At His Feet

Untitled Part 67

10/9/2019 Revisiting the pharisee and the Tax collector (Going back to basics)
"But the tax collector stood at a distance and would not even look up to heaven. Instead, he continued to beat his chest and said, 'O God, be merciful to me, the sinner that I am!' I tell you, this man, rather than the other one, went down to his home justified, because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled but the person who humbles himself will be exalted." – Luke 18:13-14

I studied this story before. Jesus told this story to show the difference between those who are proud and those who are humbled. It says it clearly that people who humble themselves will be exalted and those who are like the pharisee – proud and arrogant, they will be humbled (put down) The Tax collector knew himself to be a sinner, so he knew he didn't have the right to stand before God. Yet, God forgave him. He admitted that he needs God.

Lately, I've been struggling with an old friend of mine. I try to tell her not to come into my house or bother me at work. I made some steps to distant myself from her and the toxic traits she brings but she just doesn't budge sometimes. She makes me feel crazy and before the day is done, I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep. She makes me hate myself – always criticizing me and comparing me to others who are better or prettier or looks like they get things right. Every dream I ever had, she likes to crush and she gets negative and judgmental about others – acting out in anger to cover her own pain. It's just been a complete, unpleasant, painful rollercoaster ride for me being around her.

I am talking about depression.

For the past months or so I've been in the rabbit hole of insanity (so it feels like) and I've been struggling with this sense of grief but also sharp bitterness inside me. God's been showing me the root of my issues and where it comes from and thankfully, He's helping me overcome even though I mess up here and there.

I'm on the road of recovery but this week, its been God telling me to get back to the basics. Do the things I use to do when we first came together. It came down to two things: I wrote my God letters (those were my prayers) and I read my bible (some nights I would fall asleep but I made the effort to study it). In the beginning I wasn't eloquent or sophisticated (I couldn't pray out loud or even know how to pray!) if you read "My letters to God" then you clearly see how uneducated I was about how to come to God and pray. I didn't know much then but yet...somehow, I was on the right track. Even though I didn't know how to pray or how to study the bible, I was more open to God. I poured my heart out to my God, not worrying about if I'm doing it right or if I'm taking too long or if I sounded smart enough or genuine enough. When I doubted and feared about the voices attacking me or about if I really love God, I told Him. I cried during those letters, laying myself naked before Him and others!

That was my goal.
I wanted to get closer with God and also, encourage someone else who might be going through depression like me.

My heart was there...until my eyes started watching around me. The more "educated" I became and the more I saw and listened to how other people in the church did things, I started fearing that I was doing something wrong. I started comparing myself to my friends and mentors – beating on myself for not being like them. It sucked my joy...leaving me in tears at night and just wanting to sometimes slit my wrists – especially when I messed up big time in my life. When I would hang out with friends and they were so bright and glowing for Jesus – I got depressed.

My sister and her husband got baptized over the weekend and I couldn't enjoy it like I wanted to because I was depressed. That's painful because its something I would cry out for God to do back then: save my family.

Now I'm sitting here wondering "Why did I let this happen? How did I allow this to happen?" But now, thank God that He is showing me how to get back in alignment with Him. How to stop looking at others and envying them or copy them, but to fix my eyes on Christ. Go back to the basics – read the bible and pray. Allow God to transform me His way and allow Him to flow through me – allow his love to flow through me to others.

Today I was reminded of the story of the tax collector: how he didn't know how to pray either and he didn't feel qualified or good enough to even look towards God. The bible didn't say the tax collector was eloquent or knew much about the scripture like the pharisee did (pharisees were leaders in the church so they knew the bible) yet he's the one God forgave and justified. He's the one that went home forgiven and made right with God.

What that tells me is that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be a replica of another human. I'm a special vessel – a unique jewel that God is carving. The only one I want and will look like is Jesus, my savior.

God,
Thank You for walking with me through that rough battle of depression. Thank You for bringing me back and reminding me of Your truth and giving us great examples like kids – Your parables You told – the earth – and especially the Bible (Your truths). Thank You for saving my sister and her husband and now my dad and his wife are going back to church too! Thank You that depression won't win and doubts can't win and comparison has to die. In my life and the lives of my family. We will be free and Thank You that You will free us and teach us to be more like Your Holy Son – Jesus the Christ. Thank You for encouraging me and loving me through my ups and downs. I'm sorry I grieve You. I'm sorry I get so caught up in selfish ambition and allow my past hurts to cloud my life at times. Thank You that You still have a future for me and my family and that You can redeem the time the locusts have eaten. God, I pray for my family around the world – weather or not they read this. God, bless them and help them to come back to the basics if they find themselves in dark places like I was. Bring the depressed, the broken, the hurting, the angry, the drug addict or sex addict – God bring them to You and allow me to love them...to not judge them. Help them God to overcome their problems and habits and pains with the blood of Your Lamb, Jesus the Christ and thank You for them. Thank You for putting them on this earth and loving them more than we could love ourselves. Help us see our worth, God, and help us to press for a true relationship with You. Grazi God. Grazi. In Your Holy and blessed name, Jesus, I pray – amen.