Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea

Chapter 51

Yesterday, I woke up at eight a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. An American flying from Atlanta to Incheon supposedly harassed one of the Korean stewardesses. He asked her for a massage to help him sleep. When she warned him about his naughty behavior, he threatened to have her fired. This cad was arrested at Incheon Airport by the powers that be. Korean Air plans to sue him civilly and have him blackballed from all future commercial flights. Good for them.

I called the Pastor using Facebook Messenger.

I said, "Did you talk to the Principal?"

He said, "I did." I could hear the disappointment in his voice. "Mr. Lipps is not going anywhere. The Principal says that he wants the opportunity to reeducate him. It seems that Mr. Lipps is very confused because his brother's a fag. That's why he cuts the fudge packers so much slack."

"Sounds like the Principal read him the riot act."

"Maybe. I'm not really sure. I wasn't there for that meeting."

His tone was quite muted. The Pastor has a hard-on for Mr. Lipps. But don't misunderstand him. He has nothing against the homosexual community. It's just that Mr. Lipps slaughters the bible whenever he gives a sermon. Lipps is a former gym teacher who devotes all of his free time to exercise. So he often equates salvation with being in tip-top physical condition. According to him, most fatties are sinners going straight to hell. This type of false doctrine drives the Pastor crazy.

I said, "It's for the best. For all his faults, he's a hard worker. I need to keep my mouth shut."

"You did the right thing."

"I acted like an overheated lunatic. I need to stop that. I'm worse than the prophet who cooked his food using his own shit as fuel. What was that guy's name?"

"Ezekiel."

"Yeah. Ezekiel. I'm crazier than him. I really have to cool it."

The Dragon Lady wanted to go to a restaurant. But Rice-Boy Larry had a bug up his ass. He was busy playing computer games. Korean mothers don't fuck around. She held him against the wall and screamed in his face for ten minutes straight. Her non-stop barking reduced the poor child to tears.

He said, "I'm sorry. I'll go. I don't mind."

She said, "Do you think I care if you mind? You da boss? You not da boss. You must risten to da mommy."

We went for barbeque pork. The meal was good. I ate a ton of meat and drank two bottles of soju.

After that, we walked to a bowling alley. We bowled three frames. I scored over a hundred each time. I'm really beginning to improve.

Then it was time for the cinema. We watched King Kong. This version stars Samuel L. Jackson. It's a pagan tale about how animals are good and people are bad. It was so sacrilegious that it could have been written by Mr. Lipps.

God placed us over the animals. We are stewards of the earth—ordained by the Lord, Himself. Don't let these Hollywood knuckleheads tell you otherwise.

I said the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. I want Jesus to know that I'm on his side. I was fast asleep by eleven p.m.