Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea

Chapter 68

I took a week off from writing, so it's nice to be back. Lots of shit has happened since then. On Tuesday, The Dragon Lady went to Daejeon and had her thyroid removed. They removed the gland with radioactive iodine. She's not allowed to come home till Monday because she's still radioactive. I hope that her behavior will improve. I've read many reports on the internet that a fucked up thyroid causes emotional problems. Maybe this procedure will make life a little more bearable. But I'm not holding my breath.

On Wednesday, I got a job offer from China. The school is located in Beijing. I get thirty-three thousand dollars per year. I also get a free apartment and school tuition for Rice-Boy Larry. I'm going to take the job. Why not? I've never lived in China, and I ain't exactly getting any younger. It's always been something that I wanted to do. I plan to get drunk and piss on the side of The Great Wall.

On Thursday, I prepared midterm exams. It's a real process that takes hours and hours. I make my midterms and finals completely objective. We aren't given much time to grade the papers, and I don't have time to evaluate a hundred essays.

Yesterday, I drove Rice-Boy Larry to school. We had to leave early because he had praise team practice. That boy is a natural singer and dancer.

I went to the morning prayer meeting. The female bible teacher leads the meeting for my group. Lots of people never show up. It always burns my ass.

She said, "Mr. Buffalo, do you have anything to pray about?"

I said, "My wife is still in Daejeon. She can't come home. She's radioactive."

Lots of people laughed.

I said, "I'm not joking. She's literally radioactive. She could possibly make me and Larry sick."

A South African teacher said, "I'd like to pray for some Iranians and Pakistanis that I met at church last Sunday. I assume they aren't Christian. Let's pray for their souls."

I said, "Trust me. They're Christian."

He said, "How do you know?"

I said, "Because no practicing Muslim is going to attend a Christian church service unless he's wearing a suicide bomb."

In other news...

One of the seniors scolded me. He told me that Korean students are ranked, and he wants me to take off attitude points from some of his idiotic peers so that he can have a better ranking.

I said, "Look, there is no law against acting like a fool. Plus they haven't done anything that warrants a deduction in points. They don't disturb the class, and they don't bully anybody. So what do you want me to do?"

"It's not fair. I act nice all the time, and they're going to get the same attitude grade as me."

"I know that being a student in Korea is like swimming in a shark tank. And my heart does go out to you. But I'm not going to screw with a person's grade just so you can attend a SKY university."

He left the classroom without saying good bye.

I hate the concept of attitude points. It's the brainchild of Mr. Lipps. Sometimes, I wish that Mr. Lipps would go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.