At His Feet

Back to basic

Last week was a full blown battle with two ex-friends: depression and anxiety. They're the worst duo to come up again and sadly, all of us have to face them at one time or another. Sometimes it's a daily thing and for others, it could be once in a full moon. Starting Monday, things were chilled to Wednesday; got some disturbing news, went over the disciple book with my mentor, Thursday was chilled until I went to the family dinner at my grandma's house....that's when things kind of started to implode inside of me. I spent the rest of my week, just battling with depression, slipped up into digging my nails in me (that was how I use to cope) and my brain just felt clouded and really not that great. On top of that, I got sick and that didn't help me in the least - it made me even more vulnerable. On Sunday (thank God for Sundays!) I went to church and the pastor was talking about how often we look at things we don't have in life, instead of thanking God for the things we do have; what He's already given to us. At that, God opened my eyes and pinpointed what was the cause of welcoming back depression.

My focus was on the wrong thing. To put this simply; I'm not perfect and there's a lot of things I need to grow in and that I lack. Growing up, I wanted to be enough - to be worth something to my dad, my grandparents, society. I mean, who wants to grow up hearing that they are nobodies and won't ever be if they don't act a certain way or sound like someone else? Who here has honestly had everyone around them love them for them? I grew up in a family that (even though unintentional) they made me feel crazy and unloved. They talked me down when they should have taught me right. They compared me to other children and favored my sister over my brother and I. I didn't grow up feeling safe or protective or worth anything because that's how the people around me made me feel. Given that, a huge part of me struggles with inferiority; I have a short fuse because I had to fight: I want to be enough. I want to be perfect....to mean something. As you can see, my self esteem is not high and sometimes it goes lower - especially when I find myself berating myself for other people's actions or for my slip ups.

My desire to be perfect is toxic to my health, my mind, and my faith in God because the more I want to be perfect - the less I lean on Christ who makes me whole and clean and forgiven. Trying to be perfect leads me to become like the pharisees who relied on following their traditions and yet ignore the whole message of Christ....that is tragic.

It can lead to pride and I tell you, it is not pretty.

Yet....I give God praise because He showed me this. He opened my eyes again to this pattern I have, this toxic desire to be perfect in my own strength and berating myself for what I lack - as if it can compensate. God gives me a new day to start over; to choose to rely on the cross and the sacrifice His blessed Son, Jesus, gave for me and you and everyone. Today means a new opportunity to change my patterns - to go back to the basic of faith: remembering Jesus and that He is the reason why I am saved.

Father God,

Thank You Father for revealing this to my eyes yet again and in more details this time than the last. God, thank You for what You did give me: You're sacrifice that paid all my sins -that made me more than enough. You love that rains on me, giving me more than I ever wanted, especially when I felt abandoned and outcasted the most by those around me. Thank You for the new day to choose You over myself being perfect and God, thank You that I can't be perfect. It hurts my ego saying that but it is a truth I am grateful for because I can't rely on myself. I didn't save myself...because You are the one Jesus who saved me. It is by faith that I am made right with You. It is a free gift that You gave for me, choosing me before I even came into this world. Thank you for the trials - even though they hurt, I can see the ways You grow me in these times. God, thank You for Your protection, which puts me to sleep at night and wakes me up in the morning. Thank You for the growing You are doing in me and especially for the growing You have already done. I may not be where I want to be, but thank You that I am not where I use to be. Lastly, Father; thank You for the people who are reading this. I pray that it will open their eyes as well and bless them. I pray for strength for them to keep walking forward in life and to be ok with being themselves. I pray God, that You will do a magnificent work in their lives God, and remind them of Your sacrifice Jesus that You gave just for them. Root us more in Your love Lord, and please do not let worries of this life or depression or whatever trial we are facing drown out the faith You planted in us. Thank You God that Your word said that those who put their trust in You, will never be disgraced. We don't have to go back to depression or hang our head in sorrow and shame. We can march with confidence and freedom and love, despite what we went through and what we are going through. In Jesus mightiest, blessed name, Amen.