Yesterday, I woke up at noon and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. The Korean president is currently in the process of impeachment. One of her crimes is having a friend who is a member of a religious cult. Supposedly, the president used her influence to get her friend's child into a prestigious university. The poor daughter is now being held in a prison in Denmark, awaiting extradition.
The news really isn't that big of a deal. Most Korean politicians are corrupt to the core. Not too long ago, the peninsula was a fascist regime held under the firm grip of the military. In fact, the current president is the daughter of Korea's most famous dictator, Park Chung-hee. Chung-hee used to throw his detractors out of helicopters without a parachute. He was a real swell guy.
The Dragon Lady banged on the door.
She said, "Hully up! We rate."
We live in one of Pusan's many satellite cities. Earlier, we had decided to visit the metropolis to shop and eat. Downtown is about a ninety minute drive from our concrete Soviet-style apartment.
I quickly wiped my ass and helped haul the luggage to our Hyundai Santa Fe. It was no easy feat. Our humble abode doesn't have an elevator, and I live on the fourth floor. I thought I was about to have a heart attack.
Driving in Korea isn't for pussies. These people simply refuse to follow basic traffic laws. In fact, the peninsula has the highest rate of driving-related fatalities amongst the OECD nations. If I were the king of Korea, I would take away all the cars and force the citizens to ride horses to work. It's that bad.
I looked at The Dragon Lady. "Are you driving?"
She said, "Are you da man?"
"It's your choice."
Rice-Boy Larry said, "You drive, Mom. Dad's too afraid. He sucks at driving."
She said, "You fadda da chicken man. He even smell rike da chicken."
They both laughed.
The first place we visited was the Shinsege Mall. It has an ice rink. I ate Kentucky Fried Chicken and watched Rice-Boy Larry skate around in circles. He had a great time. We also bought him a pair of Captain America earphones as a late Christmas present.
Later, we drove to a love motel. Love motels are inns where young Koreans go to fornicate. It sounds pretty fucking creepy, but these places are excellent. The beds are comfortable and firm. Plus the rooms come with a computer and a flat-screen television. Furthermore, the showers are absolutely magnificent. They're spacious with excellent water pressure.
Our motel was located smack dab in the middle of downtown Pusan. We only had to pay sixty dolla a night. You can't beat that with a stick.
We walked to a nearby sushi restaurant. I ate sashimi and drank two bottles of soju.
Rice-Boy Larry said, "Dad, why is that woman staring at you?"
He was correct. A woman at a nearby table was gazing at me hungrily.
I said, "She likes me because I'm the White Buffalo."
He said, "You're a racist."
I said, "I'm not a racist. I'm merely a symbol of good luck and prosperity. Just ask the American Indians."
He said, "Where am I going to find an American Indian in South Korea?"
Rice-Boy Larry often speaks the truth, whereas I am full of shit most of the time.
The meal came to seventy dolla. We walked back to the love motel and went to bed.
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Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South KoreaHumor
This book is a modern day horror story. A man lives in hell with his crazy Korean wife. They own an apartment in the Republic of Korea located in the city of Busan. He works at a Christian school. This memoir documents the abuse he must endure at th...