At His Feet

Learning to love: The Process.

I use to think it was interesting how sometimes people could psychologically shut themselves down in some ways. They create coping mechanism to help them in their troubles. Depending on the severity of their experience they can create a split/multiply personality or simply turn off their own emotions.

Every time I watch a movie or read a story - I always like to analyze the characters and sort of prob into their minds a bit. I like looking at their lives and their situations to come to conclusions about what made them tick, you know?

However...after today, I'm starting to think that maybe a lot of us tend to shut off our emotions in a way that prevents us from growing. That's my experience anyways. Yeah, I have emotions and I am grateful that God gave me emotions but sometimes I tend to somehow shut off my emotions. I use to do this a lot in my childhood - I learned to not feel when I got overwhelmed. Somehow I learned to be cold and not the 'mean' type of cold. I just couldn't feel sometimes even if I wanted to feel. Somehow, I would trap everything inside some place in my heart that was hidden from everyone and me as well. I used this coping mechanism a lot during my life - when my parents divorced, I didn't cry or beg them to stay together. When I got tired of an emotional situation or certain people, my mechanism would just pop up and I wouldn't feel for some time. I couldn't feel happiness or sadness...it felt empty during those times. It felt like from inside of me, coldness was oozing out and no matter how many layers of clothes or blankets I had on, they couldn't thaw me.

Depression was not my friend...but it was the only companion I had at the time.

However, that all changed when God saved me. God helped me to feel again and He began dealing with my coping ways. He helped me to stop cutting, scratching, beating myself up mentally and physically and I am immensely grateful that my God saved me from that. It's been four years now being saved and He has been doing such a work! Close to the end of the year though and even now in this new year, God's been showing me something =>

How to love above the things that hit me.

God helped me to feel again and to actually care for people as well. My coping mechanism pops up here and there - not often like before. Only this time instead of isolating myself and trying to wrestle with this - God is giving me victory over it. It's not to say that I wake up and sing the 'good morning' song.

Yesterday and today I battled with my feelings, with the annoying enemy's insults, with people and let me tell you - my temper was simmering. Yesterday night though, God convicted me about the grumbling I was doing and it was much needed. He reminded me of the scripture to not grumble but to do my work with a joyous heart. To be cheerful and patient - although I did cry a little before my sleep because I was emotionally stressed.

Today though was the problem because it seemed like the stress piled and with that for a bit - I just didn't feel. I couldn't smile - only fake one for a bit - and I just kept remembering stuff that weren't that bright.

It was a sad thing...but there was a change. I'm so thankful that God saved me and gives me authority over these emotions. His words says I can lead my emotions and not let them lead me. God's showing me how to do that as well as teaching me to love despite the stuff thrown my way. Right now I'm in a battle and it hurts. Emotionally I'm exhausted and the urge to just hide and sleep is real (as well as eat a whole pizza!) but I KNOW this won't be in vein.

There's a purpose in this battle.

God got something good coming my way and even during this battle, I know that my God in Heaven is working on my core. I'm being matured into the person I want to be: loving despite the pain. Loving God with my everything and loving people as I love myself.

The type of Love I read in the bible and see in Jesus Christ, my God.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

When I die, I want to be remembered by the love I showed. I want people around me to know God loves them because how I treated them...the kind of person who God shined through brightly.

A person who loves God and people.

A person who can forgive and not bring up their debtor's wrongs. A person who even though she can take revenge, chooses not to despite her wanting to. A person who handles her temper well so she won't unknowingly hurt others or turn cold again. The type of person who God's love flows through her and never gives up on people or judges them in her heart but wants others to get saved and receive the best in life.

It's a battle and I'm sure this will always be my battle until I get to heaven that is. But I am positive that through these battles, I'm just going to get closer to God and He is going to strengthen me and make me into the person He created me to be. 

Father,
Thank You God for holding me today, especially in those moments God where things were getting dark. My mind drifted a bit - to stories and then to painful things about my dad. Sometimes I just get tired God - emotionally I grow numb and there is a lot of things I don't want to do. However, God, I am super grateful that You held me and didn't let go. I'm grateful God for Your hand carrying through this. You carried me through Church and then back home, and You gave me victory over the depression and worry that was seeping in. God, thank You for Your guidance - for showing me that I can act differently than what the voices say or what my emotions say. I'm not obligated to follow them but I can chose to follow You. God, I want to get closer to You...like David said "my heart has heard You say "come and talk with me." and my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." " God, give me the strength to keep climbing and thank You God for what You are doing in my life. You are maturing me even more and I know I will grow in this. When this is over, I will be in a new glory because Your word tells me God that You take us from glory to glory. Help me to stay focus and on track with You. I pray this for myself and for all my brothers and sisters - no matter if they read this or not. God, please continue to lead us on the path we should go. In Your holy name, Lord Jesus , my God I pray - amen.