New Recruit

Moments Like This (Chapter 85)

*Y/N*

You blew it. You fucking blew it.

How the fuck did I seriously think I could ignore and hide from Wanda for nearly two months and expect everything would just work out? I treated her so fucking poorly. She had to watch me go off with Yelena and give her all of my attention and time, meanwhile I actively ignored her. I ignored the person I was in a full on relationship with for MONTHS.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my time with Yelena or the fact that we have grown so close recently... I really love it honestly, but I should have never had that negatively impact my relationship with Wanda. Neither of them have ever made it known that I need to 'choose' one of them and stop all intimate relationship vibes with the other, so I don't know why I did that to myself. Especially when I have actively been trying to figure out my head.

It's like I actively went out of my way to hurt Wanda. I have no right in being sad or upset that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore or move forward with me in that way. I don't even have the right to be upset that she is spending time with Vision... even though I thoroughly despise that robot.

All of this is my fault and I deserve what's happening. I caused it.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I knew I never deserved her.

You gave up on sleep hours ago, half because you knew it was never going to happen but also because you thought you deserved to sit in this hurt for a while. Vision was right in what he said to you, even though it pains you beyond all belief that you even have to acknowledge that. These last few months you irreversibly hurt Wanda. You disregarded her feelings for your own and for Yelena's, all so you didn't have to deal with it. That's never something you should do to another person. Never should you ignore someone else or a situation simply because you don't want to deal with the potential hurt or outcome that will come from it. Ignoring it will always create more heartbreak than just dealing with it straightaway. Too bad this is a lesson you are learning too late.

The song you were listening to ends and Two Ghosts by Harry Styles plays through your headphones. You figured even though you wanted to torture yourself a bit for the situation you created, there was no way in hell you were doing that without some background music.

The worst part of it all, you hadn't told Wanda yet that Bruce and Gwen's antidote has started to really work. While you were out of the tower you dreamed of her every night, different memories flashed behind your eyelids as you slept... even when you were with Yelena. But to be fair, you were having multiple memory-dream hybrids each night, so even though you did dream about Wanda when you were with Yelena, you also had dreams about Yelena as well. Hell, you even had a small dream-memory of Steve.

The fact that your memories were coming back, also meant all of those feelings inside of you were starting to once again demand to be felt in your mind. This means when Wanda said what she said, it genuinely felt like a breakup. A breakup of someone you love, and know you love. A breakup by someone you thought you were going to be with for the rest of your life.

Pushing yourself up in bed, you pull your headphones off. Your head tilts back and makes contact with the wall, making a small 'thud' noise. Letting out a small sigh you look over at the clock on your bedside table. 2:45AM.

Fuck! What am I supposed to do? This can't really be it for us... can it?

I– I don't want this to be over. I know I loved Wanda, I know that's still in me and it's slowly coming back, it's just not all the way there yet. But, it's not fair for me to tell her that. What if it never fully comes back and I made a lackluster promise to her that I could ever love her the same again but then I can't?