Yesterday, I woke up at 2 p.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. Four Koreans died after a fire broke out in a shopping mall. The flames didn't kill them, but they succumbed to the poison gas floating in the air. The peninsula has very little street crime. Nobody gets gunned down in Seoul on a Saturday evening. Plus there are no dangerous neighborhoods that one must avoid.
With that said, accidents kill thousands every year. People die in fires. They get crushed by buses. They're smashed like pancakes when buildings collapse. And they break their necks when their taxis hit a telephone pole. You get the idea.
One of the things that worries me is the children who throw debris out of the apartment windows. Kids will be kids. But a cup of noodles catapulted from the sixteenth floor can turn into a dangerous weapon. I shit you not.
Not too long ago, a crazy Korean cat lady met her maker after being struck by a brick hurled out a window. The killer turned out to be an eight-year-old boy. He didn't mean to hurt the woman. He was just fucking around.
My wife knocked on the bathroom door.
She said, "Hully up. We rate."
I said, "Where are we going?"
"We go Emart."
"Can I stay home?"
"That's OK. I'll be fine."
It was nice to be alone. I took a hot shower and cleaned my sensitive corn-hole with soap and shampoo. Then I drank Number One Brother-In-Law's expensive beer. He buys imported beer in cans—which costs a fortune on the peninsula. Meanwhile, I buy domestic suds in large plastic bottles. It sucks being poor.
I watched porno for a good hour and a half. My favorite clip was a twenty minute film featuring beautiful young women getting their tits sprayed with lots of sperm. Maybe I'm a sick bastard, but I just can't help myself.
I jerked off in Number One Sister-In-Law's spacious bathroom. I had a great time.
The Dragon Lady joined me in bed at 1 a.m. I showed her the porno.
She said, "You da disgusting man."
I said, "You don't like it?"
She said, "Do we pay for dis?"
I said, "No, it's free."
"It not regal in Kolea."
"How are the police going to find out?"
So she watched the filth for an hour with me. Then we had coitus. I lasted for ten minutes. That's the best I can do these days. I'm not some young buck.
I try to fuck my wife three to four times a week to keep her happy. She's quite sexual when she's on her Grave's medicine. But, when she's off her pills, she's as friendly as a sea hag.
The vast majority of the porn sites are blocked by the Korean government. The powers that be on the peninsula link dirty movies to sex crime. It's weird logic because Korea has a whorehouse on every corner.
Anyway, the Dragon Lady now wishes to purchase a VPN so she can bypass the restrictions. She's decided that she loves to watch people fuck. Go figure.
YOU ARE READING
Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South KoreaHumor
This book is a modern day horror story. A man lives in hell with his crazy Korean wife. They own an apartment in the Republic of Korea located in the city of Busan. He works at a Christian school. This memoir documents the abuse he must endure at th...