New Recruit

I Would 100% Do It Again (Chapter 52)

*Y/N*

I wonder what it's like to be able to simply fall asleep? I was tired when I came back here, yet now that I am laying in bed, my mind is racing and my heart feels like it's speeding up with all my thoughts.

I just want to sleep. Everyone needs to sleep, so why is it so hard for me to do that?

I wonder what time it even is?

The light from your phone shines brightly in your pitch black room, causing you to squint as you look at the time.

1:45am... great. I tried falling asleep at 11pm. This is ass.

I just want to sleep. I don't want to think about Yelena anymore tonight. I just want her to not avoid me. Why is she even ignoring me? I didn't even do anything.

At Kate's party she pulled me aside after ignoring me all night and called me a problem, a burden she feels like she has to deal with. She got mad at ME for what? Talking to Natasha..

Seriously??

She is the one that told me to bring her along so I would have someone with me the whole time. I didn't know it would be such a big deal and make her literally avoid me like the plague all night. Nat and I literally did nothing during the party that would warrant that reaction out of Yelena. We what, sat too close to each other? Smiled too much maybe? Whatever I was doing with Nat all night really pales in comparison to what Yelena was doing with Kate.

All night my little assassin was making out with her archer girlfriend right in front of me as if I wasn't even there. I know we aren't anything official but come on... that shit was uncalled for.

I just had these conversations about PDA and affection with Yelena, so to watch her eat her own words and do these things with Kate... that sucked. It was a bit of a slap to the face if I'm honest.

I understand she doesn't owe me affection or to do anything with me she isn't comfortable with, and that she could very well be comfortable with Kate to do those things, but still. It doesn't mean that it didn't hurt to see you know?

So shouldn't I be the one upset at her?

I guess maybe I am upset with her? It felt like she was putting on a show just for me. Not really a show I wanted to attend if I am being honest... maybe in a different situation I would be interested but that's not the point right now!

Why was she doing that? Did she want to make me upset? Jealous? Why, though? I am not even fully convinced Yelena likes me like that, so why did she seemingly go out of her way to make sure I kept seeing her with Kate? I thought we were making some progress and getting on the same page but I think I'm on a whole different chapter than she is.. Maybe a whole different book.

Whatever book she is reading seems to include Kate though. That's for damn sure.

... yet here I am up at almost 2am hoping to hear a bloody knock against my wall from the girl. I've missed her these last 2 weeks. More than I probably should and more than I will ever admit to anyone.

I'm more than a little nervous that she doesn't feel the same way about me though. I don't really know what I would do if she completely pulls away from me.

Fuck. I need this to be sorted like yesterday.

Maybe I can softly knock right now. Sometimes she doesn't sleep until super late so she could be awake... wishful thinking but I could try?