Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea

Chapter 8

Yesterday, I woke up at seven a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. Bird flu is sweeping its way across the peninsula. Yippee. Thousands of ducks and chickens have been killed, disinfected, and buried. This epidemic is costing Korea millions and millions of dollars.

I love chicken. I eat it at least five times a week. Plus I consume eggs on a daily basis. But I feel fine. The cost of poultry is predicted to skyrocket. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Beef in Korea is very expensive. You practically have to take out a loan just to eat the stuff. So I see more chicken in my future in spite of the influenza scare.

The Dragon Lady is a hypochondriac. She's absolutely convinced that she's contracted the flu—even though she doesn't have a fever or any of the symptoms. She just lies in bed and moans a lot. Mental illness is a bitch. I hope her phantom illness fucking kills her.

Just kidding. May she have a long and happy life. Seriously.

I called my oldest son Ken using Facetime. I asked about his grades. He's doing great. He has four A's and two B's. Ken's a smart, practical kid. His plan is to become a registered nurse. After that, he's going to take the MCAT and try to get into medical school. If he doesn't make it, he'll still have a well-paying job.

My wife talked to him for the first time in over two months. She's very bitter and thinks that he abandoned her. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Dragon Lady made his life so uncomfortable that he felt compelled to leave. Every word that came out of her mouth was an insult. His grades were trash. He was garbage. He was destined to become a loser. Etc. Real tiger-mom bullshit.

Asian mothers suck giant ass. I shit you not.

Yesterday, however, she was actually nice to the kid.

She said, "Does Glanny give you much food? You rook vely skinny. She not give you da lice?"

Ken said, "I get lots to eat. I feel fine. I've actually been gaining weight."

She said, "What you eat tonight?"

He said, "We're having stew."

She said, "What kind of stew?"

"Beef."

"Make sure she give you enough."

The Dragon Lady hates my mother, so she's always looking for ways to insult the woman. She often insinuates that my mother is starving Ken.

She said, "Do you have da girlfriend?"

He said, "No. I don't want a girlfriend."

She snorted. "Are you da chicken?"

"I'm not a chicken. I just don't want a girlfriend."

But I must be honest. She did compliment him on his grades. For instance, the powers-that-be are putting him into high-level math and science courses. This news made her very happy.

She said, "Prease study vely hard. You are such da smart boy. I want you to be da docta. Not da nurse. Docta."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. She's usually such a negative bitch. Maybe the Dragon Lady's scales are starting to soften. I shouldn't be too surprised. Jesus Christ came back from the dead, so why can't a tiger mom change her stripes?