Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South Korea

Chapter 67

Yesterday, Rice-Boy Larry told me that someone had cut the back tire of his bicycle.

I said, "That's bullshit."

He said, "It's true."

"That tire has had an egg for the past three weeks. It broke on its own."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

I drove him back to the villa. The Dragon Lady served chicken soup for dinner. The broth was full of rice and ginseng. I ate every last morsel in my bowl. My wife's a wonderful cook. She's the Asian Martha Stewart.

I checked my email. I keep waiting for the recruiter to write back, giving me details on my new job. But I haven't heard from the son-of-a-bitch in nearly five days. Oh well. I'll leave it in God's hands.

However, Larry's teacher dropped me a line. She apologized profusely for the vandalism against my son's bike. I told her that no vandalism actually took place. The malfunction of the tire was just one of those things.

Larry's teacher is very young. She fears my wife. The Dragon Lady has the reputation of being a loon. But my wife's not alone. Middle aged Korean women have a lot of fucking problems. I could write books on the subject.

I watched baseball while lying in my bed. The SK Wyverns have been winning a lot of games lately. The lineup is full of power hitters. Last night, the team managed eleven runs.

I paid homage to the Christ God. I said the Lord's Prayer on bended knees. No big surprise. I'm not some dirty pagan. I told Jesus that I want to be on his team. I'm even willing to drive the garbage truck in the Kingdom of Heaven.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. I didn't dream. I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. Tomorrow, North Korea might test another nuclear device. I'm a little worried. Donald Trump has little tolerance for nonsense. I wouldn't be surprised if America launched a preemptive strike. I've never seen the peninsula so tense. I'm slowly beginning to understand that war is actually possible in the near future. It's the first time that this notion has crossed my mind.

I ate bacon and eggs for breakfast. The Dragon Lady refused to talk to me. But I didn't mind. The silence was golden.

I took Rice-Boy Larry to school. We arrived at 8:20 a.m. I ran to the Friday prayer meeting. Not many people showed up.

The team leader said, "What should we pray for?"

I said, "Maybe we should pray that we get a better turn out next week."

Everybody laughed. I felt like a champ.

I saw crazy Bev. She was all smiles. I'm now her favorite teacher. Nevertheless, she did yell at me for not having a rubric for my essays.

I said, "This is an elective class. If I grade it too stringently, then no one will sign up for it next year."

She said, "You're too generous in your grading policies."

"I have students who can't speak a word of English. Should I give them all an F?"

"Yes. No mercy."

Bev is all heart.