Hey friends! New chapter again, woohoo! I know I keep saying this but thank you so much for all the likes and the comments. They make me so happy! I love seeing you guys love this story & supporting me. So please don't forget to leave that vote! 'Cause it means the world to me!
Just 3,5 more days of holiday left for me, so after that I'll probably be able to write more again once I'm home! For both this story as well as I'll Take Care Of You Too. Excited for the future of both of these stories ♥️♥️
So yeah let's just dive into this chapter! Lots happening in this one. Can't wait to hear what you think of it!
Chapter 15 already. This story is going pretty fast update-wise but it makes me happy! I hope it makes you guys happy too. Can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter so let's get into it! Love you, enjoy!
Word count: 5322
~~
On the last day of November, Tyler got back home. He and Lucas didn't let go of each other for hours, being close to each other, 'cause they'd been apart for a month and had missed each other more than anything.
"We have a whole month together now", Tyler said. "I can't wait to wake up next to you every day for so long", he nuzzled his nose in Lucas's neck. "You make me really happy", he said. "You make me really damn happy too", Lucas smiled. "How was tour? I know we've called a bunch of times, but still, how was it? Anything happened that you forgot to mention?" Lucas asked and Tyler thought about it. "I mean, it was pretty good but I missed you a ton", he said. "Uhm... Some people kind of harassed me at one of the meet and greet things", he said. "Oh really? What happened?" Lucas asked with a frown.
"I was about to take a picture with them and they started bothering me about whether I was in a relationship or not, and if it was with a girl or a guy, and when I said I wouldn't answer those questions, they didn't stop. So Michael kicked them out", Tyler said. "Without a picture I hope", Lucas said. "Yeah absolutely", Tyler chuckled. "They didn't get a picture, or a hug, or anything else. I wasn't okay with how they were acting towards me so I wasn't gonna give them anything", he said. "Glad you didn't give them anything. They would've been the most undeserving people ever", he said and Tyler nodded. "But there were also really nice fans. There's this guy, I've met him a few times together with a girl, but I didn't recognize the girl and I let her leave and then the guy came up to me and when he said his name - in combination with hers, I immediately remembered them", he said with a soft laugh. "So I had one of the guys get her back because they've been to quite a lot of shows so far. I think there were like six or seven, and it has been like a year", he said. "You've been touring that much hm?" Lucas asked and Tyler shrugged. "I guess so", he said.
"Anyways, they were really nice. Got an extra picture with them and talked for a while longer than Jordan and Michael liked", he said, and Lucas let out a soft laugh. "Yeah they don't like it when you're not being fast enough huh", he laughed. "Nope", Tyler grinned. "I kinda like being annoying to them, honestly. I don't know why but it gives me this sense of satisfaction", he chuckled. "Oh I know it does", Lucas laughed. "Good thing you don't do that with me." "Oh I'd never, don't worry", Tyler smiled. "You, I just wanna make happy", he said. Lucas kissed his cheek firmly. "My favorite part of tour were your pictures, though", Tyler shrugged and Lucas let out a laugh. "Your favorite part were my nudes?" He asked and Tyler grinned as he nodded. "Obviously. When you're lonely as hell and your boyfriend surprises you with the most gorgeous body in the world, naked, that just turns me on to no fucking end", he said and Lucas let out a laugh. "Well I gotta say that that's exactly how I felt about your pictures. Just made me wanna touch you all over so bad. And made me wish I would've been the one taking the clothes off your body instead of you yourself", he said and Tyler kissed his lover. "I know it's been, like, an hour and a half since we last had sex", he said with a soft laugh. "But I'm already turned on again when I think of those pictures and that conversation we had over the phone, so tonight you better be up for round two", Tyler said. "Duh, always", Lucas smirked and Tyler smiled as he hugged his lover.
"So now we wait for tomorrow, hm?", Lucas said. "What's tomorrow?" Tyler asked. "Your birthday", Lucas said. "...oh fuck, I forgot", Tyler muttered. "Really?" Lucas asked and Tyler nodded as he sat up. "Uhm, damn, okay, uh- I don't- there's- my family", he said. "...are coming over tomorrow. Can't you remember that either? You planned it with them", Lucas said as he also sat up. "No I don't! Fuck, fuck I really am not looking forward to that. I thought I'd just have a quiet day with you! Fuck, fuck", Tyler sighed. "I can't cancel my own birthday, right?" He asked with a huff. "I wouldn't do that", Lucas said. "You haven't seen your family in a while. Let them come over, we just won't let them stay too long. You can always just say you're exhausted from tour, because you are. Wouldn't even be a lie", he said and Tyler nodded softly.
"If you want to, I can tell my family not to come", Lucas said. "If it's too much. They'll understand", he said. "No, no, no I want them to come too. They've only met my family, like, once. They should come. If mine are coming, yours are coming, alright?" He said and Lucas nodded with a soft smile.
"We'll be seeing our families during Christmas and New Years Eve and Day as well, so it shouldn't be an issue if we ask them to leave earlier because you're tired and need to rest", Lucas said. Tyler hummed. "Alright, we'll do that then", he said. "But I didn't have time to get drinks, cake, I am not prepared for this birthday", Tyler mumbled.
"Good thing you got me, hm?" Lucas said. "Already got all the drinks, snacks, ordered a cake that I'll be picking up before the party tomorrow. And I got you gifts", he said. "You're a lifesaver", Tyler sighed. "And you shouldn't have gotten me any gifts. You really don't need to spend money on that", he said. "I wanted to, Ty. You're my boyfriend and I love you and I want you to have a special birthday", he slightly shrugged.
"I do not deserve you", Tyler said as he kissed Lucas's lips. "Love you more than anything I've ever loved in the entire world. You're my forever, okay?" He said. "Okay", Lucas replied, before they kissed. "Then you are my forever too", he told Tyler.
//
Tyler's birthday went surprisingly well; he was actually really happy to see his family and his friends again. And he loved spending time with Lucas's family as well; it felt good, and he really loved these people as well. Lucas had gotten him the most beautiful birthday cake, and Tyler loved how much effort Lucas put into making his birthday special. He opened a bunch of gifts, loving them all. The day after, in the evening, all of Tyler's friends came over and they celebrated Tyler turning 23 together as well.
The rest of December was pretty quiet, for both Josh and Tyler. Both of them spent the holidays with both families - their own and their boyfriend's - and didn't have much plans of doing other things. Jonathon and Josh went to a Christmas themed market and went ice skating on an ice skating rink in town, while Tyler and Lucas went to a snow-covered Christmas market and ice skated on a lake nearby. They drove out of town several times to go have walks through the snow together without risking bumping into fans, and Lucas loved having Tyler home. He wished it could be like that forever. He wished Tyler would always be by his side, every step of the way in their lives. He knew that wasn't the case, though. Tyler had to leave again soon.
New Years Eve was spent with friends - Josh and Jonathon spent it with Jenna, Hayley and the others, while Tyler and Lucas went over to Jordan's place for a NYE party. The day after, he and Lucas visited both of their families, also saying goodbye at the same time, 'cause on January 3rd, they were leaving for tour.
Lucas had decided to join the first two weeks, because he wasn't ready to say goodbye to his boyfriend yet. He had loved being together with Tyler every day for so long, and he wasn't strong enough to let him go again, so he joined them on tour, which Tyler loved.
Tyler was in their hotel room, on his own, because Lucas was out with Michael to explore the city for a little bit. Tyler hadn't really been feeling like going out that day, so he stayed at the hotel.
When Tyler felt dizzy, he quickly sat down, making fists with his hands. Don't faint, don't faint, don't faint, he thought. He lowered his head between his knees, trying to breathe steadily. Don't faint.
Tyler had been successful in preventing fainting a few times, but he had also failed a few times. He had gotten used to losing consciousness for a few seconds or minutes at a time by now, and Lucas always worried about the bruises but Tyler said they happened on stage.
After a few minutes, Tyler was pretty sure he had prevented it, so he sat upright again and he sighed softly. Thankfully it didn't happen again. He glanced at the clock and figured that he had to get ready to go to the venue. He got up, took a hot shower, and as he got out, he looked at himself in the mirror. He saw his collarbones and ribs prominently under his skin, and he smiled softly, as he ran his fingertips over them. He then grabbed a towel to dry his hair, and when he lowered it, he bit his lip, sighing as he saw how much hair had gotten caught in the towel. He had been losing hair lately, and he hated it. He put on a beanie to cover it up, before he put on a hoodie. He was freezing cold, and his stomach rumbled, but Tyler ignored it. He didn't want to eat.
He thought back to Christmas, and how much he ate during the holidays. He also thought of how he found himself in the bathroom, throwing everything up as soon after the Christmas dinner as possible, because he didn't want his family to ask questions. He didn't like making himself throw up; he much rather just didn't eat, but he didn't want to raise any suspicious questions so he ate, but threw everything up. Desperate times called for desperate measures.
Tyler drank a few glasses of water in a row, trying to still his hunger. He then heard Lucas come back. "Hey baby, I'm back!" he heard Lucas say. "Alright, baby! Just getting ready to go to the venue. Give me a few minutes!" he said. "Sure thing, love", Lucas called back. "Michael and I saw something super cool! We went to-", Lucas started telling him from the other room, and Tyler tried to listen, when he got light headed again. He tried to grab the sink, but he collapsed and blacked out.
//
Tyler opened his eyes difficultly, realizing he had once again fainted. He then heard Lucas still talking to him, telling him about what Michael and he saw when they were outside, so Tyler knew his boyfriend hadn't heard him faint, and he was out for only a few seconds, or a minute at most. He sighed, closing his eyes. His head was pounding.
"Don't you think so?" He heard Lucas asked. Tyler opened his eyes. "Yeah, uh- yeah! Definitely", Tyler replied. "We thought so too!" Lucas said, continuing his story. Tyler closed his eyes again, taking a few moments, before he got up and he brushed his teeth after he drank some water, trying to ignore that he had passed out again.
When he was done, he hugged and kissed his lover, and then they left the hotel to go to the venue for the show.
//
Two days later, they had a show in a different place. It was in Texas somewhere, and it was warmer than it had been where they were a few days ago. Still, nothing changed about Tyler's wardrobe; he still wore hoodies and his warmest winter coat.
Before the show, he was frustrated when there was hair on the floor of the shower again. He fucking hated it, and he rummaged through his suitcase.
"What are you looking for?" Lucas asked, noticing Tyler's irritation. "I'm gonna shave my fucking hair off", Tyler said as he found the electric razor. "What?" Lucas asked confusedly as he got up. "I'm losing hair and I'm sick and tired of it. I'm taking all of it off", he said as he went to the bathroom, plugged it in and turned it on. "Ty- are you sure?" Lucas asked and as he reached the bathroom, he saw that Tyler had already shaved straight through the middle. "No way back now", Tyler muttered.
Lucas bit his lip and he stepped closer to his boyfriend. He gently took the electric razor from him and he turned it off. "Take a deep breath, love", Lucas said softly. "I just need to get it off", Tyler muttered. "I know baby, I know. I'll help you. Just take a deep breath, yeah?" He said and Tyler nodded softly, doing as Lucas had asked him to. They shared a soft kiss and Lucas turned the razor back on, before he helped Tyler shave off the rest of his hair.
//
As he got on stage, he wore his beanie but didn't change to something else; he even wore a shirt underneath his hoodie. Lucas was worried about why Tyler was so damn cold the whole time, but Tyler said he was too busy to go see a doctor. Lucas wanted to try and take him to the doctor after tour, so he could get some answers. Not just about Tyler being cold, but other things, too.
Tyler was singing on stage, and the crowd was loud that night. "Here I come again to you, just to show that blood soaked through, through my bones and all I own. Is there a way for me to grow? I walk to you, rain falls from you. Can you wash me, can you drown me, please?" He sang.
"Every time I feel selfish ambition is taking my vision. My crime is my sentence, repentance is taking commission, it's taking a toll on my soul, I'm screaming submission and I don't know if I am dying or living", he rapped.
"'Cause I will save face for a name's- name's sake", he said, misstepping and he stumbled but he didn't fall. He blinked a few times, trying to continue his rap. "Abuse grace, take a aim up- to", he muttered. "...obtain a- a new n-name", he tried. "...newer place- c-can't walk- and- and I-", he tried to keep up with the music, head spinning, but he collapsed, hitting his head against the piano before he fell to the other side, blacked out.
//
"Josh!" Jenna yelled through the phone. "Did you see the video of Tyler on twitter?!" She asked. "No, I was looking at pictures of owls on my phone", he said. "Did he post something? I didn't get a notification", he added. "No! It's not his video, it's a video from his show! He, like, fell!" She said.
"What?!" Josh said as he got up, quickly getting behind his laptop. "It's all over twitter!" She said. "I'm- I'm on twitter, I'm looking for it", Josh said, when he saw the same video posted tons of time. He pressed the video, seeing Tyler rap Drown. Josh smiled; it was one of his favorite songs. He then frowned as Tyler wasn't keeping up with his own words anymore, and he saw him stumble, he saw Tyler reach out for something that wasn't there, when the microphone fell to the ground, but not only that - so did Tyler. He hit his head on the piano as he fell, before he was collapsed on the ground.
The music didn't stop right away, but Michael was climbing up on stage quickly, Jordan ran out, and so did a friend of Tyler that they had seen in birthday pictures of Tyler's birthday. The music then stopped, and the three of them were crouched around Tyler, blocking Tyler from the audience that was making noise, asking what was wrong and what happened, and Josh's heart had almost stopped as he saw Tyler collapse in the video. He then saw that Tyler was taken off stage, and the lights turned on in the room, and as he heard people ask if the show was cancelled now, the video ended.
"Jenna what the fuck! He didn't fucking fall, he fainted!" Josh said. "That's what I meant! Oh Josh I wonder what's wrong. Why would he just suddenly faint like that? I don't get it", she said. "Gosh my heart is beating a million times per minute. Do you know if there's an update? Has anyone said anything about what happened after? Why he fainted?" He asked. "No nothing yet! Oh- oh wait, I'm sending you a picture through Twitter. There's an ambulance", Jenna said as she sent the tweet to Josh. Josh clicked on it, seeing the ambulance outside of the venue. "Oh the person added to the thread, look, there's more pictures", Josh said, and he opened one, seeing Tyler sitting upright, conscious luckily, on the floor at the back of the ambulance, feet dangling off the side. Jordan, Michael and Tyler's friend were near him, along with one of the people from the ambulance.
"Wait, Jen- did he shave his head?!" Josh asked as he looked closer. "Oh my god he did! Gosh these pictures are hard to look at", she said. "I wanna stay up to date but I wish these people would give Tyler some privacy at the same time", Josh said. He went back to his feed, seeing how everyone was freaking out not only about Tyler fainting, but also about him having shaved his head.
"Oh there's a tweet on Tyler's account!" She said. Josh quickly opened Tyler's profile, and saw the tweet.
"Okay so it's really serious huh, if they're not sure about the rest of the tour", Josh muttered. "He didn't even tweet it himself. His crew did", he sighed. "I'm so fucking worried. I gotta text Jonathon", he mumbled. "Okay, Joshie. Hey, Tyler's gonna be alright, okay? He's gonna be okay. They'll take care of him and help him get back on his feet steadily, without fainting", she said. "I hope so", Josh softly said. "I can't lose Tyler", he mumbled. "You won't, no one will. He's gonna be okay, I'm sure of it", Jenna said. Josh hummed softly. "I'll see you tomorrow at school, yeah?" He said. "Yeah, see you there. Let's keep each other updated if there's any news", Jenna said and Josh agreed, before they ended the call.
Josh stared at the tweet. Every time he went to Tyler's profile, he smiled as he remembered that Tyler was now verified on Twitter, but this time he didn't smile much. He was worried to death. He texted his boyfriend about it, and even if it was a school night, he said that he was gonna come over to be there for Josh. He appreciated that much more than he could speak in words, and he waited for his boyfriend to arrive.
He didn't tell Laura, but he heard Jonathon arrive and Laura react surprisedly as she saw that Jonathon got there at 9:30 on a school day. He heard his lover explain to Laura what happened and that Josh was having a rough time with it, and soon enough, Jonathon was upstairs.
"Can you stay?" He asked. "Yeah, your momma is letting me stay", Jonathon said as he kissed his lover. "He's gonna be alright, yeah? He's the strongest person ever. He's been through so much, and he just turned 23; there's no way he won't be alright. But I know it's really hard for you, baby", he said and Josh nodded. He felt his eyes sting. "I'm just so worried", he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek.
//
Tyler was in the hospital bed, Lucas next to him. They were somewhat arguing; Lucas wanted Tyler to cancel the tour, but Tyler kept insisting that he was fine and he could continue. Lucas wasn't having it, though, and luckily, Tyler's crew backed him up. They weren't gonna let Tyler continue this tour now that they knew what was going on; Tyler had anorexia.
Lucas was crying, blaming himself for not doing anything sooner. He had seen how little Tyler ate, but every time he worried, Tyler ate in front of him, and plenty; after an hour of begging, Tyler finally admitted to Lucas that every time he did so, he made himself throw up as much as he could after eating so much. It broke him, he cried, and Tyler hated it; he made Lucas feel that way and he felt so damn guilty. He didn't want his lover to feel bad and cry, but he was bawling his eyes out.
It explained the fainting, the hair loss, always being cold; all of it. Lucas told Tyler that he had to try to recover. Tyler said he was finally happy with how he looked, after being called fat in the early stages of his career several times because he had pudgy thighs and a slight tummy. He said he wanted to be thinner and stronger, have more muscle mass, but Lucas spent hours trying to explain to Tyler that he was not gonna get that if he didn't eat. His body was too weak to build up any muscles, and Tyler cried, too. They hugged each other, they apologized; Tyler for lying and doing this to Lucas, and Lucas for not taking Tyler to the doctor sooner and believing him when he ate and said he was eating okay. Tyler told him it wasn't Lucas's fault; Tyler had lied to him almost every day, he had gotten extremely upset several times when Lucas got close to finding out the truth, and Tyler tried everything to prevent that from happening. Lucas wasn't at fault here. Tyler didn't understand how or why his lover was apologizing for something he didn't do, but Tyler did himself. Still, Lucas apologized, for not being able to help Tyler, for giving him the feeling that Tyler couldn't trust him to talk to him about his struggles with food, and for not saving him from this downfall sooner.
Tyler felt like he was completely numb after several hours of crying in the hospital. He felt weak, exhausted; Michael told him that the tour was officially cancelled and they would go back to Columbus so that Tyler could recover. Tyler didn't want to, but he had to do it if he wanted to stay alive to live his dream; he thought that dying sounded pretty tempting, but he hadn't showed the whole world his music yet, so he reluctantly agreed. They would postpone the shows, and they would go home, and Tyler would go to a recovery center.
The next day, they were in the tour bus, going home. Lucas hadn't left Tyler's side but he was now sleeping, because he hadn't slept all night. Tyler kissed his face softly, before he grabbed his phone and he made a tweet.
He was going to a recovery center for three damn months. He didn't want to go, but Lucas had talked to him all night about his own body, and his own health, and Tyler had started to realize in a way that he wasn't gonna last long if he kept this going. That didn't mean he was suddenly cured and okay with what was going to happen and he saw that he needed to gain weight again; it just meant that he was a little bit more cooperative when it came to going to the recovery center.
Tyler ran his fingertips through his lover's coils, gently, as Lucas's head was resting on his chest. Tyler hadn't slept much either but he couldn't; insomnia had been hitting him more than before, and the doctor last night said that anorexia can also cause insomnia.
Tyler wondered if these things would really be gone once he'd recovered, or was well on his way to recovery, at least. Would his hair stop falling out, be less dull, be thicker? Would he stop fainting, would he be able to sleep again, would he be able to not freeze every damn minute of the day even if it was hot outside? Would he be able to actually gain muscle mass eventually? Because no matter how hard he tried, he didn't get it. Probably because his body was lacking so many things it apparently needed to be healthy.
After a while, Lucas woke up crying and Tyler held him tightly, voice soft and soothing as he calmed his lover down. "It's gonna be okay, yeah? I'm gonna try", Tyler softly told him and Lucas nodded, holding on to his lover for dear life.
"It's... it's really, really not your fault, Lucas", Tyler said softly. "I... I lied to you, since the beginning. I already had this going on when I hadn't even met you and- and uh, my crew, my guys and I, we've argued before about them thinking I ate too little. I just started hiding it better so they wouldn't- wouldn't bother me so much anymore", he said. "Lying became so damn easy. It doesn't even feel like lying. I.. I don't feel bad when I lie to my friends, or to my family, or to my fans, or... or to you", Tyler softly admitted. "I just... I just don't feel bad about doing it, it just... it feels like I'm just telling the truth. It doesn't feel different, it doesn't make me feel uneasy or guilty or bad or uncomfortable, it just feels fucking normal and I have zero issue lying to everybody in my life when it comes to this... this thing", he said. "This body, the eating... I don't feel guilty lying about it", he said.
Lucas was cuddling Tyler even tighter than before, because it hurt. It hurt to hear that Tyler lied so easily and so effortlessly to him, and everyone else that he loved, because nothing was more important than being thin enough for his fans and the media.
"I'm sorry", Tyler said softly. "For lying to you. I... I don't feel bad when I lie, but- but I do feel bad for lying to you. D'you understand what I mean?" Tyler asked and Lucas nodded. "You- you don't feel bad when you're doing it in the moment, but you do feel bad afterwards when you realize you've lied", Lucas said and Tyler nodded. "Yeah, yeah exactly", he said. "...and uh, I said to the doctor yesterday that I fainted 3 times, right?" He said. "Yeah, when we found you in the hostel, on stage, and one other time when I wasn't on tour with you", Lucas said.
"Yeah well... that's not entirely true", Tyler mumbled. "I... I fainted many more times than just three. Uh... last time, before yesterday, was when you can back from exploring the city with Michael and I was in the bathroom. I passed out when you were telling me about what you'd seen. It was just for a few seconds, a minute max, because you were still telling me about it when I opened my eyes again but... yeah, I uh, I didn't tell you that", he said softly.
"And when we were on tour without you I fainted a few times, but I was always alone. When we were in LA to record the album, before you got there I fainted, but when you were there the first night, after we fought about me not eating enough in your eyes, after we had the three course meal and I uh- I... threw up in the restaurant's bathroom", he muttered.
"When you were already asleep, I passed out too, also in the bathroom. For like, 20-25 minutes. It was one of the worst ones where I was unconscious for one of the longest times. So... yeah... it didn't just happen three times. It happened a lot more", he softly said.
He stopped talking, and let his boyfriend cry as he held him. It was heart breaking, gut-wrenching, hearing and knowing that Tyler fainted many times before but didn't tell Lucas, didn't let him take care of him, didn't allow him to help, and had to drag himself through it every time with no one who was there for him because no one knew.
"I w-wish- I wish you- you trusted me enough t-to talk to m-me about it", Lucas stuttered. It broke Tyler's heart. "Lucas there is no one in the world that I trust more than you", Tyler whispered. "I trust you with everything I have. I trust you with my life. I... it's not that I didn't trust you, not at all. It's that I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't want you to worry, I didn't want to bother you and... I also didn't want you to help me because I didn't want to stop", he softly said. "Didn't want to stop being this... this size. This thin. I don't wanna stop. I... I couldn't let it go, I couldn't tell you no matter how badly I trust you. I couldn't do that to myself", he softly said.
"But.. I am truly sorry for- for lying to you. It's... I'm not proud of it", Tyler said softly. "It was just the only option I had. 'Cause now- now you guys know and now I have to go to that recovery center thing, whatever it is", he muttered.
"It'll be good for you, baby", Lucas said softly. "You'll feel better after. I know it might not feel like that right now, but you will. Your body will feel better, your mind will, too. It's gonna get much better, baby", he said softly. "Trust me, okay? Please trust me", he whispered. Tyler swallowed difficultly. "I'll try", he said softly.
~~
Poooor Tyyyyy :( and poor Lucas too bc Tyler has been lying to him the whole time & that definitely can't be easy! And poor Joshie for being so worried about Ty.
I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter. Lots happened and I can't wait to hear what your thoughts are on it! I hope to hear from you and I hope that you'll leave a vote for this chapter. Until the next one! Love you guys so much. ♥️