Lena
Looking out of the window of the classroom, I slowly sighed drifting into my daydreams. My music slowly playing through my headphones only distracted my further from what my English teacher was discussing. I watched as the trees swayed under the dark skies.
As I sat there, I imagined my future and how it would turn out. It was my senior year and I was honestly clueless as to what would come after this year. It was only October, so I had time to decide about college or jobs but the decision stayed in the back of my mind.
The sound of the bell brought me back to reality as I grabbed my back pack and left the class as fast as possible. It was my last class so I stopped at my locker and put away one of my text books before leaving for my car.
I passed by the herd of students and finally made it out of the busy hallway. I had acquaintances at this school, but I was honestly ready to graduate and move away.
I grew up with most of these people, but for some reason I could never connect to any of them. Everyone focused on silly and immature things that couldn't keep my attention any longer.
I felt as if there was a time to grow up and unfortunately for me, I was forced to grow up faster than others. Our energies would just never match, which didn't bother me.
As I drove home I blasted my music by Snoh Aalegra "You Keep Me Waiting". The busy streets made the drive to my house longer than usual.
The cool October wind filled my car as I let the windows down and enjoyed the weather. October has always been my favorite month as my birthday is this month and the weather finally starts to cool down here.
Although I had nothing planned for my 18th birthday other than a simple dinner with my older brother, Jalen, and my father, it was still a night I looked forward to. Spending quality time with them meant everything to me.
My brother and I were very close growing up. He acted like a protector for me but also a mentor. My father tried his best to help me grow into the young woman I'm supposed to be, but with his busy schedule it wasn't always easy to be there for me. My brother stayed by my side always. Although he doesn't live with us anymore, we still talk often.
As I was driving home, a song began to play and it made me reminisce over my life right now. I was a 17, almost 18 year old, who felt so alone while so young. I could never connect with people the way I used to.
No one could understand my mindset which made me more closed off to those I didn't know. It wasn't that I wished to be this way, but based on my past I felt like it was the only way I could be.
I remember the last time I really connected to someone, my best friend Chelsea. She was like my other half, we were best friends growing up and stayed close throughout school. If you ever saw her, I was always there. She was always the outgoing type. She could make anyone laugh but still understood my sensitive side. We were inseparable growing up. It felt as if it was us against the world.
We related in many situations, such as family. Her dad left when she was 5 years old and disappeared, never returning. His reasoning was that he preferred being alone and couldn't handle a child or his wife. So he was gone with the wind and left Chelsea with her mother.
As for me, my mother left after I was born. Let my dad tell it, she was afraid and felt as if she couldn't take care of me. It never made sense to me though, as she was able to take care of Jalen.
It was only when I was born that she decided it was "too much". I know it wasn't my fault that she left, but it didn't take the pain away. I needed her love, I needed her guidance, but she left the responsibility with my father.
I guess I still haven't made peace with her leaving, but I'm blessed with my father who loves me and my older brother more than anything.
Chelsea and I lived in a more dangerous area of Memphis, Tennessee growing up due to our parents raising us alone. There was always something going on in our neighborhood. It was hard for them to earn enough to take care of everything but we respected them. I still remember vividly the day I lost my best friend.
As we were walking home from school in the 7th grade, we were oblivious to our surroundings. It was a Friday afternoon and we were only focused on what we would do this weekend to entertain us.
As we walked on the sidewalk, a black car slowed down next to us. We looked over and in an instant, shots rang from both sides of our heads. I tried to grab her hand and run away from the war going on between the people in the black car and house on the other side of us.
As I was running I realized Chelsea was no longer next to me and the black car had raced away. I turned around and saw her laying there on the concrete. The blood was seeping onto the ground from her side as I sprinted to her side and screamed for help.
In my distress I never realized the paramedics had arrived and were trying to revive her on this street. I sat there helplessly crying realizing that my best friend was losing her life and there was nothing I could do to save her.
They pronounced her dead on April 3rd, 2012.
Since then I've always kind of kept to myself. Not intentionally, but I guess
I still found it hard to accept that my other half was gone and so was my mother.
As I arrived home I unlocked the door and headed straight towards my room. I knew I was home alone because my dad worked until 8 on week days. My dad worked as a fire fighter for the city and over worked himself often.
It did feel pretty empty in this house, but it was a feeling I was used to. I decided not to dwell on that feeling and laid flat on my bed growing restless. I laid in that same position until it was time to go to work.
I was currently working at a library near my house. It was the best because I loved to read and it was a peaceful quiet place where my thoughts could roam free.
As I noticed the time, I left for the library. I clocked in and noticed the small amount of people sitting on the comfortable couches surrounding the bookshelves and greeted my coworker. We didn't talk much, but it was okay because I spent a lot of time catching up on my current book once I finished restocking the shelves. It was usually the same people that would come into the small library so it was a routine night for me.
After my shift was over, I clocked out and headed home. Growing up here in Memphis wasn't always easy, but I was used to the atmosphere. I was ready to leave this city and explore something new though.
I was greeted by my dad once I arrived home.
"How was work sweetie?" He asked.
"The usual. I'm about to go get ready for bed though." I replied
"Okay. Goodnight, I love you" he said as he hugged me.
"I love you too" I responded with a small smile. My dads love meant everything to me. I know he only worked hard so I wouldn't have to worry, but I still missed him at times.
After showering and doing my normal nightly routine I laid down and got comfortable in my large bed. I prepared myself for another day and said my prayers before falling into a deep sleep.
