Chapter 21

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Yesterday, I woke up at noon and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. The Korean government is thinking about tilting away from the United States and focusing more on its relationship with China. The Korean powers that be despise the newly-elected Donald Trump. They're afraid that he might take American troops off the peninsula. They also fear that he'll demand more money for services rendered.

I'm trying to keep this diary free of politics. My plan is to concentrate on things more universal and esoteric, like bowel movements and fifteen-minute fuck sessions. But there is simply no escaping politics. So let me give my meaningless opinion as a member of the American proletariat.

The United States is currently the global policeman, and I'm sick and tired of it. Our jobs have been shipped overseas, and the middle class is slowly dying off. So the idea of supporting other nations while my fellow citizens struggle to pay the bills is deeply offensive to a moron like me. But what do I know?

I went with my wife to Homeplus. We bought $200 worth of groceries. Like many retail giants, Homeplus makes its own cola. I love the stuff more than Coke or Pepsi. It's quite strong. The liquid feels like tiny shards of glass sliding down the back of my throat. The sensation is quite pleasurable.

The Dragon Lady sniffed the air as we walked through the various isles of the supermarket.

She said, "You da stinky man. You smell rike lotten meat."

I said, "You fucking stink, too."

She said, "I not stink. I crean evely day. I wash my ass. You not was da ass."

I said, "You smell like kimchi and garlic—even in the morning. You need to stop eating that stuff for breakfast. It's enough to gag a maggot."

Which is true. The vast majority of Koreans reek of garlic. But I'm polite. I keep my opinions to myself. Plus a little bit of foul odor never hurt anyone.

She said, "I Kolean. Of course I eat kimchi. It dericious and healthy."

I said, "It's disgusting. I'd rather eat dog soup."

Actually, I've eaten dog soup on three separate occasions. You can buy a bowl of the stuff for about eight dolla. But the way it's prepared is quite barbaric. The dogs are beaten to death to improve the taste of the meat. The cook then uses a blowtorch to remove the hair from the animal. The hound is finally cut into tiny pieces, and mixed with broth and rice.

The soup tastes awful. Plus its smells like wet dog. With that said, it's still more appetizing than kimchi.

Later, we went to the fish market for sashimi. We were given a boatload of uncooked flounder for only forty dolla. Rice-Boy Larry loves raw fish. But I'm not sure if that stuff is healthy for children. Nevertheless, he worked his chopsticks like a true champ, shoveling fish into his greedy little mouth at the speed of light.

I washed the vittles down with two bottles of soju. A good time was had by all.

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