Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea

Chapter 2

Yesterday, I woke up at eight a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I took a nasty shit while attempting to scroll through Facebook on my smart phone. Alas, the internet was out. Korea boasts the fastest internet in the world. And, even though I'm an oldster, I can't survive without my social media. I quickly wiped my ass and walked into Rice-Boy Larry's room.

I said, "Larry, I can't get the internet to work."

He said, "I'm so tired. Leave me alone."

So I sat on the sofa and waited for my wife to wake up. That woman can sleep for days on end. She finally crept out of bed at ten.

I said, "You have to call the cable company. The internet is out."

She said, "Why you not call dem? I not your slave."

I said, "I can't speak the language."

She said, "Why you not rearn da ranguagee? You been here more dan eight year."

The Dragon Lady finally called the company. They told her that they would send a man the next day to fix us up. I was disappointed.

I said, "The next day? What the fuck is wrong with them?"

She said, "You shut da fuck up. I tired of your compraining."

So I took her advice and kept my mouth closed. Why poke the bear?

We drove back to my school at two p.m. The principal had a public meeting with the parents. Many of the parents are angry at the leadership. They wish to have a bigger voice in the day to day operations of the institution. I didn't want to go. But the Dragon Lady is friends with the head of the Parents Association. She ordered my wife to attend.

I felt sorry for the principal. He's a tall American from Michigan. He certainly appeared to be out of his depth. Koreans are hard to deal with—especially when it comes to education. They adhere to a false gospel which I call the Study Culture. Many believe that being a bad student is a grave sin. No kidding. So they torture their children by forcing them to study around the clock for years and years. Lots of these kids get less than four hours of sleep a night. Not surprisingly, the leading cause of death for young Koreans is suicide.

The parents think that the school has too much of a cash surplus. They want to spend the money on more learning resources. The principal told them that a surplus is necessary in order to build more facilities in the future. He then explained that the school gets no money from the government in case of emergency.

One angry father said that the leadership should have notified the parents regarding the surplus.

The principal said, "Do you think Samsung tells its customers about the cash it has on hand?"

Needless to say, the audience wasn't very happy with that remark.

We snuck out of the meeting at 4 p.m. My wife and I went to a restaurant named Dang Dang Chicken. We ate fried rice cake smothered in hot sauce. We also drank a pitcher of beer. A good time was had by all.