Chapter 52

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Yesterday, I woke up at 7 a.m. and drank a freshly brewed cup of coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. A high-ranking official from the United States met with the president of China. They talked about North Korea. The American powers that be are getting tired of being held hostage by the North's nuclear weapons program. This official says that a pre-emptive strike is firmly on the table. This certainly isn't glad tidings for me. The last thing I want is for my family to be snuffed out in a foreign war.

I got dressed and woke up The Dragon Lady.

I said, "Are you going to church."

She looked at me crossly. "Yes. I go to churchee. Are you happy?"

Actually, I wasn't happy. I like attending the Church of Tits and Ass by my lonesome for obvious reasons. But I kept my mouth shut. I'm a silent sinner.

We drove there in our Santa Fe and sat in the back row. I always sit near the exit. The Dragon Lady put fifty dolla in the collection plate. I balked. We're far from rich, and fifty dolla is just too much. God understands this. But my wife is a superstitious woman. She believes that the Lord will give us good luck if we show generosity. What a loon.

The sermon focused on how the sorrowful are comforted by God. This is a world filled with sin. And, according to Pastor Jughead, this brokenness should make us all feel sad. I have to be honest. I agree with the guy. This stinking planet reeks with tragedy. It's very upsetting. But what's a boy to do?

Here's the problem with Pastor Jughead—not to be confused with the Pastor who works at my school. Jughead goes much too far. For instance, we're not supposed to read certain books because they're naughty. Certain television shows are off limits too due to raunchy language. Heck, even the Disney Channel is considered sinful and secular. So all we're officially allowed to do is sit around and weep and pray.

After the service, I took my family to an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet. However, I don't consume dairy products, so my wife had to keep asking the workers to make pie without cheese. They were nice about it. Nevertheless, I felt uncomfortable. I was afraid that they might spit in my food for giving them extra work.

The Dragon Lady wanted to shop.

I said, "I can't. I'm just way too tired."

And this was true. I'm tired a lot these days. Plus I still have a cold that doesn't want to go away. I hope I don't have cancer.

She said, "You da selfish asshoe."

"I'm sorry, but I can barely move. You and Rice-Boy Larry enjoy yourselves."

I walked slowly back to my humble abode with the posture of a broken man. That's the nice thing about living in South Korea. You can do lots of things without an automobile.

Later that day, I watched the UFC. The matches were great. Lots and lots of blood. In fact, the mat was stained crimson.

I said the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. I want Jesus to know that I'm on his side. I still dream about becoming the garbage man in the Kingdom of Heaven. That's my main goal in life.

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