3,637 words
tw: sad shit, italics are flashbacks, bold is a letter
i don't have a holland reader banner so i used the olivia banner instead. also, sorry for the delay of posting this lmao
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You were in your room, sitting on your bed as your eyes looked around. Your room was painted your favorite color and it made your brothers jealous because their rooms were painted white, it was boring. Yours had posters, polaroids of you and your siblings, fairy lights, a bean bag chair, and a simple full body mirror. You heard a knock on your door and you looked to see that it was Tom smiling brightly with a plate of your favorite cookies.
"Hey." He said softly as he entered the room and shut the door behind him with his foot while balancing the plate of cookies in his hands.
"Hi." You smiled.
"Sam kicked me out of the kitchen, but I was there first and fortunately, I finished the cookies on time. I hope they taste alright." Tom said as he sat beside you, the plate of cookies in between you.
"They smell good, so you did a good job." You chuckled. Tom took one cookie and looked at you, "Taste test."
He took a bite and chewed it a few times before saying, "It tastes alright. It's not like how Sam makes it, but I'm not Sam. I'm Tom."
Both of you erupted into a fit of giggles as you talked about random things. The plate of cookies were now on your bedside table and only half of the cookies were eaten.
"Hey, how's your friend?" Tom asked casually. Both of you were laying on your bed, facing the ceiling.
"Which friend?"
"The blond one who had one hell of a musical talent." Tom said. "He used to come here and play on Sam's piano."
"Oh, James! I don't really know what happened to him. We, uh, fell out of touch."
"I see." Tom said. "I hope he's okay."
"Same here." You told him. "My friend, Madeline, got a scholarship last time I checked. She got accelerated in school and she got to attend uni ahead of us. I'm really proud of her, y'know?"
"Where is she now?" Tom asked.
You looked at Tom with sorrow in your eyes. He glanced at you and he could see how hurt you were. "We don't talk...anymore. We used to. She's basically like a sister to me, but we don't talk anymore. Regardless, I'm really happy for her and I miss her. Wherever she is, I hope she's alright."
Suddenly, there was a knock on your door and Tom sat up quickly. The door opened and revealed Sam. "Hey, it's time to eat dinner. You're washing the dishes tonight, Tom!" Sam said before leaving.
"That little shit." Tom laughed. "C'mon, Y/N. Let's eat!" He got up from your bed and you followed suit with worry and concern in your eyes. You shook your head and shrugged it off. What you'll say can wait.
Both of you went down to join everyone on the dining table. You sat in your usual seat, but didn't contribute in the conversation. You were just happy to be there. You looked around and saw how happy your brothers were. You looked at your parents and saw them smiling. It was a beautiful sight to see. After all, all you wanted was for them to be happy. They deserve to be happy.
Harry and Tom cleaned up as you watched them help each other. "Next time, we should cook Y/N's favorite dinner." Tom said. Harry looked at him and shrugged, "Why not? I never liked it, but I'm sure she'd appreciate it very much."
The next few days were spent with Tom. He never left your side and he made sure you were alright. You were the youngest and as the eldest Holland child, he made it his job to look after you. He wasn't close with you before, but somehow as you grew older, it changed. Tom was now excited to spend time with you. He loved talking to you and he loved laughing with you. In his opinion, you make his stress and worries fade away.
Your birthday is coming up and he wanted everything planned out. He already had plans, actually. He knew what cake you wanted, he knew what decorations to put up, he planned the food, and he even had a theme in mind. He was really prepared. Paddy had to go with Tom in town just to buy balloons. Tom was really going all out.
"Are you going to help me set up tonight? Y/N's birthday is tomorrow and I want her to be surprised when she wakes up. I can already imagine her face." Tom smiled excitedly as he parked the car in the driveway.
"I can't help you tonight. I have homework." Paddy said as he looked at Tom who just shrugged. "Alright. No problem. Stay in school, Pads." Tom smiled before exiting his car with Paddy following him.
They walked in and Tom saw you sitting on the arm of the couch with Sam and Harry. Tom smiled at the sight. "Hey, guys!" He greeted, causing the three of you to look at Tom and Paddy.
"Wow, you went shopping for a lot of things." Harry pointed out.
"Yeah, what's up with that?" Sam asked with a grin.
"Nothing." Tom smirked. "I'll put these in my room." Tom left and went upstairs to his room as Paddy walked to the couch and sat next to you. You looked at Paddy and smiled. You weren't close with him, but you loved him dearly. You were only one year younger than him and he was always kind to you and you liked hanging out with him.
You looked at Sam and Harry and you held back a chuckle as you watch them annoy each other. It was a lovely sight to see.
Night time came and dinner was over a few hours ago. You were just standing in your backyard feeling the wind blowing and you knew that something was about to happen. You just didn't know what. The backdoor opened and you turned around to see Tom with a small smile.
"What're you doing out here? It's cold." He said as he tugged his jacket closer. He walked towards you and stood beside you. "What's on your mind?"
You shrugged, "Nothing. I guess I'm just tired. I think I'll rest now."
Tom nodded. He suddenly remembered his plan and said, "Yeah, you can go upstairs now. I, uh, prepared your room."
"Thank you." You smiled at him. You walked towards the back door and stopped to turn around to look at Tom. He was already looking at you and you said, "I- Good night, Tom."
"Good night, Y/N. Sweet dreams." He smiled sweetly. You opened the door and walked in and went straight up the stairs to your room.
Tom stayed outside for a minute before walking in. He locked the back door and went to the living room where his brothers were. "Hey, guys! Ready to decorate?" Tom asked with a huge smile on his face. It was evident that he was excited.
"What're you talking about?" Sam asked, looking at Tom with a confused face.
"Yeah, what's happening?" Paddy questioned.
Tom scoffed and crossed his arms, "How could you guys forget?! It's our sister's birthday tomorrow and you guys aren't preparing at all!"
Tom was yelling as the rest were looking at him sadly. Sam's eyes were clouded with tears as he looked at Tom. Harry and Paddy looked at Sam, not wanting to be the ones to remind Tom. Sam sighed and closed his eyes and his tears fell. He wiped his tears and opened his eyes to face Tom.
"Tom, mate, she's dead." Sam said softly. "She's been dead for two months now."
"W-What are you talking about?" Tom shook his head slowly. He looked away from Sam and he saw you standing behind Sam. "She's right there, Sam! She's literally right behind you! How can you not see it?!"
"Tom, stop! She's gone, okay?!" Harry exclaimed. "Y/N's not here! She won't be here anymore and it'll be that way forever. We just have to accept that."
"It was leukemia, Tom. She didn't make it and we had a funeral and everything." Paddy said softly.
You were confined in the hospital for about a week now and you were getting weaker and weaker as the days went on. Your family was trying to be positive, but all of you knew that it was your time to go. Before you were confined, you had written letters for them to read after you die and it was now hidden in their drawers.
Tom and Harry weren't there when you passed because they were in a different country. They immediately went home when they heard the news. All of you knew that you weren't going to make it, but all of you ignored that fact. Everyone except Tom was grieving. He held his mother as she cried and he stayed strong for his brothers. He couldn't remember the last time he and his brothers slept in one room and he hated that they chose to do it again as soon as you were gone.
It was like a sleepover. They all talked about you and everything you did that the others didn't know about. Turns out, you had secrets you shared with everyone except Tom.
"Wait, she told you guys about her secrets?" Tom asked that night.
"Yeah." Harry nodded, eyes bloodshot from all the crying. "If something happens to her, she tells the first person she sees."
"She never told me anything." Tom stated.
"That's because you're the eldest. No one tells people about themselves to the eldest sibling." Paddy answered.
"That's unfortunate." Tom frowned. "I wish I knew the things you knew." He added.
"It's alright, Tom. She didn't have major secrets, anyway. Besides, she was just scared to tell you. That's why she did that." Sam explained.
Tom couldn't sleep that night as he looked at his brothers. They were cuddled up next to each other and were fast asleep. Tom couldn't help but think of you before finally drifting off. Days later, it was the funeral. The whole house was quiet and while your mum, Nikki, would appreciate it, for once in her life she wanted the noise. She wanted to hear boisterous laughing, heavy footsteps running up and down the stairs, yelling, the sound of Sam cutting vegetables, Dom's loud typing, Paddy talking to his friend on the phone, Harry telling you to wake up and calling you a lazy bum for not being productive, and Tom playing with Tessa outside. Now, there was none of that.
When a husband or wife dies, the one they left behind is called a widow. When a child dies, what do you call their parents? No one's ever come up with a word for that yet because it's too painful to think about. You were young and you deserved all the best life has to offer. Nikki was devastated, but she knew that wherever you were, you aren't in pain anymore and that was enough for her.
Tom wanted to scream, but he didn't. He was numb. After the funeral, he and Harry decided to take a break from traveling to spend time with the rest of the family. He stopped working for a while and everyone understood that.
When they got home, Tom went straight to his room and cried. He cried and cried until no tears came out. His head ached, but he didn't want to get up and get himself a glass of water. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table to ask Harry, but his phone died. Tom scoffed, sat up, and reached the drawer of his bedside table. He leaned over to look for his phone charger, but he saw a letter instead. It had his name on it and he realized that it was your handwriting. Tom quickly grabbed it and put his phone back on the bedside table. He opened the envelope and read what you wrote for him.
Dear Tom,
Hi. When you read this, you know that I'm gone. I'm sorry that we never got to bond a lot. I guess it's my fault because I was so scared of you. Despite that, I want you to know that I'm really happy for you and I'm proud of you.
You're my inspiration and please know that I'm very proud to be your sister.
I don't know where I'll end up when I'm gone, but please don't worry about me. I'll be okay, I can feel it. I'll just go where the wind takes me.
You're a kind person for the whole time I've known you. I'll miss everything and I'll miss your pranks and jokes. Please never stop doing those just because I'm gone. I hope you think of me whenever you tell a joke or pull a prank on Harry again.
I wish we bonded more. I wish we made cookies until Sam kicked us out of the kitchen because he needed to prepare for dinner. I wish we watched movies together and I wish we spoke often.
I'll miss you all the time and I love you. So much. Never forget that.
Your sister,
Y/N/N x
Tom cried again until he slept with the letter resting on his chest. The next morning, he got up to go to your room. He dreamt of you and he wanted to tell you about it. He glanced at the door and noticed that it was unlocked. He slowly opened it and to his surprise, he saw you standing there watching everyone outside from your window.
"Y/N." Tom said.
You turned around and smiled at him, "Hey, Tom."
"I dreamt of you! And in my dream, you were a ballet dancer. We did ballet together. Wouldn't that be something? It could be a bonding thing for us." Tom said with a big smile as he fully entered your room. All of a sudden, he forgot about your sickness, your death, your sickness. From an outsider's point of view, it was a sad sight to see. He was clearly in the denial stage.
Harry was on his way downstairs when he heard a voice coming from your room. He quietly opened the door and saw Tom excitedly talking to thin air.
"You know, I'm not doing anything anytime soon. Why don't we go out? It'll just be you and me, Y/N." Tom smiled. Harry's heart broke upon hearing this. His older brother was imagining their dead sister. Harry kept it to himself because he thought that Tom was coping that way.
It wasn't until Sam witnessed the same thing. Tom was in the kitchen and he was talking to thin air once more. Sam watched as Tom laughed and said a bunch of things. Sam kept it to himself too.
Paddy, however, was different. He went to Harry and Sam's room, unannounced. He closed and locked the door behind him as the twins looked at him in confusion.
"Okay, I can't be the only one to notice it." Paddy said with arms crossed.
"What're you talking about?" Harry asked.
"Tom." Was all Paddy said. The twins looked at each other before looking back at Paddy.
"What about him?" Sam asked, his eyebrows were raised a bit.
"Tom told me that he'll bake Y/N's favorite cookies tomorrow because Y/N said she was craving for it." Paddy explained.
"I saw Tom talking to thin air the day after the funeral. He was in Y/N's room." Harry confessed.
"I saw him doing that too, but he was in the kitchen this time. I'm worried about him." Sam said.
"What should we do?" Harry asked with a frown on his face.
"Let's just let him be for a while. Let's just intervene when it gets out of hand." Sam decided as the other two nodded.
They just let Tom be until they had enough.
Tom couldn't believe what his brothers were telling him. He felt sick to his stomach. His baby sister was gone and the thought of it ate him alive. He shook his head and Sam said, "Tom, everything will be alright. We'll get through this together. We'll be fine."
"That can't be true. I've been speaking to her. Stop fucking lying." Tom cried.
"Tom, wake up! She's not here, alright?! She's not in her room anymore. Her things will forever be untouched and her books will be dusty. Her phone hasn't been charged since she died and it'll stay that way. All we have left are pictures, videos, and memories of her. We should accept that because no matter what happens, we can't bring her back!" Harry said as his voice was raised.
"Just go to bed, mate. You're tired." Paddy said softly. "We'll deal with this in the morning."
Tom wiped his tears and went up to his room, slamming the door. He went to sleep and dreamt of you again. Both of you were on top of a small hill and the wind was blowing softly.
"Why can't they see you?" Tom asked you.
"Because I only showed myself to you. I know that we haven't been really close and I figured you'd want some kind of closure. In truth, I'm only here because of you. The light has been calling me and they want me to leave already, but I can't because I know you'd be sad. I hate seeing you sad." You explained.
"Then stay here." Tom begged, but you shook your head.
"You need to let me go, Tom. It's time. I can't stay here forever." You chuckled lightly.
"I just- I feel like nothing. When you were around, I felt like I had a purpose. Now, I just wish I could be with you." He admitted.
"Don't say that. Imagine how everyone will react if you're gone. They'll be upset. I'm so proud that you're alive and well because you'll get to go on with life and grow old. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for me. Live the life I never got to live. Trust me when I say that you'll be happier when you move on."
"I don't want to forget you and I don't want you to think that we're having fun without you." He said.
"I won't think that way because all I ever wanted for all of you is to be happy and healthy. I love you and I miss you, but I want you to have fun and to keep doing everything you love. Don't stop because I'm gone. Don't let me be a hindrance because that'll make me sad and I'll haunt you forever." You said as Tom chuckled. "Besides, you don't have to forget about me. I'll always be in your heart."
"Alright." Tom said. "I think I'm ready to let you go."
You smiled and nodded as you walked away and stepped into the light. Tom shouted, "Happy birthday, Y/N!"
You looked back and smiled. With that, he knew you were thanking him not just for greeting, but also for everything.
Tom woke up and it was already morning. He decided to get ready and to head to the cemetery. He walked downstairs and saw his brothers eating breakfast.
"Where are you going?" Harry asked before eating his cereal.
"The cemetery. It's Y/N's birthday." Tom said. "I'll go now. I don't know what time I'll be back."
Tom left and the drive to the cemetery was short and quiet. He parked the car and walked to your grave. He smiled when he saw a small, framed picture of you that Harry placed there not too long ago. He sat in front of your grave and smiled, "Hey, Y/N. I know you can hear me."
"I guess I did look crazy for a while and I now understand how everyone felt. I, um, I read your letter. I'm sorry too, y'know? I'm sorry I never made the effort to spend time with you. I guess it's because all my life, I've only known about having brothers and when you came along, I didn't know how to act. But I'm really happy that I got to see you grow up and I'm happy with our few moments together."
"When you were five, I was fourteen. It's a wide gap and I remember being so annoyed because your toys were everywhere." He chuckled at the thought. "Regardless, I loved you and I still do. I'm happy that you grew up to be kind and loving. I'm really fucking happy for that."
"In your letter, you said that I shouldn't worry about you. Y/N, I'm sorry, but I can't promise that. I'm your older brother and that automatically makes me sort of like a second parent especially when mum and dad aren't around. So, I'll always worry about you even though I know you're okay and not in pain."
"I do, however, promise to always dedicate my pranks to you. I know you'd love that. I'd wish that we bonded, but we already did that. You gave me a chance to get to know the sister I never got to know and that, above all, makes me so happy and grateful. That's enough for me."
"I don't want to say cheesy shit and ask for guidance. I don't want to burden you in heaven. Like, it's called a resting place for a reason and I want you to rest easy. I just want to say that I miss you so much and I love you. Happy birthday." He finished.
Just then, he felt the wind blow in his direction and he knew that you were okay.