Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea

Chapter 84

Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of instant coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. Seoul wants Koreans to stop eating canines. There is now an anti-dog meat campaign raging across the city. I've tasted man's-best-friend on three separate occasions. The meat is cooked in a soup, and the taste is enough to gag a maggot. I ate the stuff when I was lit. I could literally eat my own shit when inebriated. I'm a hungry jolly drunkard.

I drove to the villa to pick up Rice-Boy Larry. He's angry because I no longer live with him.

I said, "Don't blame me. Your mother's the one who kicked me out. I had no choice in the matter."

He never responded. We drove to school in silence.

I went to the morning meeting. Mr. Lipps made several announcements. Sadly, I have no idea what the fuck he said. My mind tends to drift these days. I spend all my time thinking about my crazy wife. I should probably divorce her, but the idea of leaving Rice-Boy Larry breaks my heart.

I checked my email. The school in China really wants me—even though it's nearly impossible to get a work visa here in Korea. They told me to come on a tourist visa and work illegally until all the red-tape gets worked out. They're even going to fly me back to America during Christmas to set things straight with the Chinese powers that be. Paperwork is a motherfucker.

I've decided to take them up on their offer. First, I'll be in control of the money. That's a definite plus. I can finally stop the Dragon Lady from squandering our retirement funds. Second, China is a great place to dump my wife. I'll be surrounded by millions of young willing Asian women. Who could ask for more?

I taught my advanced English class. Crazy Bev is giving me problems again. She hates living in Korea and often uses me as her whipping boy.

She said, "I learn nothing in your class, Mr. Buffalo. I already know how to write a five paragraph essay. I learned to write one back when I was in middle school. I bet you can't even write that well."

I said, "This is the most valuable class that you have."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"How do you figure?"

"I'm teaching you how to succeed in freshman English when you get to college."

"All we do is write essays."

"That's all you'll do in freshman English."

And what I told her is true. Physics and calculus don't mean shit unless you're an engineer or a tech guy. Nobody ever uses math or science in the real world. But English is essential for Asians to succeed in America or Canada. Not knowing the lingo tends to hold a person back.

I drove to the teacher's apartment. I made my Ken crispy fried chicken. Poultry is my specialty. My main ingredient is love.

I said, "Did you have a good day?"

He said, "Not really. I just sat here till you got home."

"I'm sorry."

I drank two bottles of soju and prayed to the Lord. After that, I slept like a baby.