New Recruit

Stop Overthinking (Chapter 56)

*Y/N*

I think I can officially accept the fact that I'm not doing too well in my head recently. I've been trying to get out of my room and remember to do simple things like eat or drink water, but I just find myself on autopilot. I'm doing the bare minimum and hoping nobody questions me too much.

But I'm the idiot who thinks Wanda and Nat are just going to let me move in the shadows when it's obvious I am struggling. I guess I should be thankful that they notice me. I haven't really been noticed like this before by people and I should feel cared about, but it's just making me feel like a burden, like I'm something they feel like they need to take care of or else I'll wither away into nothingness.

Geez, I didn't realize I was this bad. Listen to yourself, y/n. What the fuck was all of that?

Pull yourself together.

Your head is a little fucked, it's sort of always been, but you have people around you who care about you and think highly of you. Why can't you just appreciate that and not feel so sorry for yourself?

Think about Natasha. These last few weeks she has really opened up to you and let you in. She makes you feel comfortable and you always laugh with her. Hell, the most I ever see Natasha smile or laugh is when we are hanging out playing stupid video games, or when we train together. She has taken care of me so much and I seriously need to show her more appreciation. Maybe I can take her to go do something fun. I wonder if she would like laser tag.

Would bringing a trained assassin to laser tag be a dumb idea or a really good idea? Guess we will have to find out.

Ok, moving on.

Then I also have Wanda. My little bub. We seem to be on such a good path right now and have found our groove. She knows when I need a little extra reassurance in how she feels about me or just when I need to hear something nice to pick me up, and she will give it to me without me having to ask. Our personalities and sense of humor really vibe off of each other and I am so thankful to have her around. She makes me feel like I can be more of myself and not have to put on a facade or hide away bits of me. Plus somehow this beautiful person wants to kiss me. How did I get so lucky? I do not deserve it, that's for sure. I mean, come on! Have you seen her?

But in all seriousness, it's a bit hard to put into words how I feel about Wanda because it's just a lot. She fills me up and I just feel calm when I am with her. It feels natural and like we just fit. I know I am falling for her but I don't know if that's something she wants from me, which is scary.

I don't know if I am someone that Wanda could be in love with. Maybe I am just her comfort for right now, like Nat has been to her in the past. Maybe I'm an idiot for thinking Wanda Maximoff could ever love me. Maybe I should just be grateful for the bits of her I get, the moments we share.

This is when being a hopeless romantic really fucking sucks.

But I have other things to overthink right now... and that is the fact that in 2 hours I am supposed to be going to the movies with my little wid– with Yelena. I'm supposed to be going to the movies alone with Yelena who told me she needs space and to take some steps back from me, from us, but yesterday initiated the most physical affection I have ever received from her. We haven't even sat next to one another in over a month and out of nowhere we were wrapped up with each other, her legs holding me securely into her body.

Like, what the actual fuck was that?

I'm out here trying not to fall in love with Wanda, since that kind of relationship will never happen with her, but I also need to not fall in love with Yelena? Is that even a thing? She can't even like me for more than a day, so I probably never need to worry about her loving me... but maybe I need to worry about me loving her?