At His Feet

Personal reflections on life and choices

Small Straws in a Soft Wind: Marsha Burns.
November 30, 2018: The enemy is at work to make you feel spiritually dry or impotent. Do not accept his lies. My Spirit is alive within you, but at times is imperceptible because of your uncertainty. Quiet yourself until you know without a doubt that I am in you and with you, says the Lord. Let My life spring up in you and flow like a river out of you. John 7:38 "He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water."

Yesterday I tore up my room (more than usual) to find this folder that my dad had given me and needed back. As I opened boxes and bags, I came across this old letter I received during high school. I had always loved the arts: reading, writing, animation (anime), and film making. Those were my passions and I wanted to be either one or the other, no matter what. 

The letter came from an academy in New York who nominated me to join an event they were hosting. They heard about me from my academics and interests and wanted me to attend. At first, I was puzzled seeing the letter again because I couldn't remember it but as I read and look it over, it all came back to me. I had wanted to go to the event. I wanted to see the school of opportunities and learn all the media my heart desired...but I didn't.

I couldn't.

It wasn't my parents that told me no.
In fact, I never showed the invitation to my dad. 

I was the one who told myself I couldn't go; it would cost too much and my parents don't have the money for it. Also my dad wouldn't have been able to take off work. These were all legitimate reasons but I used them as an excuse to not seek a dream. 

For a while I lamented the letter but it was a blessing to find it and be reminded of my past choices in life. God brought up to me how much I talk myself out of opportunities and how I would think that it was out of my control. Also how much the fear of failure and not being enough had a huge grip on me.

The feeling of inadequacy and never being enough for those around me had caused depression in my life. My depression came from this fear of not meeting the standard that was set for me, ironically by me. Because if I failed to meet the standard then I wasn't going to be loved or cared for. I was worthless and those closet to me would simply throw me away. This followed me into my relationship with God and so whenever I slipped up, I battled with anxiety and wanting to seriously injure myself. I would make myself sick and be unable to sleep because of this anxiety....this fear that God would throw me away because I failed to meet the standard of perfection. 

Yet God said differently. He never asked me to be perfect because He knows I CAN'T be perfect. I will never measure up and can't measure up. That's why He sent His blessed and perfect Son Jesus Christ. That's why I need Jesus...because my God is more than enough and He covers me with His grace and love. His sacrifice paid my price canceling out the law that many tried to follow to reach perfection. 

God spoke to my fears, the underlining fear that chained me. Once God pointed out the core of my fear and depression...it's like He opened my eyes and unlocked the chains. I have this sense of assurance and freedom and this ability to fight now. God also showed me that I do have the ability to change things in my life. He showing me how to stand in grace and how to take steps forward that will have everlasting impact on my future. 

I have the choice of who to listen to when depression and that lie that tells me I'm a failure and I'll never be enough come at me, looking to cut me down. I can ignore those voices and instead listen to my God and Lord Jesus Christ and remember that He says HE IS ENOUGH AND ALREADY PAID MY PRICE!

Can I get an amen!