At His Feet

Speechless

4/30/2020: Speechless

Small Straws in a soft wind – May 1, 2020 by Marsha Burns.
When everything seem to have been upended, you will only find clarity through in My Spirit. Rise above fear and uncertainty to live in faith and the reliability of My presence. I will empower you and strengthen you to be victorious. Quiet your emotions and seek the peace that comes with walking in the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23b But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

It's a time of reflection, for me at least as well as a time of battle.

I find myself in another battle and looking for the good in the storm. I try to remind myself that I will grow out of this – that God will not forsake me or forget about me. Sometimes, though, its hard and I find myself ending my nights in tears.

However, as hard as the weeks have been, God's been here, reminding me each day to take it one step at a time. I saw that in very unusual and unexpected ways. On my way to work, (Which I was dreading) The car in front of me just happened to have a picture of Jesus on his bumper sticker – I picture I have on my phone that says Jesus loves me. Then the day before, when my step mom took me to work, we were listening to music and it was the 'Umbrella' song, which I heard many times, but this time certain lyrics stuck out to me and just began speaking faith into me.

"I said I'll always be your friend, sticking with you until the end, and now that its raining more than ever, you can stand under my umbrella."

God was saying to me "I see what you're going through. I see the battle and you feel alone but don't listen to that feeling. I told you I will be with you until the end and you will be with me in paradise. I'm here. I'll always be here."

And then last night happened.

While washing my dishes, I just put on music and headphones. My sister and her husband was over and when they are over – my dad wants to watch nothing but scare videos on youtube – which I don't like at all. So I drown them all out.

I just put on these two youtubers that I really like their voices and how they sing song covers. What I didn't expect was that God would use even these simple songs to talk to my heart and cheer it. I started listening to stars, by skillet, but sang by this youtuber. I love this song because it reminds me that God's bigger than me and my problems. That since God made the stars and put them in place and named them – I can give Him my heart and my pain. After that song, 'Deliver us,' which is a song from the prince of Egypt – where the people of God was being abused and the song is them crying out to God. Which makes me think of this time, where corona is on the rise and people are terrified and mockery has risen to its top. It's a time where we need to do what our ancestors did back then in their Egypt. It's a reminder of to cry to God, to go to Him and get closer during this time of darkness.

And then the last song was speechless from the movie Aladdin, but covered by this other youtuber, who I think sings it better. What I got from that song is that no matter the attacks the enemy throws at me, or the ridicule I face, or the rising anxiety welling up in my throat, and the heartbreaks, I can't let those thing push me into silence.

I can't back down from my calling that God gave me and I won't be silent in speaking my faith aloud. I need to press on in other words. I need to keep moving closer to God.

This isn't the first time where I felt everything under my feet was being pulled out. I remember when I first came to Christ. All I knew before that was porn and anime, basically. I couldn't see my future or imagine life outside of my two addictions or my depression. However, when I came to Christ and gave my life to Him, everything changed. Those changed felt scary and I lost everything I knew. I lost my friend, tension rose in my family, I felt alone, and then the enemy started those annoying attacks on my mind, which made me think I was crazy.

However, God brought me through it and grew beautiful fruit form it. I learned what it meant to be merciful to others – to forgive as Christ (God) forgave me. Reflecting on those things, life bloomed after the pruning. Flowers spouted and tiny flowers are giving way to blooming into beautiful forests. I learned from those dark times. My tears turned to joy, I never would have pictured I would get back then.

Now I'm not addicted to anime and I said goodbye to porn. I find myself enjoying other things in life – grateful and also finding new hobbies and passions that produces better fruit in me than anime ever did. And now the cycle starts anew. What that tells me is that God will use this season, just like he did last, to continue growing that garden in me. His word does not come back void. It always yields fruit. Which means I need to get into God's truth now more than ever. I need to keep feeding my soul and allow the Holy Spirit to cultivate the fruit in me and also let Him prune out weeds in me.

Thank You, Father, thank You.