Chapter 46

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Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. A college student from Seoul was busted by the police for taking up-skirt photos in the subway station. Here's the irony. The young man in question ran a university club promoting women's rights. He's famous on campus for scolding frat brothers who use demeaning language toward the ladies.

Up-skirt photography is somewhat common in Korea. Many females wear short dresses while riding escalators and ascending staircases. The perverts like to capture these moments on camera. The act of invading one's privacy gives them a thrill.

I spoke with Ken on Facebook.

I said, "Your grandmother says that you're not very patriotic."

And this is true. My mom is a flag-waving Texas conservative who originally hales from Glasgow, Scotland. She hates communists and Muslims. She's also not very fond of feminists and liberals. Mom says that Ken's been complaining about internet speed in the good old U.S. of A. She wants him to start counting his blessings.

I said, "You need to stop complaining about America."

He said, "I don't complain."

"What about that internet speed nonsense?"

"It's true. American internet sucks."

"Just don't say that in front of your granny."

"I can say what I want. It's a free country."

I was left speechless. So I said goodbye and told him to have a nice day.

I drove to school with Rice-Boy Larry. The weather was freezing. We were both bundled up in scarves and large overcoats.

He said, "Today I'm going to the mountain to pick beans."

I said, "OK. But be careful. There are poisonous snakes in those hills."

The Korea wilderness is filled to the brim with venomous serpents. But they tend to be small and non-fatal. However, their bites will make you as sick as a dog. I keep away from creepy-crawlies. Nature gives me the willies.

I met with my colleagues at 8:25 a.m. for a staff meeting. I can't remember a damn thing that anybody said. Perhaps I have Alzheimer's. I just smiled and nodded my head. I'm wonderful that way.

One of the classes I have this year is a writer's workshop. I'm not the least bit qualified to teach writing—as you can tell from this sorry diary. I'm just a high school teacher who has never been published. Nevertheless, the class is a ton of fun. The children tear each other to shreds when delivering their critiques.

I said, "Kids, let's tone it down a little bit. Most of you are only sixteen years old. You won't be going to college for a couple of years."

One girl replied, "Mr. Buffalo, I take English very seriously."

I didn't know what to say, so I just pretended that I hadn't heard her.

The vice principal came to see me. Some of my students have been leaving their textbooks on the top of the lockers. He wants me to deliver a stern warning. I like to maintain a good relationship with the powers that be. Therefore, I usually do what I'm told.

I drove Rice-Boy Larry home at 5 p.m. The Dragon Lady took him to his friend's house. I was in the apartment alone, so I watched porno and jerked off. I had a great time.

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