Chapter 26

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Yesterday, I woke up at 8 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I decided yet again not to take a nasty shit. It's nice to get through the day without the pain and frustration of anal itch. I read the paper while sitting on my sofa. The Korean government requires middle and high school students to take sex education classes. However, the powers that be do not include homosexuality in the curriculum. The denizens of the peninsula frown on all things gay. Same-sex marriage simply doesn't fly in northeast Asia.

I believe that sex education—whether gay or straight—is vastly overrated. The main thing we have to teach young boys is to wrap their Johnsons before taking them out for a swim. Furthermore, if they get their girlfriends pregnant, they should have the decency to marry them. We also have the Christian responsibility to treat others as we wish to be treated. That's why I'm always nice to the fags, the lesbos, and the lady boys. We're all God's children.

I walked to the doctor's office for my crazy pills. It's real easy to get Lexapro in Korea. In fact, I've never had to see an actual psychiatrist. My prescription comes from a local general practitioner. I pay twelve dolla a month for the medication. You can't beat that with a stick.

I'm by no means a healthcare professional. Nevertheless, I believe that I'm afflicted with OCD. My brand of mental illness is called Pure O. I suffer from disturbing intrusive thoughts which I simply can't control. The images produced in my mind are the stuff of nightmares. But the Lexapro certainly takes the edge off. My level of stress has gone way down. And the crazy pills work even better when I mix them with copious amounts of beer. So now I'm as right as rain. Good for me.

I played email tag with the school's new teacher. She's a bit nervous about flying to Asia. This will also be her first year teaching. Therefore, her anxiety is certainly understandable. I helped order the novels for her classes. She chose The Giver for middle school and To Kill a Mockingbird for high school.

Personally, I prefer books which are shorter. The students react to them more positively than tomes that are several hundred pages long. The vast majority of my charges speak Korean as their first language. Their English is great, but their fluency isn't up to the native level.

Last year, I picked Spoon River Anthology for the middle school and Winesburg, Ohio for the high school. Both works were received positively by the students. This year I'm going with Hemingway—The Old Man and the Sea and In Our Time. The kids should get a bang out of them.

Another one of my responsibilities is dealing with the College Board. I'm in charge of the SAT, the PSAT, and the AP Exams. This duty truly sucks ass. I recently got a bill from these morons after sending them my credit card info months ago. So I was forced to call New York at 11 p.m.

A young woman picked up the receiver.

I said, "Can I pay over the phone."

She said, "No, you can't. You must fax us your info."

I said, "I did, but you guys didn't take the money."

She said, "I'm sorry, but I'm just following the rules."

I said, "You don't know what it's like dealing with these assholes. Not that I'm calling you an asshole. I'm just trying to get the company paid."

She put me on hold. Eventually, I got disconnected. I'll deal with it another day.

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