Chapter 29

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Yesterday, I woke up at 1 p.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. A university in China claims that Asians have much larger brains than white or black people. According to these scientists, Asians developed their advanced intellectual capacity due to evolutionary necessity.

I get all my news about Asia and the peninsula from a paper called The Korea Times. I don't want my readers to think I'm making this crap up. An American news organization wouldn't touch this story with a ten-foot pole. It screams of bigotry and racial superiority. But I'm not in Kansas anymore, and I want to describe my life abroad both accurately and with complete candor. I simply can't control my desire to be honest—which is no big surprise. I am, after all, just a small-brained Caucasian living amongst men and women of genius. So what's a boy to do?

I took my wife's family to a seafood buffet. The restaurant was filled with crab and sashimi. The food wasn't too bad. However, I'm just not a big fan of buffets. They're always crowded, and I often feel claustrophobic.

The Dragon Lady, on the other hand, loves these types of restaurants. She filled her plate several times with hot crab legs and noodles. She also consumed many bowls of fish-broth soup with crawdads. It sounds disgusting, doesn't it? But the soup was actually very tasty. I ate a couple of bowls myself.

The family insulted Donald Trump while they filled their mouths with food. Koreans detest President Trump. They regard him as a dangerous public enemy.

Number One Sister-In-Law said, "He not da good man."

Number Two Sister-In-Law said, "The world in much tlouble."

Number One Brother-In-Law said, "We not rike Tlump."

Number Two Brother-In-Law said, "Amerlican ploducts no good. We not want to buy."

Compared to me, these people are very rich. One drives a Range Rover. One drives a Mercedes. One drives an Equus. And one drives a Jaguar. Each of these automobiles is worth more than my villa. Korea is no longer a poor nation. So why does America have to foot the bill for security on the peninsula? Trust me. Koreans can afford to protect their own shores. They no longer need Uncle Sam's money.

But it's time for Mr. Buffalo to climb down from his soap box. All politics is local, and I would prefer to spend my time talking about bowel movements and sex. That is to say...things which are universal.

The meal cost me three hundred dolla. After that, we all drove back to my brother-in-law's house. I drank many cans of his imported Belgian beer. The stuff is expensive and reeks of oranges. Then I resumed watching OZ while lying in bed. As expected, men were beaten, raped, and murdered. Once again, their agonizing torments made me feel much better about my own shitty life.

As a side note, I'm currently reading Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita. Sadly, evolution has cursed me with a small brain, and I can't fully understand the novel. But it's a naughty little tome, to say the least. I had no idea that it was so dirty. I enjoy reading filth. I was able to go to bed while basking in the moral high ground.

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