hit my bare legs as I ran down the hall, quietly entering Clary's room and grabbing the box out of her drawer.

I leave the room as quietly as possible and rushed back into Alec's room, shutting the door behind me, "Do you remember this?"

"The keepsakes from when Jonathan was a baby." I plopped onto the bed, looking at him.

Alec realizes where I'm getting at, "We can use what's inside to track him."

"Yeah-" I open the box, only to see nothing, "Looks like somebody beat us to it."

-

"The Clave is very impressed with your progress." Alec stood tall in his office next to me later that day, staring down at Max, his hands behind his back, "They think you're ready for your first mission."

I was dressed in high wasted mom jeans instead of skinny jeans today, a grey t shirt tucked into them, a black leather jacket and black combat boots on my feet.

I ran a hand through my straightened hair and crouched in front of him, "What do you think, kiddo?"

"I've been ready since the day I got here." Max smiled widely, then looks at me, "Actually, you think you can go over the runes with me one more time?"

I smiled widely at the boy, a laugh slipping through my teeth, "Max, I still think that fire you started was on purpose- which means, you don't need my help."

"I told you guys, I was trying to draw a Nourishment rune!" Max was defensive, which only made me laugh more.

"Maybe another time, okay?" The smile on my face remained, "I suggest you get to training."

"Zee's right." Alec had a smile on his face after watching Max and I, "You know how much our sister hates tardiness."

Max nodded in excitement, walking towards the door as Jace and Clary walked in.

I stood up, "Any sign of Jonathan?"

"No." Jace held the box I gave him earlier today, "We tracked the box itself, but- it was a dead end."

We all looked at Max who was eagerly trying to listen in on our conversation, but when he sees us noticing, he sighs and leaves the room.

Alec eyes the box of them, "So- Valentine sent Duncan to steal a pair of baby booties?"

"Someone did." Jace said, "Someone who wanted to circumvent us from tracking Jonathan."

"And now we have no leads on either of them." Clary sighs deeply, "We've got nothing."

"Actually, we have less than nothing." I clear my throat and looked at Alec, gesturing my head towards Jace and Clary.

"There's something you should know." Alec exhales deeply and looks at them, "The Clave doesn't have the Soul Sword- they never did."

Clary asks, "So- the Clave has been lying this entire time?"

"Are you shocked?" I questioned, crossing my arms, "The Clave sucks."

"The Clave is trying to prevent an uprising." Alec glances at me, "If the Downworld finds out that we don't have the Soul Sword, there would be total chaos."

"But- the sword's been deactivated." Clary reminded us, "It can't be used on Downworlders."

"Not in the way Valentine used it before, no." I inhale sharply, "But- it's still a Mortal Instrument."

Jace looks at her, filling her in, "If you combine it with the other two Mortal Instruments- The Cup and The Mirror, he could use it to raise the Angel Raziel."

Clary looked almost shocked, "I thought that was just legend."

"Well, as this smart, beautiful, wise, amazing, wonderful woman once said." I dramatically said in sarcasm, quoting myself, raising my eyebrow at her in pure humor, "All the legends are true."

"Well, as extraordinary as this woman is," Alec wraps an arm around me and pulls me into his side, "She fails to include one thing, that is The Angel will grant him one wish- anything he wants."

I cross my arms, falling back serious, "The end of the Downworld as we know it."

-

I walked over to Alec's office later that night, standing in the door frame, noticing him invested in something on the tablet he stared at, involving work.

My hair remained straight and I was changed out of of what I had on earlier, deep red midi dress with a cami strap, that ended right at my knees, nude heels on my feet.

I knocked on the door, placing a hand on my hip, "Lost track of time, hun?"

Alec looks up from the tablet, his eyes scanning my desk, guilt crossing his expression as he had just remembered, "I missed dinner, didn't I?"

I gave him a soft smile, shrugging as I walked inside, "I'd say only by a few hours."

"I'm- I'm so sorry." Alec exhales deeply, getting up and walking over to me, grabbing my face and pressing his lips into mine for a moment, "I just- it's been so crazy here-"

"I get it." The smile remained on my face, my eyes lingering with his, forgiving him. I wasn't upset to begin with, I knew he was busy.

Alec swallows, still filled with guilt and regret, "I can't believe I forgot."

"Alec, it's okay!" I squeezed his hands lightly in comfort and slipped away from him, "I came prepared."

Alec's eyes squint in suspicion, "Prepared?"

"I know for a fact you haven't left your office all day-" I bend over and grabbed the huge paper bag, the bottle of champagne and two glasses, placing a rose in between my teeth that went perfectly with my dress just for fun, standing up straight and posing with a smile, holding back a laugh.

A smile formed on his lips immediately, as he pulled out his phone, signaling for me to hold the pose as he snapped a photo of me.

Alec smiles down at the photo and places his phone back into his pocket, taking the rose out of my mouth, grabbing the things the glasses and champagne from me, giving me another small kiss, "You're the best."

"I know right?" I laughed lightly, closing the door behind me and walking over to his desk, "I got you the noodles you like so much-"

I sat on an empty space on his desk, facing his chair as he sat in it once more, moving his tablet to the side as I placed the container in front of him, "There's chicken too-"

Alec watched me in admiration, "How did I get so lucky?"

"You kissed me at your wedding, and I realized that I needed to marry you like- immediately." I opened up the container on my lap and twirled the noodles with the fork I held, "Unfortunately, we haven't gotten around to that yet."

Alec bit down on his bottom lip as if the widest smile stretched on his lips could get wider, running a hand through his hair, his container of food, then pouring us both a glass of champagne.

I kicked off my heels, groaning in relief, "I think my feet hurt less when I'm chasing after demons."

Alec grabs me by my ankles and rests my feet on his lap, using one hand to massage them, the other scrolling through the tablet.

My heart filled with warmth, as I set down my food before I even bit into it and forked up some of him, putting my hand behind his head, leaning and feeding him his food.

"You know- I think I'm gonna tell Magnus." I chewed on a piece of chicken, putting a strand of hair behind my ear, "About the Soul Sword."

Alec looks up at me, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." I fed him another bite, "I mean, we've already told Clary, Jace, and Isabelle- I just- I don't want him to find out from someone else, ya know?"

Alec gives a peck on my lips, "Whatever you decide."

-

"After Elliot opened his own shop we lost touch." Clary said as we walked through the hall a little while later, "But- when I was little, Elliot was one of my mom's best friends."

Dot reminisced, "He introduced me to Jocelyn."

"And now you're concerned he's in trouble." Alec gathers what Dot had told us as we walked into his office, Clary, Jace and Dot right behind us.

Clary mentioned as we all came to a stop, "The mark on Dot's arm is part of a protection spell."

"It's a sigil." Dot explained, "It only transfers to another warlock if something terrible has happened."

I place my hands in my pockets of my leather jacket, "Whatever he's guarding must be pretty important."

Clary sighs, "It's the Mortal Mirror."

Jace blinks, "Jocelyn had it?"

"I know it's crazy- the Mirror and the Cup." Clary exhales deeply, "I guess my mom knew Elliot would do anything to keep it safe. As a warlock, he could protect it better than anyone, right? So, she entrusted him with its location."

Dot looks between us, "And Elliot entrusted it to me."

Alec looked at her, "So- you know the current location of the Mortal Mirror?"

"Sort of." Dot exhales deeply and shows us the mark on her wrist, "These lines coordinate to specific Ley lines in the city- I can figure it out, but it'll take some time."

"We have maps of all the Ley lines." Alec told her, "We can help you."

"And we can protect you from Jonathan and Valentine." I add in, "You're not safe anymore."

"Zee's right." Jace agreed with me, "With those marks on your wrist, it's only a matter of time before they come after you."

When Dot nods, I put my hair behind my ears, "All, right- I'll go to Elliot's shop- check it out, see what happened."

Jace pats my back, "I'll come with you."

I gathered my hair up, pulling off the hair tie off my wrist and tying it up into a pony tail, "Cool-"

"Hey-" Alec stops me when I turned to leave, "Be careful, okay?"

"I love you." I sincerely said, pecking his lips before leaving with Jace.

-

I walked into Elliot's shop, Jace following right after me. I had wore a belt sheath, my kindjals resting in them, my hands prepared to reach back and grab them even if I'm used to my thigh sheaths.

Jace looked around, "Did you know Elliot?"

"I did- I knew him through Jocelyn before I left my mundane life-" I inched further into the shop, "Clary might've lost touch with him, but my mother and him because good friends- and I would sit here in his shop sometimes with my mother and sketch. I would always be frustrated that I wasn't very good- but, he told me that I had potential- that, my art was something he knew would progress and become- extraordinary."

Jace stops and looks at me, "Well- he wasn't wrong."

I shrugged lightly and observed our surroundings, eyeing how things were knocked over and the glass was shattered.

Then my eyes fell onto a dead Elliot, "Oh, man."

"You see these marks?" Jace looked at the ground, "A demon was here."

"Elliot." I crouched in front of him, staring at what had become of the man that watched me grow up, "He was tortured-"

"This isn't murder." Jace observes, "He killed himself."

I closed Elliot's eyes and looked back at him, "How can you tell?"

"The blood from his eyes, I've seen it before." Jace said, "It's a warlock incantation- it's basically their version of a cyanide capsule."

"Right, yeah." I sigh deeply, standing up straight, staring down at Elliot.

Jace's sympathized voice sounded, "I'm sorry."

The sound of glass crunching and someone's footsteps getting closer made me grabs my kindjals in a quick movement and whip around in defense.

Jace was armed with his seraph blade, as we prepared for what was coming, except the familiar blond British boy walks in, "Hi-"

Jace let his guard down, "Hey-"

"Sebastian?" I slowly let my guard down and placed my kindjals back into the sheaths, "What are you doing here?"

"I, uh- I saw the alert at the Institute." Sebastian stammers, "Is everything under control?"

"We're still not 100 percent sure what happened." Jace honestly said, "There was a demon presence here, but something doesn't add up."

"Jace." I looked around repeatedly, not paying much attention to their conversation, thoughts running through my mind, "The demon- was Jonathan."

Jace's eyes squint in confusion, "How do you know that?"

"It only makes sense-" I was putting everything together, crouching onto the ground, looking at the ichor trail on the ground, "Valentine wants the three Mortal Instruments, and Jonathan is alive."

"Just put two and two together, Jonathan is working with Valentine." I stood up slowly, my eyes wide with thought, "The Grey demon ichor, that's how Valentine described the aftermath of Jonathan's childhood kills- Jace, this was Jonathan."

That was probably where Valentine went when Duncan hijacked the portal. To Jonathan.

Sebastian clears his throat, but he looked nervous, "Sorry, who's, uh- who's Jonathan?"

"My brother- half, if you want to get technical." I placed my hands on my hips, "Jonathan came here to find the Mortal Mirror and when Elliot wouldn't give up its location, he got tired of the torture and killed himself."

Jace sighs deeply, "If he comes after it again, I'm gonna have to deal with him."

I tilted my head as I looked at him, "And what's that supposed to mean, tough guy?"

Jace looks at me, taken back, "It means I'm gonna do anything in my power to protect the mirror."

I stared at him, "You'll kill him?"

"If that's what it takes." Jace shot back, "Listen, you just said he was working with Valentine-"

"I was speaking theoretically!" I shot right back at him, "We don't know if he's working with Valentine or he's being forced under Valentine's influence."

"Yeah, Zee's got a point." Sebastian cuts into the argument, reminding me he was still here, "I mean, what if Valentine's forcing him to do his bidding?"

"Yeah, ok, look-" Jace didn't even glance at him, "I know exactly what it's like to be manipulated by Valentine- probably better than anyone."

I cross my arms, "Do you wanna try that again or do I have to spell out the fact that we were raised together by the same man- then we were both held against our will on his ship?"

"Fine, we." Jace corrects himself, "Zee, you read those journals- Jonathan Morgenstern is a demon-blooded monster who is responsible for the death of your friend- an innocent warlock."

I stepped closer to him, staring at him in the eye, directly in front of him, "Remember what Valentine made you do?"

Jace's expression twists in slight anger, "I don't have demon blood."

"Well, I did!" I raised my voice in anger, my voice breaking due to how hard this hit, feeling small tears in my eyes, "And it ruined me."

This makes Jace go quiet, and I could see the flash of guilt and regret in his eyes for pushing this argument.

"You have no idea how it feels to be demon blooded because you never had it- even when we thought you did." I said through gritted teeth, my eyes holding a glossy coat over them, Sebastian's stare burning into me as I kept my eyes locked with Jace's, "It ruined my relationship- it made me want to kill anything- anyone at the mere sight of them. I almost killed the man that I love- twice."

Jace opens and closes his mouth, "I didn't think of it that way-"

"Valentine has manipulated us both- probably more than anyone we've known." I scoff in defeat, "What if Jonathan is just his latest victim?"

Jace shook his head at this, "We don't have any facts."

"And until we do, no one is getting killed, that is final." I was stern, walking past them and out of the shop.

-

"Any luck?" Alec's voice filled my ears as Jace, Sebastian and I inched closer to his office.

"I'm getting closer to narrowing down the location." Dot replied, her voice distant like his was.

Alec clears his throat, "You understand that once you retrieve the mirror, it becomes property of the Clave?"

"You think I want anything to do with this?" Dot shot back at him, "The only thing I care about is stopping Valentine."

Alec stammers, "No, I- I didn't mean to-"

"I'm sorry, but I've lost whatever faith in the Clave I had left." Dot said to him, "So when I retrieve the mirror, it becomes property of Zee Young."

This catches me slightly off guard, simmering down the anger that was boiling in me.

"She's one of the only people that I trust, and I know she can protect it." Dot continued, "She can do what she wants with it."

I walked into his office, Jace and Sebastian right behind me, "Well, don't I feel special?"

Alec was pleased with what Dot wanted, "Fair enough."

"We've had too many security breaches recently." Alec added in, "So- I'm limiting your escort to Zee, Jace, Clary and I, you'll be safer that way."

Dot nods in agreement, "Thanks-"

"We have an update." I walked over to Alec, slipping off my leather jacket and tossing it on a chair, sitting on the arm of the couch, "The person that came after Elliot being after the Mortal Mirror is Jonathan."

Alec looks at me, "Jonathan?"

"Yes, Jonathan." I nod, sighing deeply, "My brother."

"Sebastian." Alec looks at the blond boy that was eyeing everyone as if he was trying to get as much information as possible, "Thanks, but we're good here."

Sebastian looks at him, "If I can be of any assistance, I'd be happy to help."

"Thank you." Alec thanked but denied, "But- we've got it covered."

"Sure." Sebastian almost sighed and left the room.

-

We had figured out the location of the Mortal Mirror and in a few minutes, Clary, Jace, Alec, Dot and I will be heading there on mission.

I pulled the hair tie out of my hair, letting the straight strands fall out of place, when there was a knock at my door.

I walked over, swinging open my bedroom door while shaking my hands through my hair, The the strands falling into their places, "Sebastian?"

Sebastian clears his throat, "Uh, hi-"

"I'm sorry, I'm heading out on a mission in a few minutes." I turned away and fixed my hair, grabbing my leather jacket off my bed, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Sebastian steps into my bedroom, "I actually- I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

I looked at him, "I'm fine."

"Look, I saw how upset you were today." Sebastian clears his throat, "I'm really sorry about your friend."

I go silent and place my hair tie where I kept the ones I hadn't lost, slipping on my jacket.

Sebastian watches me, "But- that's not what you're upset about?"

"I once had demon blood coursing through my veins, Sebastian." I stood in front of him and sighed, "I know what it does to you- and Jace is just treating Jonathan like he's some lost cause because of who he was raised by and what blood he has, and if I say anything to Alec- I mean, he might agree with him because he's the Head- it's his duty."

Sebastian's eyes lingered with mine desperately, "What do you think?"

"Jonathan and I- we're practically the same, but- not entirely." I inhale sharply, "I mean, we've both had demon blood and we were both raised by a monster- I don't know, I just- he's family. I don't want to give up on my family- I mean, it's stupid, right?-"

"Oh, no- no!" Sebastian immediately said, what looked like adoration and relief shining in his eyes as he looked at me, "God, it's not stupid at all!"

"And if there's any humanity left in him, shouldn't we at least try to save him?" I reasoned, putting my hair behind my ears and sighing.

"I think so." Sebastian admits quietly, his eyes lingering with mine as he took a step closer.

I shot him a small smile at him agreeing with me, then began to turn when he grabs my face, turns me back towards him and connects our lips.

I stumble back in surprise, my eyes wide, "Sebastian!"

"I'm sorry." Sebastian instantly shot out an apology when he realized he crossed a line, "That was stupid."

I stammer, "No- it's just, I'm with-"

"No, no, look, I- I get it." Sebastian cuts me off, "I just want you to know that I will I'll always be there for you, Zee. Whatever you need."

Before I could reply, Sebastian left me alone in my doorway, standing shocked.

Moments later, Alec walks towards me down the hall, "Hey, you ready?"

I shriek and jump when I see him; startled.

What great timing, am I right?

"I didn't mean to scare you-" Alec slowly stopped in front me, confused, "Are you okay?"

I clear my throat, "I'm fine- yeah, why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Because you seem anxious." Alec's eyes scan my face, "Did something happen?"

"Uh- yes." I was honest with him and brought him into my room, closing the door behind me, "I need to tell you something, actually."

"Okay?" Alec was confused but curious.

"Before I say anything-" I emphasized and pressed my palms together, "Promise me you won't kick his ass."

Alec suddenly was serious, crossing his arms, "No promises."

I cross my arms as well, "Fine, I won't say anything."

Alec slightly rolls his eyes, "Fine, I promise- what is it?"

"Sebastian." I trail off, "-just kissed me, but- I pushed him away- like right away."

Alec stares at me, completely silent, making nervousness rise in my chest as I awaited a reaction.

Then suddenly he catches me off guard and walks toward my door, "I'll kill him-"

"Alec!" I ran after him and leaned onto his back, "You promised!"

"I promised I wouldn't kick his ass, not that I wouldn't kill him-" Alec kept walking towards my door.

I held onto him as tight as I could, "Alec, please!"

Alec sighs and stops, but I wouldn't let go until I was sure, "He realized what he did was wrong and apologized- all that matters is that I pulled away right away and I made it clear that I was with you."

Alec understood this, slowly nodding, "You're right."

"I'm always right." I slipped off his back.

-

"Let's get this over with." I said right as we got out of the portal, armed and ready as Dot began walking, following the navigation in her head, "I don't want to run into Jonathan."

Jace clears his throat, "You know, Zee, what I said earlier, about Jonathan-"

I inhale sharply, "If you're about to apologize, there's no point-"

"Good, 'cause I'm not apologizing." Jace shot back at me, this making the anger in my blood boil.

I looked at him with a glare, "Jace."

Jace stops and looks at me, "He's working with Valentine and has demon blood."

I stop as well, staring up at him, "You don't know that for sure!"

Jace and I arguing makes Alec and Clary stop as well as Dot went ahead.

Alec looks between us, "Am I missing something here?"

Clary was also as confused as Alec looked, "What's going on?"

"Jace thinks that Jonathan is a lost cause because he had demon blood and is working with Valentine." I looked at my boyfriend, "I think that we don't know the full story and we should try and save him."

Alec opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it, pointing at him, clearly very anger, "If you're not on my side, I'm going to kick your ass."

Clary looks at me, "I'm with you on that one."

"Thank you." I gestured to her, then stared at Alec.

"Hey-" Alec grabbed my hand, "I think you're right."

"Thank you!" I looked at Jace with wide eyes, showing that he was outnumbered, "I'm right!"

"Look, if any of you are ever in any danger that he's causing, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep you safe." Jace sighs deeply, staring right at me, "If that means Jonathan has to die, so be it."

"Zee!" Dot's voice breaks us all away from the agreement, "The Ley Line intersection's close."

"Come on-" Clary calls out as we all ran over to where she stood, Dot inching towards the statue.

"It's here." Dot walked closer to the statue.

I looked around, "Do you see something?"

Dot breathes heavily in astonishment as her hand stood out, a pocket opening in the sky as she reached in a slowly pulled it out.

"That's it, isn't it?" Clary watched with wide eyes as Dot slowly handed it to me, "That's the Mortal Mirror."

Alec nods immediately, "Okay, let's go-"

"Yeah-" Jace nods in agreement, "Before-"

His sentence was cut off when there was heavy breathing and he flew back with a grunt, hitting the ground, followed by Alec and Clary.

Jace was out cold, Alec was groaning in pain, along with Clary, everyone scattered.

Dot's eyes widen, when I spun around to face who had done this, "Zee-"

Then, she was thrown onto the side, hitting the ground as well.

I stared at what was in front of me- who, was in front of me. It was a demon, but none like I'd ever seen before.

This looked like a human, except all it's flesh was burned, and his breathing was heavy as the demon stepped closer to me.

My grip was tight on the mirror as I stared at it, not moving, watching as the demon inched closer to me.

But, the demon never made a move on me.

He'd thrown everyone to the side, but me.

Then, Alec's pain filled voice filled my ears as my eyes fell on him trying to get up, "Zee, run-"

Then, the demon disappeared from in front of me and had a sword to Alec's neck.

"No!" I cried out into the cold night, jumping off the higher platform at high velocity, jerking to a stop a few feet away, afraid that if I moved closer Alec could die, "Don't!"

The demon froze and looked at me.

I stepped closer, "Jonathan?"

Then his black eyes slowly faded into human eyes.

It was him.

"You don't want to hurt me, right?" I used the fact that he didn't touch me to my advantage, "You took everyone out- but me. Except that won't matter because if you hurt Alec, that's exactly what you'll be doing."

Jonathan stares at me, his eyes locked with mine, not moving, his complete attention on me.

"You're my brother, and I believe in you, Jonathan." I inched closer slowly, holding the mirror as tight as I could, "Somewhere in there- there has to be some good, right?"

"This is what you came for, isn't it?" I held up the mirror, "You can take this and go."

Clary's eyes were wide, about to speak but I continued, "Or you can come with us and we can help you."

"Whatever Valentine's told you, they're all lies- all he has ever done is lie to us." I was angry at the thought of our father, "To Clary- Jace- you, and I- but, Jace and I found the good in our hearts despite who raised us so- why can't you?"

"Whatever happened in the past, whatever you've done, it doesn't matter- not to me, you're family, and I won't give up on you." I stepped closer, "We can make it right, together- I just- I need you to trust me."

Jonathan took a step back from Alec, when a blast came from behind me, knocking him off his feet.

I looked back at Dot when I see her up, "What're you doing? I was-"

"Take the mirror and go, Zee!" Dot opens a portal as a suddenly conscious Jace got up, Clary and Alec forcing themselves up as well.

Clary looks at her, "Not without you-"

"It's the only way to protect the mirror." Dot wasn't coming with us, "Go!"

My eyes went wide, "Wait-"

Then, I was pulled into the portal by Alec.

-

I sat only on the ground in my room a little while after we had gotten back from the mission.

I stared at the box that sat in front of me.

A box of my mother's things.

I had gotten through to Jonathan. I knew I did.

But, before anything could happen, Dot caught us all off guard and we were back at the Institute before I could even process whatever happened.

After that, I felt some sort of emptiness.

Like, I had tried and almost succeeded, and it weighed down on me.

Maybe, if he came with us, we could've helped him, saved him even.

The guilt in my chest brought me to finally look through the box of my mother's things.

I needed her right now, even if she wasn't here.

I always needed her.

I pulled the cardboard box towards me and looked into it, looking through it.

My hand glazed over the fabric of my favorite sweater on her, it was one I would borrow the most.

Despite me borrowing it, I thought it made her look even more beautiful than she was. This sweater brought out the color in her eyes.

Then, my hand touched a cool chain, my eyes landing on a necklace I had given her when I was younger.

I saved up all my allowances to give that to her.

Then, my hand touched the leather of a journal.

I slowly picked it up, opening the book, my eyes scanning the words of the first page.

She always wrote about everything.

I never wanted to invade her privacy, but now my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to see what she thought.

I flipped to the last entry.

It was the day she died.

My heart dropped to the deepest pit of my stomach when my finger touched the dried black ink.

But, my heart didn't drop because of what day her last entry was written, it was what was written on that day.

Jonathan is my son.

We all thought he was Jocelyn's child, but no, no he was mine.

Valentine Morgenstern was even sicker than I thought he was- than we all thought. That man stole a child from me. Twice.

I didn't know why I was so determined to get Zee back when he kidnapped her when she was born. I knew that I needed to get my girl back, but there was an emptiness in me, a pitch black darkness in my mind.

The darkness only appeared whenever I thought about it. I didn't know what to do with that darkness, what it was.

Now, I know why I was so invested in getting my daughter back. Not only because I loved her with my entire being but because Valentine took my son and hid him from me for years.

I didn't know about this, I just found out. The more and more I thought about this, the more darkness I saw and that could only mean one thing. My memory had been erased.

When I figured this out, I went to Magnus.

He helped me get those memories back, but I didn't want him to tell Zee about what he saw in them.

Because she would only hate her father more if she saw what he had done.

If she ever found out about this, I'd never want her to be upset with him. He's like a brother to her.

This was my mistake. I should've known before.

I should've known that Valentine took my memories. Of being pregnant with Jonathan, seeing him the moment I gave birth to him, and finding out Valentine experimented on me with demon blood. He experimented on my baby.

And when I found out, took him from me and forced a warlock to take my memories. To go back to loving him unconditionally, clueless of what he had done.

How could he had done this to me?

How could he have changed so much?

My hands were trembling in anger, tears pooling in my eyes as they scanned the words written in black in over and over again.

That monster.

I got up, my eyes not leaving the page as I left my room and ran into the hall, towards Alec's office.

"I need the report on my desk by the next hour-" Alec's voice sounded as I skid to a stop at the doorway, noticing him speaking to a fellow Shadowhunter.

When he hears my footsteps, he looks at me, his eyes widening with concern, "Zee-"

"I need to talk to you." I stared at him, my eyes holding a red tint as I tried with every cell in me not to start crying.

Alec shot a look at the Shadowhunter, who got the hint and walked out of the room.

I walked in, sniffling, "Alec-"

Alec got up and walked over to me as I stopped at his desk, "What happened- why are you crying?"

"Jonathan's my mother's son, not Jocelyn's." A tear slipped my eye, as I set down the book on the desk and grazed my finger through the sentences, "It says it all right here- Valentine- he took her memories of every having him when she found out he experimented on the baby- and- and-"

Alec's eyes scan the page, reading what was written, "Zee-"

"I know." I picked up the journal again, wiping my tear away, "I just- how can he-"

Then, there was a knock on the door, Magnus standing in the doorframe, "Bad time?"

Alec opens his mouth to speak, "Actually-"

"No, it's fine." I swallowed hard, pushing away my problems as Alec shot me a look, "Is everything okay?"

"I thought so." Magnus sounded like he was upset but he was trying to cover it up, slowly walking closer, "But, now- I'm not so sure."

My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I sniffle, "What's going on?"

"You tell me, Zee." I could tell that this couldn't wait and he was truly upset when he didn't call me by the nickname he gave me, stepping closer, "From the day I met you, the one thing I knew I could count on from you was honesty. Absolute, total honesty."

My heart dropped when I knew what he was talking about, "Magnus, I can explain."

Magnus stares at me, hurt crossing his expression as if he hoped I didn't know, "You knew about the sword?"

"I- I just found out, recently." My eyes widen as I spat out quickly, handing Alec the journal, "I swear."

Magnus stepped closer to me, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I swear I was gonna tell you- I even spoke about it to Alec earlier- I just- I was worried that if the Downworld found out, there'd be widespread panic, even despite the fact that the Sword's powers had been nullified." I stepped closer to him, trying to explain as quickly as I could, fear burning in my chest, "It could have led to a rebellion- I just, I-"

Magnus cuts me off, and small tears of hurt in his eyes, "And you didn't trust me to stay quiet?"

"I didn't say that!" I blurt out, running a hand through my hair, "I didn't want to ask you to have to keep a secret from your own people, that wouldn't be fair to you-"

"Oh." Magnus scoffs at me, stepping back, "You're just like the Clave Making promises you never intend to keep, what happened to transparency?"

"Magnus!" I stood in front of him, my voice defeated to everything that was being shoved in my face in such a short amount of time at once, "Magnus, don't make this personal, because it's not- I-"

"How can I not make it personal?" Magnus raises his voice at me but lightly in anger, "Valentine wants me dead, he wants all of us dead."

"I know." I raised my voice to a normal tone, tears burning in my eyes, "Please, Magnus, you have to believe me- I never wanted to hurt you."

"And after I bared my heart and soul." Magnus' words were filled with betrayal, making the tears in my eyes fall, "I told you things I've never told anyone- and you looked me straight in the eye and lied."

"Magnus, I was going to tell you." I grabbed his hands, desperate for him to forgive me, "I didn't mean to hurt you- I could never want to hurt you, I know I should've told you, and I know I'm wrong but please-"

Magnus wasn't listening to me, scoffing as he feared his hands away from mine and spun around, walking towards the door, "I guess it runs in the family."

"Magnus!" I ran after him but he was already gone the minute he entered the hallway, my voice coming out broken, "Magnus!"

authors note:

I feel so sad for zee :(

she goes through so much :(

she doesn't deserve thissss

but we love zalec tho

also wow this is long chapter

lowkey tho I feel like some parts of this chapter were like wack so this might not be the best chapter smh, I'm sorry

and thank you for 14k !!!

also, go read metanoia !!!

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