Yesterday, I woke up at 6 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the paper while taking a nasty shit. The Chinese are up in arms over the THAAD missile system which is currently being installed on the peninsula. This system enables the Korean military to shoot down incoming rockets. China is so upset that its citizens are now boycotting the peninsula. Millions and millions of tourist dollars are evaporating because of the row.
I called Ken using Facetime. He was busy playing Starcraft.
I said, "Could you take a break from your computer for a little while?"
He said, "I can't. This is a multiplayer game."
The Dragon Lady screamed, "Make him stop! You da daddy. You da daddy. All he do is pray da computa."
I said, "You're driving your mom nuts."
He said, "I can't stop right now."
She said, "Does he think he da king? He not da king! Tell him to stop da computa."
I said, "I'll call you tomorrow. Your mom is all pissed off."
I wasn't angry. I talk to my boy every day. Sometimes he's doing shit. I get it. I'm not a hard-ass dad. The kid makes good grades. Plus he's not some drug-using criminal or bully. I couldn't be happier.
But my wife is a loon.
She said, "He not lespect you. He treat you rike asshoe."
I said, "Peace, woman."
"You such da idiot. You a cun."
She meant to say cunt, but she can't pronounce the word.
I don't hold my wife's bad behavior against her. She's always been a little nuts. Most Asian women are complete fuck-tards. Controlling is the best way to describe the lot of them. But her Grave's Disease has exacerbated her Asian-ness. So she's now truly a first-rate bitch, and I can't be bothered arguing with her. I mean, what's the fucking point? It's not like my words will help her mental state. I do my best to keep my emotional distance.
I wore my cat-girl sweatshirt to school. The kids loved it. They laughed and laughed and laughed.
I met Mr. Lipps during lunch.
I said, "The last professional development meeting brought a lot of unwanted attention to us both." And this is true. The whole school keeps talking about it. "We're going to have to agree to disagree. I'm just not into that whole pacifist homosexual transgendered thing. But that's OK. I'm more than willing to keep my mouth shut while you liberals enjoy yourselves."
Usually, I'm a level-headed guy. I have no idea why I lost my shit. Maybe it was the inane argument that surrendering to Nazi oppression would have made us better Christians. Sometimes you have to kill the enemy. There would be no Christians left if we let every asshole in the world roll over us.
I drove Rice-Boy Larry home at five p.m. We watched television together. My wife was disappointed. She lost another one of her students. She doesn't have many left. Sadly, the post-modern bullshit economy doesn't function unless two people work. Soon we'll be as poor as church mice. Oh well. What's a boy to do? There's nothing wrong with tightening the belt from time to time.
I said the Lord's Prayer before going to bed. I want Christ to know that I'm on his side. Then I slept like the dead.
YOU ARE READING
Filthy Beast: The Diary of an English Teacher in South KoreaHumor
This book is a modern day horror story. A man lives in hell with his crazy Korean wife. They own an apartment in the Republic of Korea located in the city of Busan. He works at a Christian school. This memoir documents the abuse he must endure at th...