At His Feet

Nighttime Recollection

Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

Psalm 127:1-2
Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain, you ride early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat - for He grants sleep to those He loves.

God takes care of His people. To try to do anything without God is useless. Having a business without God is useless: having a marriage or dating without God is useless. Working night and day with little breaks without God is useless too. Because what do we get from it if we don't have God?

Money?
Pleasure?

Emptiness.

Psalm 127:1-2 reminds me of Ecclesiastes where Solomon wrote that life was useless: every activity under the sun was like chasing the wind. He tried living like a sinner: useless. He tried living wisely: useless. He even became somewhat of a workaholic: useless. All of this proved what the psalm said: Unless God is in it, life is useless and empty.

I say this from personal experience too. Before I gave my life to Christ; nothing was worth while. If I wasn't busy with pleasure, pain, or fooling around; I was depressed and empty. I remember staying awake through the nights watching anime or shows because I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to face the things that held me in fear. I didn't like silence because I knew I wasn't living right; I knew that I was empty inside and cold.

It's funny because I remember always being cold back then. My iron was fine and the house was warm but I always had this cold feeling inside me. It was a feeling that no matter how many layers I put on, the coldness felt glued to my bones. I didn't even believe I would live past 19. I honestly thought I would be dead at that age.

Now, it's different. The moment I gave my life to Christ was the day I finally felt alive. Literally, before getting baptised, I told God I was scared - I dislike speaking in front of people and having all sorts of eyes on me - its just isn't my thing to be in the spotlight. However, the moment I got baptised and got out of the water - this indescribable and beautiful peace just blanketed it. What more, the bone clinging coldness vanished and I felt toasty...warm.

Another thing that the psalm reminds me of is how God is the one to change us. Unless the Lord builds the house and watches the city - unless God molds our hearts and mind and keeps an eye on it, everything we do is in vain.

I can try to "build" my house on my own but I can't. I can try to be as nice as possible or serve as much as I can or share until my face turns blue but unless God is in it, working on my heart, I work in vain.

Paul writes about this in 1 Corinthians 13. Unless we have love, all our work is wasted. God is love, so we need Him.

Psalm 126 brings back the memories of the past two years prior. I remember the times where I would try to get my dad in church and the times we fought because I didn't want to follow his sins. I remember feeling alone and like a huge failure. I felt like God was going to get rid of me because I wasn't succeeding in bringing people to Him. I felt abandoned by my family and friends because no one liked the changes God was doing on me. I would go to church and see other people my age with their families with them and it took everything inside me to not cry. This one particular day, I remember vividly, was the easter play. I had signed up to help with costume design and it was fun but I wanted my dad to be there to see the play. He promised me he would come but he lied. If I remember correctly, though I'm a little unsure, he ended up drinking the night before. I managed not to cry in front of the actors and volunteers but when my sister called, I cracked. Eventually, I told her what had happened and how much I wanted our dad to come to church - she and her boyfriend (now husband) decided to come instead. Defeated, I sulked for a while, but what I didn't know was that God planned that; He used the stinging pain of rejection from my dad's action, to bring my sister back to Himself and to save my brother-in-law.

I went out to the field, crying and sad, but I came back with a harvest and happy. My sister and her husband both got baptized and it was beautiful how God worked on them. I look at them, now, as examples for me to follow. It was all God.

So what I get from these psalms is that 1) Be faithful to sow those seeds, even if it looks like a bust. 2) What people do to hurt us (whether they realize it or not), God really does use it for His glory and good. 3) Joy comes after the grief.