Yesterday, I woke up at 10 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. A famous comedian in Seoul was busted for drunk driving. He blew a 2.0. He claims that he only drank one bottle of soju. The cops are skeptical, but I believe him. Soju is a mystical concoction that will put a knot in your ass. I don't judge the man. Alcohol is a demon that I've been fighting for most of my life.
The Dragon Lady said, "We go Daegu to buy Han-a-lo beef."
Han-a-lo beef is Korean beef that costs a small fortune.
I said, "You're not working anymore. We can't afford to live this way."
But she never listens to a fucking thing I say.
"Me and Larry go to Daegu. You stay home. We not stay home."
So I spent the day watching porno. One of my favorite videos involved several Japanese girls giving a blowjob to a very fortunate young man. He blew his load all over their faces. They laughed and laughed and laughed. I immediately went to the bathroom and jerked off. I had a great time.
I checked my email. Nothing. I keep waiting for the recruiter from the international school to get back to me. I really want to move to China. However, it looks like they decided to go another way. I'm certainly not heartbroken, but rejection always stings a bit.
I watched baseball. The SK Wyverns finally won a fucking game. Their new American manager actually captured the Japanese league championship back in 2007. Perhaps he has another miracle left in him.
The Dragon Lady called later that night. She told me to meet her outside. She was going to drive us to dinner.
I climbed into the Santa Fe.
She said, "We dlive to Ulsan for Han-a-lo beef."
I said, "We're going to drive all the way there just for supper. That's fucking crazy."
She exploded. "You such da cun. You leally are da cun. I sick. I can't eat legular meat. I need da special meat."
My wife loves to call me a cunt. However, she never learned to actually pronounce the word.
"What do poor sick people do? Do they just die? I bring this up because we're now officially poor. You can't work anymore. It's time to start staying home."
Rice-Boy Larry said, "Stop being a jerk, Dad."
"I'm not being a jerk. She can't stop spending money. In the future, it'd be nice not to starve."
"Screw you, dad."
"That's right. Screw me."
We drove for ten minutes and found a Han-a-lo restaurant. The beef was delicious. Korean cows are very tasty. I also drank two bottles of soju. But here's the problem. The meal set us back $200. To me, that's just fucking insane. I simply don't make that type of money.
We walked back to the Santa Fe.
I said, "We can never do that again. So I hope you enjoyed the evening because there will be no repeats."
She looked at me contemptuously. "You da cun."
I wanted to punch her right in the mouth. But I managed to control my temper. I'm a man of peace.
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Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South KoreaHumor
This book is a modern day horror story. A man lives in hell with his crazy Korean wife. They own an apartment in the Republic of Korea located in the city of Busan. He works at a Christian school. This memoir documents the abuse he must endure at th...