Chapter 49

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Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. My throat throbbed with pain, and I couldn't stop coughing. But I'm a tough old son-of-a-bitch who doesn't take sick days. So I followed the same routine. I read the paper while enjoying a bathroom break.

The Korean powers that be are warning the citizens to avoid eating river rats. River rats are known as nutria. They're often slaughtered for their fur. However, Asians like to eat the rodents' gallbladders and livers. These organs are supposed to hold magical sexual powers. The government now believes that the meat from nutria may cause disease. Having a stiff Woodrow isn't worth coming down with the plague.

I called Ken using Facetime. The boy is living the Life of Reilly. He was lounging in his computer chair playing games.

I said, "Do you ever open a book?"

He said, "It's spring vacation."

"Why don't you read a novel over the vacation?"

"Just chill. I'm on break."

"Maybe you could meet a girl and study together."

"I've got to go."

Being a father isn't for pussies. I'm often confused and frustrated. But I'm far from unique. Many others feel my pain.

I drove to school with Rice-Boy Larry. Larry is taking Singapore math. I tried to help him with his homework in the morning. Sadly, the problems left me feeling like a dull-witted hillbilly. I'm simply not a smart man.

I said, "That math shit is hard."

He said, "I know. I can't figure the stuff out."

"We can try it again tonight."

"Let's wait till next week."

I didn't argue. His math book never fails to humble me. I could use a break to repair my self-esteem.

I met my colleagues for a morning meeting. I mentioned the AP exams to the homeroom teachers. Giving the AP is a giant pain in my ass. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The entire College Board is comprised of fucking morons.

I taught The Old Man and the Sea to my middle school students. I asked them to write a short essay describing their favorite old man. I thought they would write about their dads or granddads. But lots of them chose me. Their affection made me feel pretty damn happy.

Currently, I drive an old car and live in a shack. However, I'm grateful that I never had to work on Wall Street for Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan. I have no idea how those motherfuckers sleep at night.

We had a professional development meeting at the end of the day. Our task was to come up with a uniform Christian worldview based on biblical scripture which the school could then use as an educational and spiritual guidepost.

One of the teachers—a graduate of bible college—claimed that the Old Testament is filled with needless massacres and genocides. I argued that sometimes the innocent have to die to protect the freedom of the majority. I used the Nazis and the Imperial Japanese as examples. The allies bombed many cities in order to terrorize the public. However, it needed to be done.

This idiot retorted by saying that we'd all be better Christians if Germany had won the war. I shook my head in disbelief.

The subject then turned to homosexuality. I said that—as Evangelical Christians—we shouldn't have a pro-gay agenda. According to scripture, homosexuality is sinful.

One female teacher said, "How do you know it's a sin? You're being awfully judgmental."

I said, "The bible is pretty clear on the issue. Have you read the letters of Paul?"

She gave me an attitude. "Paul said a lot of things. Maybe he was gay. Didn't he say that he had a thorn in his side."

Another teacher said, "I heard that Jonathan and King David were homosexual lovers."

My jaw dropped. Paul and King David took it in the ass? That's the kind of shit you might hear at a satanic temple. I decided there and then that it was time to change groups.

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