61.0: a lot to pine about. (tw)

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TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF ABORTION, MISCARRIAGE, AND INFERTILITY 

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"What is your problem?!" He asked, his voice raised. He wasn't typically the type to raise his voice off the field. Even with his voice slightly raised, he still didn't consider himself to be yelling. But Taylor was arguing with him for no reason. He hadn't done anything to deserve this from her. He had been the perfect boyfriend thrust far to her. 

"There it is! There's the temper!" Taylor said, thinking she had finally got him. She had been told what felt like a million times that he would eventually snap. That he would eventually start yelling at her for any little thing. That he would end up abusing her physically. That the CTE would eventually kick in and everything she knew and loved about him would change and she would never get him back. That the niceness would wear off. That the love she knew would be gone. 

"What temper, Taylor? You're yelling at me, I can't get a fucking word in when I'm speaking. That's the first time you've responded to anything I've said all damn day. Do I need to have a temper? Because that's what it feels like." He told her, his voice returning to its regular tone now that she wasn't yelling as loudly as before.

"You're just like the others. You're trying to gaslight me and make me seem crazy." Travis' eyebrow rose in confusion. He was confused by her behavior. Confused by her words. Confused as to why she was suddenly comparing him to her exes when she had said repeatedly that he was nothing like them and treated her differently from the way they did. 

"What?" He asked. "How am I gaslighting you?" She paused for a second, not knowing how to even answer his question completely. That was when he knew something was wrong. She was starting a fight just to start one. She was trying to get under his skin for him to react a certain way. She there was a "gotcha" moment. "What is going on in that brain of yours, Taylor? Talk to me." He told her. He sat down on the couch and pulled her into his lap. Almost instantly, she started crying. Crying an uncontrollable sob that stunned him. He pulled her into him, rocking her, trying to calm her door.

"He made me do it, Trav. He made me." Travis was confused by her words, but it was clear that she was talking about someone in her past. Someone that she most likely dated. 

"What are you talking about, baby?" He asked her, smoothing her hair down as he continued to rock her like a baby. Whatever she was talking about, the feelings were something deep. So deep that she probably hadn't expressed them to him before. So deep that they were causing this violent reaction in her. A reaction that was initially an attempt to push him away from her. "Who is he, Tay?"

"Joe..." Her ex. She was having some type of thoughts about her ex. Something her ex had done that she was now projecting onto Travis. Trying to put Travis in the same box as the man he knew she had dated for almost 7 years.

"What did he make you do?" He asked. Her sobs had slowly started to reduce to sniffles. He still rocked her. Still rubbed her back. Still tried to get her to calm down so she could express her feelings more healthily than she was earlier. 

"At the beginning of our relationship, not even a year in, I got pregnant." This was the first time she was telling him this. They had been together for almost a year now, and she had never told him this part of her relationship with her ex. Part of her didn't want to remember it herself. "Joe wasn't ready to have a kid yet, so he made me get an abortion. About five months later, I got pregnant again, and he made me abort that baby too." Taylor explained. She could see the scene playing out in her head as she spoke the words. She could remember almost every detail. How she woke up feeling nauseous. How her period tracking app said she was late and probably needed to take a pregnancy test. How she went to the drug store and got the pregnancy test and took it in the restroom before she could leave the store. How the test came back positive. How the second time she was pregnant all she could do was cry. How both times she had told her boyfriend she was pregnant how he just kind of laughed and said to get rid of "it." How he wasn't ready for that responsibility yet. How they had only been dating for a year and it was too soon. "Then when he was finally ready for me to be pregnant and have his kids, I kept having miscarriages. Over and over and over." The tears were starting to roll down her cheeks again. "He wanted me to have his kids, but he didn't want to marry me. He wanted the perks of me being his wife, without actually making me his wife." She coughed and sniffled.  "He told me I was worthless if I couldn't have his babies." 

It was all starting to make sense now. Why she was picking a fight with him. Why this whole night had gone the way it did. Travis mentioned them getting married one day and starting a family together. He mentioned wanting daughters, like his brother. Because of Joe, she had convinced herself that she couldn't have children. This man telling her he wanted a future with her was terrifying to her, especially knowing that she probably would never be able to have his kids. "You are not worthless, Tay. You are more than just a baby maker. You're a beautiful, talented, loving woman, who I love. Even when you try to pick fights with me and push me away." The last statement got a little bit of a giggle out of her. 

"But what if I really can't have children, Trav? You want them so badly." Travis kissed her head. 

"There are other ways for us to have kid, baby. We can adopt, we can do the surrogate thing, we can do that IVF thing." He told her, knowing the ways that he knew of. "First, we're going to have to go to the doctor and get checked out, see if you actually can't have kids first." He told her, hoping that his words reassured her that he wasn't going anywhere. That he would do whatever was necessary for them to have the future that they wanted. "We have time baby. Just because I mentioned kids and wanting them doesn't mean you have to be pregnant tomorrow. It was just conversation." She nodded her head, wiping her tears. "I love you, Tay. We'll figure it out when the time is right."

"I love you, too, Trav." She was starting to realize that this man, no matter how much she tried to make him out to be like her exes, was nothing like them. He cared about her feelings, He didn't brush her off. He tried his best to communicate his feelings and get her to communicate hers. This was so different and she was going to have to unlearn so many of her pervious coping mechanisms. This was the person she was going to spend forever with, she just had to not let herself ruin it.

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