Woohoo new chapter! I'm already writing the next chapter too and I really like that one, so I'm excited to continue writing haha!
Thank you so so much for all of your votes on last chapter! They made me so happy! I really hope that you guys enjoyed that chapter and this one. Don't forget to leave a vote again if you wanna support me! <3 and as always, comments are super welcome! I love reading them <3 <3
Let's get into it! Here's chapter 44. Once we hit chapter 50, I'll do another song list of all the songs in the last 25 chapters for everyone who's interested in that :)
Here's the new chapter! Let me know what you think! I love you <3
Word count: 5403
~~
Josh was stunned after he had seen the video. His hand clasped over his mouth as he sat up and he replayed it. There was no way he was making this up, right? Was he making it up? Was it about someone else? It couldn't be, could it? He was there during the Karaoke night in Cincinnati, it wasn't Tyler's friend that was there because they had known each other for years. Josh was the one who was hesitant to sing. Josh was the one who met Tyler during that tour. He's the one he sung the most ABBA songs with. He was the one who talked to Tyler about the fact that he believed you could have multiple soulmates.
Tyler was calling him his friend. Tyler was on the other side of the world, somewhere in Europe, dedicating a song to him. He was thinking about him. He couldn't possibly believe it. He'd been watching it a few times in a row by now, over and over since he couldn't believe it, when his phone rang and he saw that it was Jenna. He answered it, and she didn't give him the change to greet her. "Did you see it?! You must've seen it it's been like 15 minutes!" Jenna said. "I did! Jen what the hell I- I just- I've been watching it a million times in a row because I-I can't believe he did that!" Josh said.
"Tyler looooves youuuu", Jenna said in a sing-song voice. "He called you his friend, Josh! Several times! He absolutely sees you as his friend and you cannot convince me otherwise and now you have to send him a message", Jenna said. "What? What am I supposed to say to him?" Josh asked. "I- I can't just pretend like we're besties even after this! That's- no, no I can't do that", he said. "Josh for God's sake, Tyler did his part, now it's your turn! He dedicated a whole entire fucking song to you, now you're up! Message him, please! Or I'm gonna fly back to LA and force you to do so!" She said.
"...honestly that's just one more reason not to message him", Josh said, and he heard Jenna's soft laugh. "I wish I could come back and hug the hell out of you, Joshie", she said, voice going softer than before. "I really miss you. I wish I was there with you, so I could freak out and fan-girl with you together on your bed instead of having to do it over the phone", she said. "I really wish I could." "I know", Josh said softly. "I know you do, Jen. I... I'm sorry if I've been a bit of an asshole lately", he said. "I just... It's really, really hard not having you here and it hurts a lot and uhm... I- sometimes it's- it's too much for me and I just... feel like I go into flight mode y'know? How I uh... How I ended the call the other day because of homework, I just... I'm gonna be completely honest with you but I- it hurts when you tell me about how great everything is over there", he confessed softly, and Jenna was quiet. Josh bit his lip, looking up at the ceiling as he wiped a tear away.
"It hurts so badly to know that you're having the time of your life with amazing people and so many new friends and so many exciting things happening in your life, when you're without me, while here... Everything really sucks, and nothing changed except that you left and everything that sucked before, sucks even harder now and everything that didn't suck because you were here, does suck now because you're not here, and- I-I'm struggling way more than I wanted you to know but it's killing me sometimes and I don't want to keep it from you because- because you deserve a best friend who listens to you and is happy for you but I'm not- I- I can't do that right now and I wish I could and I'm trying but I'm failing because it's so hard", he cried.
"Joshie why didn't you just tell me?" Jenna asked. "Be-because I don't wanna be a bad friend! A-and I don't want to lose you and be replaced, I- I want to be your best friend always, I don't- I-", he stuttered, but he didn't know what to say. He felt awful about the way he felt.
"Hey, baby, you will never be replaced", Jenna told him softly. "I love you, more than anything in the world. You're my best friend, you always will be", she said. "And I'm sorry that I... That I didn't consider how it would all make you feel when I talk to you about all these things constantly while you feel like life's still the same or worse for you", she said. "I never meant to make you feel that way", she said. "No, don't apologize, I- I'm the one who should just be happy for you and not be- not be jealous", he sniffled. "I shouldn't be feeling miserable because you're doing great, I should- I should be happy for you", he stuttered. "You say that as if you're not happy for me, but I know that that's not true", Jenna said. "I know you're happy for me. Maybe you're just... Struggling to adjust to this new situation", Jenna said. "Because it's a huge adjustment. We've spent almost every day together since we became friends and now we're so far away from each other and we haven't seen each other since I had to leave and we can't see each other nearly as much as we used to. And just 'cause the people are nice and I'm having fun, doesn't mean I don't genuinely miss you 'cause I do, Joshie", she said. "So much. Every day I wished you were here with me. I wish you could come here after school too, so we could be on campus together", she said.
"I wish I could too", Josh whispered. "I'm not good enough to- to go to an elite university like UPenn", he muttered. "But I wish I was." Jenna didn't know what to say, she didn't mean to sound like she hated that Josh wasn't 'good enough' to go there. She just wished they could be in the same place together, that was all. "I- I didn't mean that", Jenna softly said. "No, no I know", Josh said as he shook his head lightly. "I know you didn't, it's- it's just what I feel", Josh said. "I know I couldn't- I wouldn't be able to do it, that's just- that's just how it is", he said. "You'd rather not go to college at all, hm?" Jenna said. "Yeah", Josh sighed softly. "But I made a promise", he said. It was quiet for a little while.
"I love you, Josh", she said. "You know that right?" She asked. Josh bit his lip. "I think I do, yeah", he said softly. "And I love you so much", he sighed softly. "If I wasn't gay I wanted you to be my girlfriend", he said, and Jenna laughed. "I would've loved to be your girlfriend if you weren't gay", she laughed gently. "I really do miss you, Josh. I think about you every day, and I wish you could be right by my side. Every time something exciting happens or is going on, I catch myself wishing I could share it with you. You're truly my best friend and you will always be my best friend and no one in the world could take that spot from you", she said. "No one could ever replace you either Jen, never ever ever", Josh said.
"You gotta send him a message", she then said. "...I don't know", Josh muttered. "Just... There's nothing to lose, Joshie. Just go for it, and if he'll reply, then that would be incredible and if he doesn't reply, then you haven't lost anything. It's worth the shot, babe", she said. "I'll- I'll think about it", he said. "Good! That's good", Jenna smiled. Josh couldn't see it, but he heard it in her voice. "What are you gonna do over the weekend? Do you have any plans with Jon? I miss him too", she said. "He misses you too, he really does", Josh said. "We do have plans together but not really only together", Josh said. "...and plans I'm not looking forward to too much", he said. "Oh? What is it?" Jenna asked curiously.
"Uhm, Friday after school we're gonna go to the airport and get on a plane to fly to Michigan", Josh said. "Michigan?" Jenna asked. "Yeah, we're- we're gonna visit Wayne State University in Detroit", he said. "Jon and his parents, my parents and I", he said. "There's gonna be a tour and all that, and while I didn't mind the last trip, I just- colleges do make me kind of really anxious in general so- yeah, not terribly excited", he said.
"Where do you think you'd prefer to go to college?" She asked. "Location-wise, not talking about specific uni's", she said. "I... I don't know. LA would be... Would be what I know, would be near my family. That would be good", he said. "But last time, we flew to New Hampshire and the people seemed to be less... Less overachieving. I mean, those people are everywhere but they felt less like they had to be insta-famous to be valuable than LA people do", he said. "Yeah, I get that. That's a big difference from Philly and LA too", she said.
"Detroit would be a lot closer to Pennsylvania than Los Angeles is", she said. "Yeah", Josh said. "But still a long way. I wouldn't just be able to drive down there in an hour", he said. "Yeah, that's true", she said. "But anything closer is better than nothing at all", she said.
They talked for a while more, before they ended the call. Josh felt a bit better now that he had admitted to Jenna how he was feeling. It felt a lot better to be honest than her instead of to not tell her anything about how he was feeling.
He rested his head on his pillow on the bed, and reopened Twitter. He watched some videos from Tyler's first show in Europe, and saw that Tyler was smiling a lot; it felt like he was really happy to finally have made it to the other side of the ocean to play shows for the fans on the other side of the world. Tyler played Lonely, No Below, Drown; a lot of songs that Josh adored. And he played the cover, where he talked about him. He still couldn't believe it.
He took a deep breath as he opened his DMs with Tyler. He bit his lip as he started typing.
Hi Tyler :) I'm not too good at these things but I saw the video where you covered SOS in Europe. Abba will forever remind me of the fun karaoke night where you convinced me to sing :) Hope you're having an amazing time in Europe. x Josh :)
He hit send before he could change his mind, and then immediately regretted it and closed the app and tossed his phone to the side and he screamed into his pillow. Fuck. Why did he do that?
•
Tyler hooked his phone up to the charger as he sat down on the couch in the tiny backstage area. This was one of the smallest backstage areas he'd ever been in, but Europe was much more compact than the US was. He was definitely still getting used to it.
Tonight was his second show, and he was excited for it. He was feeling better than expected. Calling with Lucas as his best friend had helped for sure. It didn't feel like he had said goodbye to Lucas as a person. He said goodbye to him as his lover, but they welcomed each other with open arms as best friends, and somehow, Tyler was doing okay.
Maybe it was the excitement of being in Europe finally kicking in, but maybe Tyler was just, plain and simply, truly going to be okay. It was going to be either one.
Tyler scrolled through his Twitter, smiling at some of the tweets, rolling his eyes at other tweets, and quickly scrolling past the mean ones. Then a familiar name caught his eye. Jenna. She had quote tweeted a video of someone else.
NO WAY HE'S TALKING ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND!!! MY!!! BEST!!! FRIEND!!!
Tyler clicked on the video, realizing it was the song he covered last night, where he mentioned Josh. He smiled softly, chuckling at Jenna's tweet. He watched the video. It was always a bit odd to himself to see himself in a video, talking about things. He always remembered what he said, but not the exact words. Not exactly how. He knew what he said generally, not specifically. Hearing himself speak always felt weird. He didn't think that would ever go away.
Then Tyler's phone rang, and his face lit up when he saw that Lucas was calling. He answered it. "Hey baby", Tyler smiled. "Tell me you finally messaged Josh", Lucas said, and Tyler chuckled. "Good morning to you too", he said, and Lucas let out a soft laugh. "Hi baby", he greeted his best friend. "I would love to know how you're doing but first I wanna know if you finally messaged Josh", he said. "Why do you ask?" Tyler asked. "Because of the video! You're talking about him, during your first European show. Tell me you're finally accepting him to be your friend for real", he said.
"I just- I just said that, I didn't- I didn't know what else to call it. I couldn't say oh I met a fan and I am going to sing for him", Tyler rolled his eyes. "Oh Ty, baby, I love you to death but you gotta stop lying to yourself. He's so much more than just a fan", Lucas tried. "Please, please stop, we've been over this a million times and he's nothing more than a dang fan, just- just accept it", Tyler said. Lucas was quiet for a while, then let out a deep sigh. "I don't want to annoy you", he said. "Good, then stop bringing up Josh", Tyler said, and Lucas gave in. "Alright, alright", he said, before he asked Tyler how the first show went, and how they were doing.
After Tyler and Lucas ended the call, he figured he'd scroll through some DMs of fans on Twitter, since he'd gotten several notifications. He kept forgetting to turn them off, the notifications, but also didn't want to forget to check them. He had a love-hate relationship with those things.
He saw a few messages from fans, mainly about how much he had helped them with his music, and he liked a few, when his eyes landed on yet another familiar name. Joshua.
He couldn't remember getting a notification from him- then it hit him. He had muted Josh. He had wondered why he hadn't seen anything of Josh's on his feed, while he had completely forgotten that he had muted Josh. He read the message that Josh had sent him, and he smiled softly as he did so. He clicked on Josh's page, then unmuted him. Muting hadn't really helped. He hadn't seen Josh's tweets, but he'd been wondering why he wasn't seeing them. Wondering how he was doing. It hadn't stopped him from thinking of the boy sometimes. He didn't want to admit to himself or to someone else that Josh had been on his mind sometimes, so he just pretended that that was not the case.
He went back to his chat with Josh.
hi joshua, next time we see each other, drinks at the second abba karaoke night are on me. europe is a dream. xxty
He hit send, before he scrolled through Instagram for a bit, when he received a message back from Josh. He smiled as he clicked on the notification, and the chat opened. He read Josh's message.
That would be awesome. But drinks were on you last time too! I'll do one round at least :) Happy that you're enjoying Europe. Definitely a dream of mine to visit some day :)
Tyler smiled to himself as he wanted to start typing, when he heard Michael yell his name. "Ty! Quickly, we have an emergency!" he heard, so Tyler sat up right away, closing the app before he locked his phone and he tossed it on the couch, then made his way out the door.
"What is it?" Tyler asked, alarmed. "The hard drive is fried! Completely done! Please tell me you have the audio tracks backed up somewhere else", Michael said. "Uhm, why don't you have a back up?" Tyler asked Shap and Shane. "That was the back up. The other one was in the bag that the airline lost, remember?" Shap said. "And you didn't make a back up of this one?!" Tyler asked. "We were in the middle of doing that, when it crashed!" Shane said. "Fuck, fuck okay uhm- fuck! Let me- let me see if they're still on my personal laptop", Tyler said, panic setting in, but trying to keep calm. "They better fucking be on there or we got no fucking show", he muttered as he walked away to get his own laptop.
He sat down on a random chair as he started his laptop, impatiently tapping his foot on the ground as he waited for it to load up - way too slowly for this situation. When it finally did, he went straight into his files and searched through the countless songs and versions of songs, when he started to find the ones they needed one audio track at a time. He copied them and pasted them all into one folder, when he sighed. "I got them all! Please tell me we have a spare drive to make several back ups of these", Tyler said. "I'm about to head out to go to uhm... Media... Markt?" Shap questioned. "...Media Markt? What is that?" Tyler asked. "An electronics chain here in Europe, apparently", Shane said. "Well get on it then! Get me several hard drives because these are the only ones we have left!" Tyler said as he pointed at his laptop screen.
And because of the panicking and having to move fast to back the files up, do the soundcheck and get ready for the show, Tyler forgot all about how he hadn't replied to Josh's message.
•
"Yeah he read it and then didn't respond", Josh muttered. "Maybe he's just busy? Could be", Jonathon said. "Could be", Josh muttered. "Baby he literally just said that he'd love to do another karaoke night with you. Don't worry about him not replying to this right away!" Jonathon said. "I- it's hard not to! I worry about everything, you know that", Josh sighed. "Yeah, yeah I do know baby", Jonathon sighed softly as he gave his lover a tight hug. "I think he's just busy right now. I think there's no need to worry. I know that's much easier said than done, but I think it's going to be okay", Jonathon said.
"I think he's about to go on stage over there", Josh said softly after a while of silence. "Since it's been a few hours since the message he wrote me. I found a girl on Twitter that is going to the show and she was gonna live-tweet the setlist", Josh said. "Don't you think it'll be the same as yesterday?" Jonathon asked. "Generally, yeah, but he mixes up the covers usually. I don't think he's gonna do the Abba song again, that's definitely gonna be a one-time thing", Josh said.
And while he really hoped that Tyler would do it again, even if he said he didn't expect it, unfortunately, he was right. Tyler didn't play the ABBA song again. Instead, he did something else.
•
"So", Tyler started as he tuned his electric guitar. "I'm gonna do a few covers, and I think most of you guys know the band that made the songs I'm about to play", Tyler said. "...and if you don't, oh boy, respectfully; shame on you", Tyler said with a smirk, and the crowd laughed. "Then I'd kindly request you to go home, after the show of course, and do your homework, 'cause these guys are legends and everyone should know them", Tyler said. "I'm convinced everybody does know them, but, well... There's always that one person", he joked, and the crowd loved it, judging by their laughter. Tyler laughed softly too. "Here we go", he said.
"Space may be the final frontier, but it's made in a Hollywood basement. And Cobain, can you hear the spheres, singing songs off station to station? And Alderaan's not far away, it's Californication", he sang, and the crowd cheered, as most immediately recognized the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
"Born and raised by those who praise control of population. Well, everybody's been there, and I don't mean on vacation. Firstborn unicorn, hardcore- I can't sing that!" He said, since the following words were soft-porn, but he wasn't gonna ruin his image and it made the crowd laugh and cheer.
"Dream of Californication. Dream of Californication", Tyler sang. "Pay your surgeon very well to break the spell of aging. Sicker than the rest, there is no test, but this is what you're craving. Dream of Californication", he sang, before he switched to the second song.
"Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner. Sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city of angels. Lonely as I am; together we cry. I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way", he sang. "It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there. It's hard to believe that I'm all alone. At least I have her love, the city; she loves me. Lonely as I am, together we cry", he then switched to the next song.
"How long, how long will I slide? Separate my side, I don't, I don't believe it's bad. Slit my throat, it's all I ever-" he sang. "I heard your voice through a photograph, I thought it up and brought up the past. Once you know, you can never go back. I gotta take it on the other side", he sang. "Take it on, take it on. How long will I slide? Separate my side, I don't, I don't believe it's bad. Slit my throat, it's all I ever-", he sang, before he changed it again.
"Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic mister know-it-all. Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause with the birds I'll share, with the birds I'll share this lonely viewing", he sang. "Soft spoken with a broken jaw, step outside but not to brawl. Autumn's sweet; we call it fall. I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and with the birds I'll share this lonely view", he sang.
"Deep beneath the cover of another perfect wonder where it's so white as snow. Privately divided by a world so undecided, and there's nowhere to go. In between the cover of another perfect wonder, and it's so white as snow. Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed and there's nowhere to go", Tyler sang.
"It only hurts when I laugh, gone too fast", Tyler switched the chords on his guitar again. "California, rest in peace. Simultaneous release. California, show your teeth. She's my priestess, I'm your priest", he sang.
"Standing in line to see the show tonight, and there's a light on, heavy glow. By the way, I tried to say I'd be there, waiting for Dani, the girl is singing songs to me beneath the marquee of her soul. By the way, I tried to say I know you from before", he sang. "Hey now, we've got to make it rain somehow. She told me to and showed me what to do, she knows how to make it loud", he sang part of the Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie.
"Now, for my favorite one", Tyler smiled. "Gotta prepare myself for this one. It's kind of like a rap part", Tyler smiled as he rolled his shoulders back. "Here goes nothing", he said as he started to play the familiar notes of the tune on his guitar.
"Can't stop, addicted to the shindig. Chop top, he says I'm gonna win big. Choose not a life of imitation; distant cousin to the reservation. Defunkt, the pistol that you pay for. This punk, the feeling that you stay for. In time, I want to be your best friend, East Side love is living on the West End", Tyler sang. "Knocked out, but boy, you better come to. Don't die, you know, the truth is some do. Go write your message on the pavement, burn so bright, I wonder what the wave meant. White heat is screaming in the jungle, complete the motion if you stumble. Go ask the dust for any answers, come back strong with 50 belly dancers", he finished the singing-semi-rap part. He then went into the chorus.
"The world I love, the tears I drop, to be part of the wave, can't stop. Ever wonder if it's all for you?" He sang as he looked up at the ceiling. "The world I love, the trains I hop, to be part of the wave; can't stop. Come and tell me when it's time to", he sang. He stopped playing guitar for the last part.
"Your image in the dictionary. This life is more than ordinary. Can I get two, maybe even three of these? Come from space to teach you of the Pleiades. Can't stop the spirits when they need you. This life is more than just a read-through", he finished the last rap-ish part, and he was finished. The crowd erupted in cheers and applause, and Tyler smiled as he put his hand over his heart. He had no idea how that would go, but he was extremely happy that it went quite great. As he looked to the side, he saw his friends giving him thumbs up excitedly, and Tyler smiled at them. "Thank you, thanks guys", Tyler spoke to the crowd with a smile. He looked down at his electric guitar, playing a few notes before he stopped and he rested his arms on top of the guitar, looking back at the crowd.
"Doing covers has been something I've always loved and enjoyed doing. But the question is always; how will it turn out? Will it sound good, or bad? Will my voice not be a good enough match for the song, for the genre, the style? Will I be able to do it justice while not copying their work but kind of making it my own? Will all of the fans of these artists and bands hate my guts after I mess it up?" Tyler said, and the crowd laughed. Tyler smiled. "But then I think about it again, and the question I ask myself instead, is: will I have fun doing it? Will I enjoy singing songs that I love, or that are important to me, even when I didn't write them? And the answer is pretty much always 'yes'. 'Cause I love music. There's nothing better in the world than music. And I didn't fall in love with music because of my own music. I fell in love with other people's work, which inspired me to start making my own stuff. Heavy metal bands, classical instrumentalists, pop artists, rock bands, rappers; they all made me fall in love with music. The diversity of music is unlike anything in the world. I love music, and I love singing, and I love playing my instruments. I love making music, whether it's my own songs, or it's someone else's songs. I like my own music and I love songwriting and creating, but sometimes it's fun to just... Let go of your own stuff, not think about what people will think about the sound I create or the lyrics I write, and just sing songs from others that aren't my own creations, but they're beautiful creations", he spoke.
"So uh... Yeah, I just... I love music, I love singing covers, and I most of all love it when all of you guys sing along when I'm on stage", he smiled. "Thank you for being here, thank you for spending your time in this room with me. I know a bunch of you have to work in the morning, but the fact that you're here to spend time with me and the people around you, to sing along to music and celebrate life... Thank you for that", he smiled. "This song is called Graveyard Whistling", he said as he started his next song.
•
"I would kill to hear Tyler sing RHCP songs live", Josh sighed as he cuddled up to his lover. "Me too, it would be insane", Jonathon said as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "I know right? Gosh, these lucky motherfluffers", Josh said and Jonathon let out a laugh. "Dang motherfluffers", he chuckled, and Josh smiled softly. "I'm happy momma is letting you stay the night", Josh said. "Me too. If only I could stay with you every night", Jonathon said and Josh sighed softly. "That'd be the dream", he said. "Are you looking forward to this weekend?" Jonathon asked. "Not looking forward to visiting the university, but I am looking forward to flying with you and we can explore the city a bit and I'm even happier that we get to share a room with the two of us", he smiled. "I'll go down on you when we're there", Jonathon hummed and Josh blushed softly as he cuddled his lover tightly. "Not gonna say no to that", he blushed and Jonathon smiled. "That's a deal, then", he said with a soft laugh, and Josh giggled. "I love you", he smiled. "I wanna return the favor too", he said as he looked up at his boyfriend. "Well, I won't stop you", Jonathon said with a soft laugh.
~~
Soooo what did you think? Joshie is being honest with Jenna, finally! Poor babie haha. I just feel like it would always be hard for anyone to tell their friend that they're struggling with how happy they are without them, when you've been so used to being together all the time. And Josh struggles with feeling lonely and the feeling of getting left behind already, and also with voicing his feelings, so I feel like it would be so hard for him but yaaay he's being honest with his best frieeend!
I'm so excited for next chapter haha. Exciting things happening for Tyyy! I love writing so much ugh and I really like how i can move quicker through these parts of the story since they still need to happen but are less important to go into full detail about everything. The events are still important to how they'll eventually be; we just don't need all the details haha. I'm happy with how it's working out so far and I hope you are too!
Love you. Until the next one <3