Chapter 40 oh lordy this is insane and there's so much more to come omg
Btw I can't believe the whole Ohio trip had taken so many chapters. Like half the story so far has been the Ohio trip and the other half was the rest haha
Anyways hiii! Good to see you back! Hope you're doing well! Love you! I'm back with a new chapter! And I hope you'll enjoy reading it ♥️♥️ it's a bit sad at some points, but I hope you'll love it either way ♥️ or maybe you love it even more because of it haha, who knows (: please don't forget to leave a like! I love seeing the votes on my chapters every time. They make me feel so good about writing! And I'd love to hear your opinion on it too. If you want to leave a comment, feel free to do so because I looove reading them so much, they make my day! I'm always looking forward to them.
So enjoy chapter 40! Can't wait to hear your thoughts on it. Love you, thank you for your support ♥️♥️ let's get into it!
Word count: 5500
~~
The show in Akron was vocally one of the strongest ones, but it wasn't one of Josh's favorites. Probably one of his least favorites of the tour just because Tyler's family was there, which made him talk about them a lot, which made Tyler not look at Josh even once. No smile, no 'hi Josh', no wave, no eye contact, no nothing. He knew it was stupid of him to expect anything, but he couldn't help but feel sad when it turned out that nothing happened.
After the show, they didn't see Michael, they didn't see Mark, or Jordan, Lucas or Tyler. Jenna reminded them that Tyler's family was there which was most likely the reason why they didn't see anyone that day, but that didn't make it any better for Josh. it hurt, he felt even dumber because he knew it shouldn't hurt; he just wished his last two shows would've been even better than the other shows had already been.
Jonathon noticed Josh's slight sadness, and once they were in bed, they talked about it. Jonathon made Josh feel a little less insane, and more validated when he told him that it was okay that Josh felt sad about it, that he was allowed to feel sad about it. It made Josh feel a little less choked up, but it didn't take his sadness away. He fell asleep cuddling up to Jonathon, and when he woke up he felt a little bit better. He didn't feel great, but he felt better.
They made their way to Dayton. It was the last show of the tour, and Josh prayed to God that he'd get to say goodbye to Tyler that night, before they'd return to Columbus the day after, and fly home to Los Angeles the morning after that.
He felt like he could cry every time he thought about the fact that this was gonna be the end of their trip, the end of tour, the end of seeing and spending time with Tyler. It hurt him more than he wanted to admit to his lover and to his best friend, and so he tried to hide it from them.
When they arrived in Dayton, they checked into the fanciest hotel of their trip. Since it was the last concert night, he and Jenna had decided to splurge a little, and go for a fancier option. It was a big hotel - an actual hotel this time, instead of the B&B slash hostel type places they stayed at that they called hotels, too. This was an actual hotel.
It felt nice, and fancy, but Josh didn't feel amazing because he was scared that he'd not get the chance to say goodbye to Tyler that evening.
They went to the venue; it was the most intimate venue of the tour. They waited, went inside, watched the support act, waited some more, drank a coke, waited a bit longer, and then Tyler played his set. Josh felt his heart pound, his anxiety scream in his chest, when Tyler's eyes met his. "Hi Josh", he smiled softly, before he played the next song.
Jonathon hugged him from behind, visibly seeing how a wave of relief washed over his lover. It felt good to hear the hi Josh again. Only last time he didn't hear it, but somehow it felt like he hadn't heard it for years. Hearing it again, gave him hope.
After the show, Jordan approached them. "Hey, Ty wants to say goodbye to you guys real quick", Jordan said. "His family is here today as well, which we didn't know until last night, so he'll spend time with them but since this is the last show of the tour, he asked me to come get you so he could say goodbye quickly", Jordan said.
Josh was happy that Tyler wanted to say goodbye; he just wished it wouldn't have to be rushed. They followed Jordan to the hallway, where Tyler had been waiting already. "Hey", he smiled. "I didn't know my family would come to this show too. I can't exactly throw them out", he joked. "But I just wanted to say goodbye", he said. "Oh man this is harder than I thought it would be", Jenna muttered. "Oh for me too", Tyler said with a soft laugh as he pulled Jenna into a tight hug. "Gonna miss you, girl", he said. "You're awesome. I loved getting to know you and spend time with you", Tyler told her. "Ty you're gonna make me cry", she said and as they pulled back, he saw a tear on Jenna's cheek. "Oh no don't cry", he said as he wiped it away gently. He pulled her closer and he pressed a kiss on her hair. "Take good care of Josh", he said. "Even when you're studying in Pennsylvania. He needs you", he said. "I will, I'll do anything I can", she said. "Good", Tyler nodded.
"You better take good care of him too", Tyler said to Jonathon, who nodded with a soft smile. "I will, I promise. I'll be by his side at every moment", he said. "Best answer you could've given", Tyler smiled as he hugged Jonathon. "You're truly a gentle giant", he said, causing them all to laugh.
"Hey babe", Tyler smiled as he turned to Josh, whose eyes were watery as well. "Oh I hate that I'm about to cry", he muttered. "It's okay, don't be ashamed of it", Tyler said as he pulled him in a tight hug. "You are... One of a kind, Josh", Tyler told him softly. "You're everything a person needs in their lives. Your wise words and your encouragement and how you can cheer someone up, it's truly, super special. Keep loving the way you do, yeah? Don't lose hope. You're gonna be okay, I know you will be. You're much stronger than you think you are", he told him.
Josh was crying, burying his face in Tyler's shoulder as he did so. Tyler felt his eyes sting but he swallowed a few times, not allowing any tears to escape. He didn't want to cry, not in front of them when they said goodbye. "I'm gonna miss you", Tyler whispered. "I'm gonna miss you too", Josh choked out. They didn't let go for a long time, hugging tightly, until Tyler loosened the hug and Josh let go. "Let's get one last picture together, yeah?" Tyler said. "We look like total messes though", Jenna chuckled. "That's alright", Tyler smiled. They all took a picture alone with Tyler, and a group picture. Tyler used his phone for a group selfie too, and one more pic with Josh.
"Off you go now", Tyler said. "Be safe when you go back to LA. Don't... Don't die", he said. "We'll do our best", Jenna smiled. Tyler gave them one last hug, before he walked away. "'Til next time", he said as he waved, and they did so too, and Jordan escorted them back to the exit. They said goodbye to Jordan as well, then Michael and Mark popped by for a quick goodbye, and even Lucas did so too. Then, they got outside, and it was quiet.
"Fuck", Josh mumbled as more tears rolled down his cheeks. "Oh baby", Jonathon said softly as he hugged him. "We're going to be okay. It's gonna be okay", he gently told his lover.
//
They got back to their hotel, and Jenna was in their room. Josh was tired but he couldn't sleep. "I'm gonna get some snacks from the vending machine", he said. "Okay baby", Jenna said. "Do you want any of us to walk with you?" She asked. "No, no it's okay", Josh said. "I'll be right back", he said. "Alright love", Jonathon said, and they let him go.
Josh's heart felt heavy. He hated the feeling. Tour was over, they were about to go home again. He wouldn't see Tyler anymore. It hurt.
He made his way to the vending machine, when he saw the sign that said OUT OF ORDER. He sighed softly as he turned around, about to go back to his room, but then remembered that there was a vending machine in the lobby. He went to the elevator, pressed the button, and he went down to the ground floor. He walked out into the fancy lobby, then turned the corner and walked down the hallway where the vending machine was. He put in some money, got a snack, when he frowned as he heard piano music coming from one of the doors in that hall.
Before he'd get any more snacks for his friends, he walked closer to the door where the music came from. It was slow, soft piano, and he heard something else; only when he got closer to the door, he heard singing.
"Feel it heavy in my bones now. Feel like everybody goes out and smiles for the 'gram, yeah, tried but I can't. Prayer in the shape of Prozac, try to medicate the lows that come and meet me in the night time, losing track of my time", he heard the voice and Josh frowned even more when he noticed that the voice sounded awfully familiar to Tyler's voice. He wondered if he was imagining things 'cause he felt so awful about the goodbye especially 'cause it was so quick, and he was struggling so much with it.
"Mama said it's gonna be alright, but mama don't know what it's like in my mind", Josh heard the voice sing. "Mama said that the sun's gonna shine, but mama don't know what it's like to want to die", the voice continued. Josh's breath stuttered as he heard the words. Then the piano stopped.
"How's that?" He softly heard. "It's... Heavy", he heard the other voice say. "I know, Mike", he heard and Josh's eyes widened as he heard the name. Was it really Tyler? There was no way it was Tyler, right?
"But I wanna write what I want to write. I wanna sing what I want to sing. I want to sing this. I- I know it's heavy, it's fucking heavy for me too", he heard the voice say. "I can't sing it without crying but this is what I want to release", he said.
It was quiet for a few seconds as Josh listened by the door. Then suddenly, the voice sounded much closer. "I'll be right back", he heard, now loud and clear, and Josh was just quick enough to remove his ear from the door before it swung open and he felt like a deer caught in the headlights as there he was; Tyler, right in front of him, eyes puffy and red, tears on his cheeks.
"...Josh?" He softly said, then frowned. "What- what are you doing here", he asked, and it wasn't as gentle as it usually was. "I- I'm sorry I-", Josh stuttered as he stepped back a bit. "Ty I swear I'm not stalking you I just- this- this is our hotel", Josh said. Tyler's face softened. "Your hotel?" He asked. Josh nodded. "Jon and Jenna are- they're upstairs, I just- the vending machine on our floor broke so I had to come here and- and-", Josh stuttered, and Tyler noticed the snacks in his hands. Tyler sniffled softly as he wiped his cheeks. "I believe you", he softly said.
"...have you been crying?" Josh softly asked. Tyler sighed shakily, then hummed as a response. "Mike, just- go back to your room yeah? I'll see you tomorrow", Tyler said. "Okay Ty", Michael replied. "I'll- I'll go back too, I'm so sorry I- I listened to you guys I just noticed the piano and I got curious and then I- I recognized your voice but- but- I- I should stop talking I'm just gonna go I'm sorry, I'm sorry", Josh apologized as he wanted to walk away, but suddenly he felt a strong grip on his arm. It didn't hurt, at all; it was just strong.
"Don't go", Tyler said softly. "Do you wanna walk with me?" He asked. Josh looked at him. "Are you sure?" He asked. "Yeah", Tyler nodded. "I am", he said. Josh did the same. "Yeah, yeah okay", he said. Tyler forced a soft smile before he started walking and Josh followed him. Tyler went to the front doors of the hotel and they both walked through them, before they crossed the road to get closer to the river that was right on the opposite side of the road. They didn't talk; Tyler didn't, so Josh didn't either. He just quietly walked with him, walking down the sidewalk next to the river, before there were some steps that went down and Tyler sat down, so Josh joined him. Tyler lit a cigarette, took a deep drag, and he blew the smoke out.
"Uhm..." Tyler trailed. "I- I didn't expect to see you here", he said. "Me neither", Josh softly said. "My family decided to uhm... I guess surprise me by coming to the last show too. Wish they hadn't", he said. Josh looked up. "You don't like it when they come to see you?" He asked. "No I do, generally. Just... I thought I'd get to spend a bit more time with you guys I guess, but they kind of... took that away", he said. "...and you suddenly showing up in my hotel felt a bit... odd, but I know you're speaking the truth, that we just somehow got the same hotel. I was just a bit suspicious at first", he said with a soft smile. "Sorry", he said. "Don't be, I know how it looked, it looked pretty bad", Josh said and Tyler chuckled softly. "Yeah", he smiled.
"Sorry that you found me crying", Tyler said. "Was it because of the song?" Josh asked. Tyler nodded. "Yeah... It's- it's hard, writing what you truly feel. It's what I want to write, but it sucks when you know it's not a song. I mean, it is a song, it's just not only a song. It's... It's me. It's me in words, turned into a song. It's hard when you're gonna show that to people and it's hard to hear myself say what I try to hide to everyone, myself included", he said.
"My parents, my family, they left to drive back to Columbus since it's only about an hour, but we'd already booked this hotel and they were kind enough to let us use a room with a piano in it. I didn't- I didn't feel like going to sleep, I just... needed to play music, but I didn't wanna do it alone so I asked Michael to join me. I'm just... I'm not sure what to release. I know what I want to do, with the song about Mars y'know, the outer space thing, but I also wanna do this. But then there's the music that I know will be liked by the general public and I... I don't wanna write that stuff", he said. "I wanna write real things. Don't wanna write about sex and drugs and money and going out and getting shitfaced drunk and all of that stuff. I wanna write what I feel", he said.
"But the issue is that I feel like shit", Tyler said with a laugh. "Always have, don't think I'll ever feel differently. I'm... sorry that I'm bothering you with this", Tyler said. "You're not", Josh softly replied. "You told me I can talk to you but- but you can talk to me too", he softly said. Tyler looked over at Josh, smiled softly but then his expression changed and tears rolled down his face. "I'm sorry", Tyler sniffled. "Don't be", Josh replied softly, voice cracking as he felt his eyes sting. He carefully rested his hand on Tyler's arm but Tyler pulled away, only to pull Josh in a tight hug. He felt Tyler's body shake softly as he cried, he heard the sobs coming from the person he looked up to so much, and Josh couldn't hold his own tears in as he cried too. It made Tyler hold on to him even tighter than he already did.
After a little while, they pulled back but they hadn't stopped crying, though it had died down a bit. "Being depressed sucks, huh?" Tyler sniffled. "Yeah", Josh said as he wiped some tears away. "Being suicidal sucks even more", Tyler muttered softly. "Yeah, it does", Josh replied softly. Tyler looked over to him. "Are you too?" He asked. Josh softly shrugged. "I... think so", he said softly. "Uhm... I- I think about it- about not being here anymore", he softly said as he swallowed difficultly. "Y'know, about... sometimes wishing I- I wasn't alive at all", he said softly. "But... would I- would I be able to actually do it? I... I don't know, i- I feel like- like I... couldn't actually do it, I think", Josh said softly. Tyler nodded as he bit his lip, looking at the river.
"Are- Uhm... are you? Very uh- very suicidal?" Josh asked carefully. Tyler swallowed difficultly but he nodded. "Yeah, pretty badly", he sighed softly. Josh bit his lip. "Do you- do you think you'd be able to- to do it?" He asked hesitantly, but he didn't know if he wanted to know the answer to it or not.
"Uhm..." Tyler trailed as he looked down. He wiped a few tears away as he took a shaky breath. "Yeah I- I could", he softly admitted. "I could... I could do it. I uh... I've tried, in the past. Failed, but tried, three times", Tyler said softly. Josh's heart sank as he heard his words and the tears just multiplied. "So yeah I Uhm... I could do it, I'm pretty sure", Tyler said softly.
"Oh baby", he muttered as he saw Josh cry more, and he wrapped his arm around him as he pulled him a bit closer. "I'm sorry", Tyler whispered but Josh shook his head no. He didn't want Tyler to feel bad for sharing something like that with him.
"W-what was the- the last sentence of that song you sang? Or- or the last sentences", Josh stuttered.
"Uhm..." Tyler trailed as he tried to remember what he sang last. "I think it was these", he said as he softly sang the words. "Mama said that the sun gonna shine, but mama don't know what it's like to wanna die", Tyler gently sang. "F-fuck", Josh muttered. "That- that hurts", he stuttered. "It does", Tyler nodded softly as he swallowed difficultly. "There's more after that", he said as he looked down.
"I can't carry this anymore, heavy from the hurt inside my veins. I can't carry this anymore. Wonder what it's like to be okay", Tyler softly sang.
"Would you like me if I drank that? If you wanted, I could take that. I'll do anything for love, I don't feel like I'm enough. You can probably see right through me, 'cause I can promise if you knew me, you would probably walk away, no you wouldn't want to stay, oh", he continued with a broken voice.
"Mama said it's gonna be alright, but mama don't know what it's like in my mind. Mama said that the sun's gonna shine, but mama don't know what it's like to want to die", his voice came to a stop.
"There's a bit more but..." he trailed. "It's okay", Josh replied softly, knowing it was just a little too much for Tyler at the moment. It was quiet between them for a while.
"Oh Josh", Tyler sighed softly. "Sometimes I really wonder what it would be like if I wouldn't be here anymore. I know people around me say they'll miss me and they can't imagine life without me but sometimes I wonder if that's truly what would happen. What if it's not- what if that's not what it would be like? What if they'd just... be relieved, that they don't have to deal with me anymore? With my depressive shit and suicidal seasons and my behavior towards them. How I got angry at Michael the other day... what if he'd just turn out to be relieved that he wouldn't have to put up with my bullshit anymore? What if it would actually make their lives better without me even if they don't see it right now?" He said.
"No, Tyler they could never think that", Josh said. "They love you, they believe in you, they love being around you. Didn't they choose to become your crew?" Josh asked. "They did", Tyler nodded softly. "Which I always thought was one of their biggest mistakes. I... I got signed, finally accepted a label, so I could actually pay them money 'cause those idiots didn't wanna stop helping me even if I didn't pay them. They're just... they made a stupid, dumb decision to work for me", Tyler said. "Which just convinces me more that if I wouldn't be here, they'd have much better lives. Stable jobs, stable income, doing whatever. With me, they don't have that stability. Anyone could decide to cancel me at any time and people would follow and I could lose everything and therefore they could lose everything and that- that wouldn't be the case if I just- if I didn't exist", Tyler said as he wiped his cheeks.
"They- they put up with stuff they shouldn't have to put up with. They put up with me, while I- I'm not good for them, I'm not- I shouldn't- they trust me way too much while they shouldn't 'cause they deserve so much better than me and I know they'd finally realize that if I just- if I just would not be here anymore", he sniffled.
"Their lives would be better without me", Tyler swallowed difficultly as a tear rolled down his cheek.
"You can't convince me that your family and your friends would- would be better off without you. There's no way I'd ever believe that", Josh said. "And the lives of all of your fans, everyone who loves your music. They'd- their lives are so much better because of you. Your music and what you stand for is so important to so many out there", Josh said.
"Yeah but isn't my music so depressing that they'll all just become more depressed because of it? Because of me? Or remain depressed because of the music while they could actually heal and be and feel better but I'm preventing that with my music?" Tyler asked. Josh frowned. "What? No, no-" he started. "There's no way that's true, your music helps so many people", Josh tried. "Do you think I'm just making that up? 'Cause I'm not", Tyler said as he grabbed his phone and he opened Twitter. "Here. Look what this person said", he said as he showed Josh the tweet.
"'Glad Tyler moved on from No Phun Intended because that shit made me depressed AF'", Tyler read aloud. "Or this one. 'Tyler's music made me wanna kill myself as a teen but I didn't stop listening 'til my therapist said so. Luckily I listened'", he read another tweet. "And another one: 'why is nobody talking about Tyler Joseph romanticizing mental illness?' Or 'Tyler really tries to convince kids that being depressed is a quirky personality trait'. You see what I mean? I- I thought I'd- I'd do something good by making the music I really want to and love to make but- but it's not doing what I hoped it would. It's- I- I wanted people to feel accepted and understood, I wanted to... to make the topic less stigmatized so people could reach out to others for help and talk about it without being ashamed but- but apparently that's not what I'm doing-" Tyler rambled.
"But- but so what if a few people say that? That's not even a handful of people compared to how many people in the world love and appreciate you and your music so much", Josh said. "Maybe the other people just don't see it yet 'cause I'm- im doing the same to them", Tyler softly said. "No! No that's not- that's not what it's like, Ty!" Josh tried. "I just gotta- gotta try to accept that I don't make anyone's life... better. I... everyone around me, all of my fans... Their lives would be much better without me in it", Tyler said softly.
"My life wouldn't", Josh said softly.
Tyler was quiet, and so did Josh. He was taken aback a little by what Josh said. He looked over at the boy, blinking a few times. "Your life would be better without me in it too", Tyler softly said.
"No, Tyler, it would not", Josh said, and to Tyler it sounded like he was a bit irritated. It made his heart ache as he heard the tone of Josh's voice, which had always been so sweet, so gentle, so soft. He felt like he'd let someone down when Josh spoke the words. Tyler wiped a tear away.
"My life would not be easier or better without you. Neither would Jenna's. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't even be friends! And I'd still be stuck with the assholes that ignored me and laughed at me every fucking day while I was in school, which made me feel miserable. I wouldn't have fallen in love with my boyfriend, who became one of my closest friends because he and I both got away from the awful friends we had at first, which we wouldn't have done if we didn't have Jenna, who we wouldn't have had if it wasn't for your concert! I wouldn't have come out in school, I wouldn't have had an amazing best friend, I wouldn't have met my boyfriend", Josh said.
"And that's not even all, y'know? 'Cause I've felt miserable, and so misunderstood for so long and your music touched me so much that it made me feel so many things and cry so hard not because it made me feel awful but because it made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that someone actually understood what I was feeling and it made me feel like it was okay, for the first time in my life. And it made me talk to Jenna about it, while I'd never told anyone about how I felt. I told Jonathon about it. I even told my momma. I never had the courage to do so because I felt like I could never tell them about it because I wasn't supposed to feel that way but your music made me realize that it was okay, and that I didn't have to be ashamed of it, and that I could talk to people about it! You made me trust my momma and my friends much more than I ever could've done without you", he said.
"And even that is not everything", Josh continued. "'Cause I'd never gone out of California, ever. But now I'm in fucking Ohio on a trip with my best friends! I'd hardly ever left Los Angeles, and never without my parents. And now my parents aren't even in the same time zone! And I'm finally feeling like I'm actually living, and not wasting my high school years. I finally have the feeling that I will have good memories when I look back to high school in ten, twenty years, all because of you. Because you made me meet my best friend, whom my mom trusted so much that she let me go to concerts and different cities and even an entire different state, alone with her. My first trip out of state would've never been to freaking Ohio if it wasn't for you, but now I'm here in this state that I've kind of fallen in love with, that was probably in the bottom ten states I ever wanted to visit if I didn't have you! But because you love this state, you love Columbus, and because you did this amazing tour all inside of Ohio, I'm here, and this trip was probably the best thing I've ever done and my favorite memory forever. My life... it's- you... I know this sounds dumb and dramatic okay? I get it, I get that, but... Tyler, you've- you've changed my life", Josh said as he wiped some tears away. "In so many ways, I lost count. You've truly changed my life so fucking much, for the better, and never the worse. Because of you, everything in my life improved so much and I'm so grateful for that", Josh said.
"And I know I'm just one person, and- and even if you'd be right about your family and your friends and your fans, which I highly doubt but if you'd be right, I know you'd always be wrong when you'd say you made everyone's life worse. Even if that was true, you'd always be wrong because you did not make my life worse. You made it so much better. Even if I'd be the only person in the world whose life you improved. And maybe that's not enough or maybe it's not good enough but you've changed at least one life for the better and I wish you could understand that and realize that you did that, not anyone else. Not me, not the people around me; you did that. So if it's not good enough then so be it but my life is proof that you changed it for the better and I will never see it in any other way", Josh said, wiping his cheeks again.
Tyler was quiet as he stared at Josh, not saying anything. Josh hated it; he just needed Tyler to say something, anything, after everything he said but it was dead quiet. He felt his eyes sting, he felt like crying even more; Tyler must've thought Josh was crazy out of his mind. "I- maybe I should go", Josh muttered as he wiped his cheeks before he got up and turned away from Tyler, but suddenly he felt a hand grab his wrist tightly. Josh looked over his shoulder, right into Tyler's watery eyes. "Don't leave", Tyler said, voice cracking. Josh nodded softly as he turned back around and he was about to sit down, but Tyler got up and he wrapped his arms around Josh tighter than he ever had before. Josh could feel his body against him; Tyler's tears came back, he cried as he held Josh as tightly as he possibly could, and it made Josh wanna cry even harder.
"T-thank you", Tyler choked out. "Y-you have no idea how- how much that m-means to me", he cried. "You have no idea how much you mean to me", Josh replied softly. Tyler squeezed his eyes closed as he tightened his hug, tears rolling down his cheeks.
~~
Man oh mannnn my eyes were wet writing this 🥺 what did you think? I'd love to hear! I swear the Ohio trip is genuinely almost over but I had to reunite them one more time ok? Ok.
Not sure yet how the future of this story is going to be: I think there's gonna be way less detailed multi-chapters about the same event and much more time skips in the near future at least. There'll be exceptions probably, and at some point when we get to the point we're all waiting for, there'll be more detail again too, but I think in the near future there'll be lots of skips to get through the time we need to get through!
Anyways! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope you'll continue to support me ♥️ it means the world and it makes me so happy. Love you all & I hope you're doing well. Until the next one ♥️