On Thursday, I went to a meeting after school. Mr. Lipps pissed me off. We screamed at each other. Well, he screamed and waved his fat finger back and forth at me. My sin? I had the audacity to express my opinion.
Let me give you some background. Every year, Lipps likes to put together a camping trip. Nobody actually camps. The students don't sit around eating roasted marshmallows and telling ghost stories. No. His camping trips involve physical pain. For instance, sometimes the students and staff are forced to hike up dangerous mountains.
Two years ago, Mr. Lipps put me in the hospital. He had this grand idea about a 100 kilometer march. That's sixty fucking miles for all you Americans in the audience. I ended up contracting a severe case of cellulitis. I had tubes connected to my arms, pumping antibiotics into my corpse-like body. I spent six days in a hospital bed, and it took six weeks until I could finally fit into a pair of normal-sized shoes.
I related my sad tale to the newbie teachers.
Mr. Lipps said, "That's not true. Stop spreading lies about the camping trip."
"I'm not lying. I've seen little teenage girls standing by the side of the road crying their eyes out during your trips."
"That's an exaggeration."
"Don't tell me it's an exaggeration. I've been there, done it, and wrote the book. You've been dragging my ass all over Korea for the last seven years on these stupid trips. You're half a sadist. You love to watch people writhe in pain."
And I stick by my claim. Lipps is a sadist. So is my asshole wife. They both love to punish innocent humans.
I tried to restore calm. He is my boss, after all.
"Listen, Mr. Lipps. You've been at this school forever. And you have a wonderful work ethic. If you want to torture the children, then you've certainly earned that right."
"I don't torture the children."
"Well, call it what you want. I shall not stand in your way."
I drove Rice-Boy Larry back to the villa. He said goodbye, and I sped away. I'm still not allowed back into my humble abode. The Dragon Lady has changed the code on the digital lock. She's done this about fourteen times in the last three years. I'm tired of the bitch. I often pray for her to die. No shit.
The next day, I attended the prayer meeting with Female Paul. She asked for prayer requests.
I said, "I've known Mr. Lipps for seven years now. He's a real hard worker. But I find I'm losing my patience with his nonsense. I'm tired of listening to stories about his stupid camping trip. I'm also tired of his theology. What type of Evangelical Christian believes that Paul and King David were a couple of homosexuals?"
Of course, I'm being quite hypocritical. My wife stopped having sex with me, so I watch porno from time to time to get my jollies.
I taught my advanced English course. I threatened to give Crazy Bev a detention for not doing her homework. She responded by using the word fuck on two occasions.
She said, "If you give me a detention, then I'm not fucking going."
I said, "You have to go. The powers that be will come and fetch you."
She said, "You're really fucking pissing me off."
I let her off the hook. I can't be bothered speaking to sadists and psychos these days. They truly aren't worth my breath.
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Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South KoreaHumor
This book is a modern day horror story. A man lives in hell with his crazy Korean wife. They own an apartment in the Republic of Korea located in the city of Busan. He works at a Christian school. This memoir documents the abuse he must endure at th...